z

Young Writers Society



Everything Ends

by RedheadedZombieKilla


"Reggie! Reggie! Are you paying attention?"

I looked up from my blank paper at the teacher. "Class is over, Reggie," she said, sighing as she looked at me. I grabbed my paper and walked out of class, barely staying awake, barely paying attention. I was preoccupied. School was the least of my worries.

Memories flooded my mind, making me want to go crazy, making me feel crazy. But I wouldn't let it show. I had to make it to the next class. What hour was it? I couldn't remember. I didn't want too. All at once, I felt as if I couldn't stay at school any longer.

My mother would be dissapointed when she found out I'd skipped class again, but she understood. I walked out of the school, letting the cool breeze consume me. Letting the memories surface. Accepting what the world had become, accepting the changes.

I never thought I would see Deliah like I now did. Tubes and IVs in her arms, surrounding her, all colorless and lifeless. Like she was dead already. It wasn't fair. If she was going to be like that, she may as well have been dead.

No, these changes in her didn't happen overnight. I had always known she would end up like this, but I didn't know it would happen so soon.

Her sweet voice echoed through my head, and tears swelled in my eyes.

"Everything good ends."

Her words were somewhat comforting, even though I'd never hear her voice again. Through the breeze, I whispered my heartfelt reply, the only reply I could muster.

"You are my sweetest downfall. Proof everything good ends."

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
214 Reviews

Points: 14468
Reviews: 214

Donate
Mon Sep 07, 2015 1:06 pm
artybirdy wrote a review...



Hello there, I’m here to review!

I liked it—a lot. I can relate to it because I have been in such a situation. However, I felt that you could have developed it further. You introduced Deliah, Reggie’s sister I’m assuming, too quickly and it’s not effective in gaining the reader’s sympathy. You need to improve your pacing. Gradually build up the plot and, once it’s reached at its highest point, reveal the truth to us. For example, she might try to stop herself from crying when she sees their picture on her phone. This creates a mystery for us and we’re left wondering who or what could have happened to Deliah. Add two or three more events that lead us to think something’s wrong and we’re desperate to find out what.

You can also include a flashback to show us how they spent their time together. That’ll give us an idea about how close they were. It’ll help us understand Reggie’s emotional state and how badly Deliah’s condition must have affected her. Both of these improvements also make your characters more “rounded” and make us care for them. I found no grammar or punctuation errors, so that’s a plus point! I enjoyed reading your story.

I love the last sentence. It’s impactful and heart touching. Good job. Well done, and keep writing!




User avatar


Points: 56
Reviews: 4

Donate
Wed Feb 29, 2012 3:42 am
View Likes
GrymmRipper wrote a review...



Just a tiny correction on the line from paragraph 2,"I didn't want *to".I could definitely pickup the emotions infused within the story. It gives off an impression that it's been written effortlessly,which is a good thing.Will be looking forward towards more short stories from you.Cheers! :D





i, too, use desk chairs for harm and harm alone
— Omni