It was 9 in the morning. I had just received a break up text from her. Couldn't quite believe she'd just leave me like that. With no idea where to go, I let my numbness lead my way. And I finally stopped at a cafe. It was a small, dingy cafe. But it had an amazing aroma of coffee. Seemed like a spot for depressed souls. Perfect for me, it seemed. Just then, a girl walked in. A pale, bony girl with blonde hair. She had deep set sea- blue eyes. She was pretty in a different way. She saw me sitting in a corner.
'Hey', she said, 'you seem pretty sad. I won't ask you the reason. I'll simply sit and wait for you to tell me.'
'How can you be so sure I'll tell you?'
She simply shrugged and sat across me. She kept observing me, she seemed nice. I wanted to share my story, I could share it with her. So there, I told her my entire "sad" story. She listened carefully. She laughed.
'What?' I said.
'That's sad. That's sad? Hmm okay I get it, I understand. Let's go for a walk'
We spent the whole day together, I liked her. She seemed like a happy person. A good person with positive vibes.
'You're beautiful.' She smiled at this.
Next morning, I woke up and I thought of her. It was like I was drunk yesterday and the hangover was wearing off. Oh damn, I hadn't taken her number.
News. She came in the news. Suicide. She committed suicide. Her suicide note said this- "I'm sure people hate me everywhere now. For whatever happened. I was misunderstood. I can't take this anymore. Sorry mom and dad. And to that guy I met in the cafe. Thank you for calling me beautiful. It really meant a lot." I cried.
This was sad. My break up wasn't. Sometimes, people who seem to be happy all the time, are the ones who are broken inside. Sometimes, we don't realize who is happy and who is not. Sometimes we pressurize people without realizing it. Can this just stop please? Whatever happened with that girl, it was too bad, she ultimately gave up her life, right?
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
First, PUNCTUATION There are far to many periods, add some commas and merge some sentences. Also, lenghthen this, when he tells the girl the story, tell the reader it too. And when someone is talking, use "these" note 'these'. I understand what happened, but not why. The description of the girl was vague, and why did she come over to the guy? Did he just seem interesting? Was he on the verge of tears? Did he wave her over?
Also, someone planning suicide would usually show some signs if they're that close, show us some times when she frowns for no reason, or laughs a little too hard at one of the guys jokes.
In the end, I just don't care about the girl, I don't care about the guy, and I don't care that he cared about the girl. Give me more, especially in the middle. Show me their day, let me hear their conversation. Also, find a proofreader or beta reader. That could help you a lot.
Great idea, poor execution. I assume this is your first work, so just please, read some other work. Reading makes you write better, I promise. Find some online articles about punctuation, don't summarize, tell the whole story.
I just don't find myself caring or understanding, and I feel like if you learned more and improved your craft, I would care and understand.
Learn more, read, read shorts and novels and poetry. Edit, proofread, ask others to read your work and critique it before you post it here. And tell a story, I'm sure there's more to this in your head, so write it down.
Also be patient, this seems like a hurried first draft that you wanted to be read as soon as possible. Edit edit edit! You're only beginning, so don't give up. You show talent, so learn and grow, and someday you'll not only tell a story, you'll get the reader to care.
Good luck, and sorry for being harsh, I hope you continue to write!!
~Authorian
The main problem here is all the choppy sentences. I'll give a few examples on how to improve on this.
"It was 9 in the morning. I had just received a break up text from her."
These can easily be combined to: It was 9 in the morning when I received a break up text from her.
"Seemed like a spot for depressed souls. Perfect for me, it seemed"
When you use seem twice with these two close together, it just flows poorly. Try something more like: Seemed as if it was the perfect place for depressed souls like me, if you want to use a fragment.
'Hey', she said, 'you seem pretty sad. I won't ask you the reason. I'll simply sit and wait for you to tell me.'
That's a strange way to meet someone. I know the girl isn't supposed to be normal, but maybe you could have her just say that he seems pretty sad. When he asks if she is going to ask why, then have her say that. The idea is good, but the way it is put is poor.
"This was sad. My break up wasn't."
Again, choppy. Try combing them to make it sound better, like this:
I thought my break up was sad, but I was wrong; this was sad. While you're at it, try to come up with a stronger word than "sad". Sad doesn't really convey much emotion to your readers.
You seem kind of rushed while describing their day together. You don't need to go into huge detail, but you should probably just list a few events that they did together.
I must say, I love your ending. It isn't completely unexpected because of her laughing at his sadness, but it is just enough to make me feel upset for your character. This really illustrates how unexpected suicide is until the end, and I like it.Keep writing!
-ClippedWings
Hey, Zee here! First things first welcome to our wonder home
Jk but it kinda is a home for us lonely writers. Well second thing, I loved your description. It caught my attention just as a good description should, but the bad news because there always is some. The description, good but the story was kind of a disappointment. Now don't get me wrong I liked this and I liked the story line but it was to plain.
It felt kind of rushed. I get that it was a short story but it needed more meat. What I mean I s right now you have the skeleton of a great story but it is skinny just like the girl in your story. Put more description and setting in, maybe even what the main character was going through. More background on his "break-up"
Another thing I have to point out is make this flow more. it's very choppy and it skips a lot that could have more character background. Like when he is walking around maybe have him think about what has happened to him. Oh, don't just use the same word to many times in a paragraph. Like she, he, it, the. It's hard to find other words so just fraise it differently
All that I'm saying is more meat less skeleton. I really liked this and I hope you either edit or just do better in your next piece. Good luck and keep writing.
-Zee
Hi Reet! Welcome to YWS and congrats on the first post.
I am unsure of which country you are from, so perhaps my American grammar is incorrect, but I believe the apostrophes in your writing around the sentences should be quotation marks.
In this writing, you use a lot of sentence fragments. When used in moderation, I enjoy things like this, but as you use them so much, it becomes annoying and makes the story difficult to read. I understand that you are trying to do it to show how broken the narrator is, but it does not do much to add to the style.
More coming later, but my phone's going to die now!