Young Writers Society

For days I watched her run around in the woods, laughing like a child and singing like a beautiful angel. She was young- perhaps as young as eighteen or nineteen- and so full of fun, she made life quite carefree. But I was married to a woman who refused greatly about having children. She always told me children are a waste of time, they never obey the rules, and they are completely mindless. Seeing my young crush play around and just plainly b#FF0000 ">y herself broke my heart. The young woman was free, and I- a man of six and twenty years- was a prisoner of wrong love.

#0000FF ">You may want to add a few words around the part I underlined. Such examples could be: seem or feel. It just doesn't feel complete. The use of 'greatly' and 'plainly' also seem a little awkward. I know that greatly can mean awesome, but it can also mean 'a large amount'. However more people are more familiar with the awesome definition so perhaps 'many times' would fit better. As for plainly, I wouldn't even use an adverb there. Saying 'by herself' is more than enough to show that there is no one with her.

One night while my wife was entirely asleep, I slipped into the woods and met my young love who was swinging on a vine. She looked at me in the eye, smiled, and said sweetly, "Hello there. Never seen you in an eternity. #FF0000 ">Are you new in these parts?"

#0000FF ">Again, funny phrase ' entirely asleep'. It can mean that she was fast asleep, but to us commoners, it sounds a bit out of place. Same with 'Never seen you in an eternity'. I understand that she has never seen him before and eternity refers to how in her entire life she has never seen him. But isn't there an easier way to say this while still keeping the romanticness of the mood?

I said, "Yes, young ma'am. I am new here. I haven't been out of my house since I was wed." I covered my mouth. I said something I shouldn't have. Because of that, #FF0000 ">the chances #FF0000 ">were great that my crush would run away after hearing that I was a married man.

#0000FF ">Did not expect MC to split so early in the conversation. Had me gasping in real life and thinking, "Oh, my goooosh, what is he going to do now? Where is this conversation going to go? A great twist you threw in here.

To my surprise, the young woman stayed where she was and kept smiling. She said, "I know how it feels to be a prisoner. I wanted to marry the one I chose, but my father refused my true love and murdered him so I could be wed to the one my parents chose. The one I was supposed to marry is a self-lover, a cheat, and too old for me. I want someone who is strong, full of youth, willing to have children, and willing to die for me and our family." She stopped swinging as she stared at me, studying my complexion. "How old are you anyway, sir?"

#0000FF ">The only thing that stuck out to me in this paragraph is that she talks so easily about how her father had murdered the person she loved. Unless it was a metaphor or symbolism (as in her father killed the relationship, thus effectively killing him to her), I don't think she should be talking so easily about this. Maybe at the part where she stops swinging, add something like, "I still remember him," she sighed, "his *add some description here*." She sighed again, "but that's all in the past." something like that so that we know she regrets what happened to her past lover, or else it seems a like she didn't care for the last guy.

I had to admit she was a strange study. Naked save for a moss-green dress that hung on her large bosom, she seemed to bring out the beauty of a dryad. Her hair was silver like starlight#FF0000 ">, her eyes were like sapphires, #FF0000 ">and her skin white as milk. With her dress, she was too beautiful to watch go to waste. I told her my age and admitted that I was married to a woman far older than I was. "My wife hated me because I was young and refused to sleep in the same bed with me at night," I said lowly. "My parents arranged the wedding. My wife is old enough to be mistaken as my grandmother. I never liked her the night she didn't sleep with me. It's just not fair."

#0000FF ">She was too beautiful to go to waste? I am thinking that he wanted to do more than just see her with her dress on. If that is not your intent, you may want to clear this up.

The young woman climbed off her vine and put her hand on my chest. She said kindly, "Perhaps I can provide you with what you really need, but that is if you want me to provide it #FF0000 ">," Studying her more allowed me to know the length of her dress. It was strapless and hung down to her ankles. She reached for my vest and snuck her hands under it to massage my shoulders, inflaming me with undisguised desire.

#0000FF ">Not really wrong here. Maybe just the part where she reaches up to his shoulders front under the vest. This is really, really nit picking so ignore this if you want. But if the vest was fastened, how would she reach under such a tight piece of fabris? I know that you didn't state that it was fastened, but I counted that with no one in their mind would go outside with an unbuttoned shirt/vest. Again, don't think badly of me for this, just a potential spot where other people could complain about.

I tried to fight the temptation to mate with her, but fighting was in vain. She overpowered me the second #FF0000 ">her eye met mine. As she stripped me of my clothes and brushed her skin against mine, I sighed. I wanted her and was with her. I was at the palm of her youthful hands. I whispered, "Don't let me go, my love. By law, we mate for life. Now you and I are mates for life. Let me be your husband, and I will let you be my wife. I am forever yours." After this, I fell asleep and felt her collapse on my chest. She #FF0000 ">had worked both of us out and there we slept#FF0000 ">, together like true lovers.

#0000FF ">Sine you used me twice in that sentenec, I tried changing it a little. Other than some small comma things, this was the high light of the entire story. This is the point when we see their true love for each other and when we can finally clap and wish them luck in their relationship.

This went on in secret for at least two weeks when my wife found out I was sneaking around at night, mating with a blossoming young woman. My wife threatened to burn the girl #FF0000 ">at the stake if I continued my act of adultery, but I#FF0000 ">, myself#FF0000 ">, wouldn't allow the girl to die on my account. With what was left of my wounded pride, I stole into the woods and hid there. The girl- Dryad, as she was named- was in a redwood tree, hiding in her nest where she invited me to sleep in. We mated twice that night, never worrying about our trouble at the present. Dryad always loved the forest so much, it became her home. After knowing my way around the woods, I was wed to Dryad and the woods around us became our home.

#0000FF ">Beautiful ending. Two complaints. The first being that the ending felt rushed. You have many paragraphes setting the tone, the mood, the scenario, then just one to describe how they are together. Perhaps it is better this way. But you may want to explain more about the process of MC running away, the fight between him and his wife, and then a little about the marriage between Dryad and MC (marriage was unofficial, but maybe just add a scene about the two of them being together. E.G they walked through the woods holding hands. The second is the underlined part. In my opinion, it sounds better as, "was hidden in a redwood tree. She sat in her nest and invited me to sleep with her." Just my opinion.