I feel empty, like I just woke up but I can't see anything, where am i?. I could hardly breathe, I don't know where I am, my arms I can't move them, or my legs and I felt like I was blind, I feel a rough surface on my arms and it started to burn, that's when I realise my arms were tied behind my back, I was bound and I was helpless, my mouth and throat are too dry I couldn't hardly speak, I started getting frightened, I tried moving but I hit something. I then heard a voice. "Are you alright?" a voice so low I could barely hear it. "y-yeah" I said barely getting a sound out. 'Thank god" the voice said, it sounded like a little boy barely sounded he was over 12. "I-It's alright to be scared, I am too" he said quietly. I then felt the vibration of the wall and realised we were in a vehicle, I didn't know how many people were with me, and I started to shake like crazy, the feeling is overwhelming, I feel like I'm already dead, but worse I have been taken, someone has taken me and I want to go home.
The vehicle stop, and the tears kept going down my face, the mask I was wearing was drenched by now, the door suddenly opened and I felt someone's hands grabbing me I had no choice but to stand and walk where he was going. "P-please let me go" I said stuttering but he went even rougher. "Shut up, you little twat" he said to me and he threw me to the ground, I felt my knees they were in throbbing pain, I can feel my blood falling down them. "So what's your name?" the man said to me and I couldn't answer I was too terrified. "Hey, I'm talking to you" he said kicking me so hard it was even harder to breathe. "M-melody" I said with the amount of breath, I had. "Well, Melody we are gonna have some fun with you" he said putting his hands on me. "A lot of fun" he said as he put his hands on my breasts, then once again throwing me down to the ground. "Go get the rest of them" the man yelled out, I can hear his foot steps coming closer to me, I could feel his presence right in front of me, he took off my mask, but he was wearing one himself. "Oh your very pretty indeed" he said bending down grabbing my chin. 'Don't worry I'll be gentle with you" he said to me but tears keep flowing out. "hey, hey shhhh" he kept saying.
I felt my legs were starting to get free, they were ou of the bound but what was I gonna do run, I can barely move as it is. I saw the rest of the poor defenseless victims like me, and I really wanted to help them but I couldn't, I saw a sharpe object in the corner of the room, I started crawling on my knees to get to it. I started rubbing the rope against I felt it working but not fast enough, I stopped as soon as one of them entered the room, he chucked a small girl onto the ground, by the tell of her body she looked like she was only 7 years old. The man smiled at me and left the room, I then started rubbing again and I was finally free, I grabbed my wrists and started getting circulation back into them, I then went to the small girl, I untied her first and I could hear tears and her voice, she looked at me. "Shhh it's ok, your gonna get out of here ok?" I said to her and she just nodded, I got her free and she hugged me. "I-I so scared" she said to me trembling. "I know, but you have to keep quiet while I free the others can you do that for me?" I said to her and she nodded her little head.
I went around freeing the other's I looked around for an escape and there was a window, I went to it and I opened it, I called everyone over I helped the kids out first, and then the rest, the door suddenly opened, and both the men saw me I tried getting out the window but they both grabbed me. The kids were yelling, and screaming I kept yelling go before it's too late, the men held me down and they were beating me to a pulp, they weren't going to kill me, I saw it by the way they smiled, they were gonna make me wish I was dead, one of them help my arms down tight and the other one on top, he started touching places, I was going to be raped and kept captured by true evil. I never knew what it was until now, suddenly the man collapsed and the other backed away from, the girl I set free before has a gun, she pointed at the man, she helped me up I looked at the man who was on top of me before his head was leaking out blood, the other man pleaded for his life, but we wanted to make him suffer, for making us terrified, scared and wishing we were dead, I grabbed the gun fromt he girl and I pointed it at the man, and he just smiled and laughed. I shot him in both his knee's and he went to the ground weeping in pain. "We want you to suffer, like we did" we said to the man but he kept laughing. "It was fun, seeing you scream, your tears brought me great joy and the rape was just for fun to us, and having your life in our hands was remarkable" he said with the biggest grin. "You don't deserve your life" we both said to him, and I pulled the trigger, the man fell with blood just flowing out of him everywhere, I dropped the gun and went outside, knowing I'm going to be with my family once again was a special feeling, the girl called the police, and our parents arrived hugging and not letting us go, but then suddenly a man with a knife, stabbed me right in the back, the pain was just unbearable, I fell to my knees and then on my stomach, everyone yelled and I heard a gunshot go
off, but I fading and I knew this was the end of me, this is really goodbye.
This was a story of true evil!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there! First let me start by saying welcome to YWS and I hope you're having fun finding your way around the site! So I'm going to tackle a few specific comments as I read through first and then try to give you my overall thoughts at the end.
Specifics
1.
Sentence Length
The first thing about this sentence is that it's too long - try reading it out loud and you'll soon run out of breath. On the one hand it's nice to have the build of tension, but you need to do that within reason so that your reader can still read your story to a group of people. Even reading this in your own head is hard because it's easy to get lost.
Tense
Secondly, your tenses are very out. I think this will probably be true throughout the story so I won't point it out again, but decide on past or present and then go through and make sure you're only using one. You should probably use past as that's the easiest (though present can be amazing for building tension when you get it right). For past tense, your first part would read: 'I could hardly breathe, I didn't know where I was, my arms I couldn't move them, or my legs and I felt like I was blind..'
2. This is very clunky and hard to read at the moment so you need to break it up a bit more. One thing you need to do is to start a new line every time someone new speaks. So when you change between Melody's dialogue and the man's, you have to start a new line for the man's. Here's an example with part of your story:
The vehicle stop, and the tears kept going down my face, the mask I was wearing was drenched by now, the door suddenly opened and I felt someone's hands grabbing me I had no choice but to stand and walk where he was going.
"P-please let me go" I said stuttering but he went even rougher.
"Shut up, you little twat" he said to me and he threw me to the ground, I felt my knees they were in throbbing pain, I can feel my blood falling down them. "So what's your name?" the man said to me and I couldn't answer I was too terrified. "Hey, I'm talking to you" he said kicking me so hard it was even harder to breathe.
"M-melody" I said with the amount of breath, I had.
"Well, Melody we are gonna have some fun with you" he said putting his hands on me. "A lot of fun" he said as he put his hands on my breasts, then once again throwing me down to the ground. "Go get the rest of them" the man yelled out, I can hear his foot steps coming closer to me, I could feel his presence right in front of me, he took off my mask, but he was wearing one himself. "Oh your very pretty indeed" he said bending down grabbing my chin. 'Don't worry I'll be gentle with you" he said to me but tears keep flowing out. "hey, hey shhhh" he kept saying.
You can break it up even further than that, but it's a good place to start and will make your writing much more appealing to a reader.
Overall
There are a lot of little errors in this like typos and run on sentences so you need to work on your grammar a bit. The best way to do that is by reading books and learning from them how sentences are put together and paying attention to how another author uses their commas and full stops.
As for the story itself, there's a nice level of drama but it felt very rushed and you gave your main character too much focus and not enough to the other characters. The boy in the truck wasn't mentioned after that small scene and then after freeing all of them, she had to tell them to gather at the window and start getting out? In reality, one of the other children would have found the escape while she was still setting everyone else free. It feels fun to have your main character save the day, but it's more realistic when it's a combined effort with others. Like the young girl with the gun - that was a good touch.
Good luck with this and I hope my review gave you a few ideas as to what to work on! Keep writing!
Heather xx
Thank you for the ideas, they do help but as you see my very first viewer gave me all my mistakes and they helped a lot but I really appreciate this
Hi! My name is Corralynn! I will be your reviewer today! So how I do this is I will read this as a review it and give you my commentary on what's happening during my first impressions. And Also edit a few grammar and spelling errors! All my edits and commentary will be in brackets (). I hope this helps!
" feel empty(;) like I just woke up(,) but I can't see anything(.) where am (I)?() I could hardly breathe (and) I don't know where I am(.) (I can't move my arms), or my legs and I (feel)(keep everything in the same tense) like I (am) blind(.)"
Okay! I'm going to start here! Your sentences are very run on and you aren't using punctuations properly. I edited this first part like crazy just to show you.
Also make sure you keep everything in the same tense, if you want it to be in present tense (feel, run etc.) or past (felt, ran etc.) You need to be persistent or you will confuse the reader. Is this happening now or in the past?
Ps. I won't do the crazy editing anymore, I'll leave that up to you to fix.
I feel a rough surface on my arms and it started to burn, that's when I realise my arms were tied behind my back, I was bound and I was helpless, my mouth and throat are too dry I couldn't hardly speak, I started getting frightened, I tried moving but I hit something. I then heard a voice.
("Are you alright?" a voice so low I could barely hear it.
"y-yeah" I said barely getting a sound out.) (When there is speaking it has it be on its own line for each speaker)
"Thank god" the voice said, it sounded like a little boy barely sounded he was over 12.
"I-It's alright to be scared, I am too" he said quietly. I then felt the vibration of the wall and realised we were in a vehicle, I didn't know how many people were with me, and I started to shake like crazy, the feeling is overwhelming, I feel like I'm already dead, but worse I have been taken, someone has taken me and I want to go home. (getting good!)
The vehicle stop, and the tears kept (falling) going down my face, the mask I was wearing was drenched by now, the door suddenly opened and I felt someone's hands grabbing me I had no choice but to stand and walk where he was going.
"P-please let me go" I said stuttering but he went even rougher.
"Shut up, you little (shit, bitch etc. use a stronger word, something that will surprise people or something they wouldn't want to hear someone say to them)" he said to me and he threw me to the ground, I felt my knees they were in throbbing pain, I can feel my blood falling down them. (word choice, these sentences could be a lot stronger)
"So what's your name?" the man said to me and I couldn't answer I was too terrified.
"(take out this, its irrelevant)I'm talking to you(!)" he said kicking me so hard it was even harder to breathe.
"M-melody" I said with the amount of breath, I had.
"Well, Melody we are gonna have some fun with you" (oh god... my heart just sank.) he said putting his hands on me. "A lot of fun" he said as he put his hands on my breasts, then once again throwing me down to the ground.
"Go get the rest of them" the man yelled out, I can hear his foot steps coming closer to me, I could feel his presence right in front of me, he took off my mask, but he was wearing one himself. (I'm now very confused. but I think that what you want)
"Oh your very pretty indeed" he said bending down grabbing my chin. 'Don't worry I'll be gentle with you" he said to me but tears keep flowing out. "hey, hey shhhh" he kept saying.
I felt my legs were starting to get free, they were (out) of the bound but what was I gonna do run, I can barely move as it is. I saw the rest of the poor defenseless victims like me, and I really wanted to help them but I couldn't, I saw a sharpe object in the corner of the room (she's in a room? I thought she was outside), I started crawling on my knees to get to it. (why isn't anyone chasing her? how did she get away from the man) I started rubbing the rope against I felt it working but not fast enough, I stopped as soon as one of them entered the room, he chucked a small girl onto the ground, by the (tell) (the tell?) of her body she looked like she was only 7 years old. The man smiled at me and left the room, I then started rubbing again and I was finally free, I grabbed my wrists and started getting circulation back into them, I then went to the small girl, I untied her first and I could hear tears and her voice, she looked at me.
"Shhh it's ok, your gonna get out of here ok?" I said to her and she just nodded, I got her free and she hugged me.
"I-I so scared" she said to me trembling.
"I know, but you have to keep quiet while I free the others can you do that for me?" I said to her and she nodded her little head.
I went around freeing the other's I looked around for an escape and there was a window, I went to it and I opened it, I called everyone over I helped the kids out first, (this happened WAY too fast, give this scene more time to develop and help us understand everything) and then the rest, the door suddenly opened, and both the men saw me (but aren't they blindfolded too?)I tried getting out the window but they both grabbed me. The kids were yelling, and screaming I kept yelling ("go!") before it's too late, the men held me down and they were beating me to a pulp (don't say show, example: their fists fell against my small body, and the bruises grew on my thin flesh), they weren't going to kill me, I saw it by the way they smiled, they were gonna make me (wished) I was dead, one of them (helped) my arms down tight and the other one on top, he started touching places, I was going to be raped and kept captured by true evil (what makes them true evil over anything else). I never knew what it was until now, suddenly the man collapsed and the other backed away from, the girl I set free before has a gun, she pointed at the man (isn't she 7? he would easily be able to take it from her), she helped me up I looked at the man who was on top of me before his head was leaking out blood, the other man pleaded for his life, but we wanted to make him suffer, for making us terrified, scared and wishing we were dead, I grabbed the gun fromt he girl and I pointed it at the man, and he just smiled and laughed. I shot him in both his knee's and he went to the ground weeping in pain.
"We want you to suffer, like we did" we said to the man but he kept laughing.
"It was fun, seeing you scream, your tears brought me great joy and the rape (he did raoe her? when?) was just for fun to us, and having your life in our hands was remarkable" he said with the biggest grin.
"You don't deserve your life" we both said to him(at the same time?), and I pulled the trigger, the man fell with blood just flowing out of him everywhere, I dropped the gun and went outside, knowing I'm going to be with my family once again was a special feeling, the girl called the police, and our parents arrived hugging and not letting us go, but then suddenly a man with a knife, stabbed me right in the back, the pain was just unbearable, I fell to my knees and then on my stomach, everyone yelled and I heard a gunshot go off, but I (was) fading and I knew this was the end of me, this (was) goodbye.
This was a story of true evil!
Alright! I like the idea behind the story, but the writing, and writing style needs a lot of works. Your use of punctuations and run on sentences are excessive. I would really recommend reading your work out loud while you self edit after words.
Your paragraphs are also way to long, break things up. People would rather read short sentences then really long ones.
But I loved the story! I love these stories that really make my stomach turn and get really worried, but we need more description because I felt like scenes were jumping and I would be like "wait what? when did this happen?"
tell us where you are what it looks like. Tell us how it feels, the emotions, the scruff of someone's beard etc. You want to paint an image in people heads.
I can't wait to read more from you and watch you progress!
All my love!
WelcomingException
thanks for the fee back but I don't appreciate all the corrections I meant to write it that way, I feel disrespected so if you please don't do this again when I'm in a really bad mood, don't mean to be rude like you were
all my love
redkitty274!!
I'm sorry your in a bad mood. I didn't mean to make you feel disrespected, I assumed you posted your story in order to get feedback and to learn and improve as a writer. I wasn't being rude, I was just giving you my honest opinion as a reviewer. Its not easy to get negative feedback; I understand that as well as the next writer, but when you choose to publicize your work you will always get negative criticism as well as positive. If these aren't the kind of reviews you want, I would recommend not posting on here. When I first started getting negative feedback it really hurt me too, but it helped me adapt my writing style and improve the way I wrote. I wish you the best and I will make an effort not to review your work if this is the response I will get.
well you gave me a review as long as my story, I thank you for it, but it was really long and I wrote like that for a reason, and I like it, the way it is no matter what anyone says and I'm sorry if I'm angry just a bad couple of months, and no I appreciate it, I really do ya know, and dude I know I'm going to get negative I was just in a really foul mood and I'm allowed to post on here I love writing
Can I ask why you wrote it that way? Just for my own clarity. And I want you to write on here, I just don't want every person who gives you a review to regret it after the fact or you will never get any feedback and that won't help anyone.
I write it the way I feel, like the way you write yes I have read your story, and I don't need to give you corrections cause its amazing, and trust me I'm not even gonna respond to any reviews cause I don't care what people say
I'm glad your so self assured! We need more people like that. What story did you read?
Don't speak
That's an old one, but I really enjoyed writing it. As far I have gotten. I never finished it. Before I ever posted it on here, I used to have a friend edit it, she loved knowing she was the first one to read every chapter
well its amazing
Thank you