Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
“Benjamin David Leonard get your lazy ass up or I’m never giving a ride while I’m living on this damned earth” It was my mother again. It was weird that she woke me up every morning like this since I was actually never late.
Anyways I just grabbed any shirt I found on the ground and kept my shorts that I slept with (not as nasty as it sounds). I put on one of my many pairs of sandals (the California life is overrated) and grabbed my messy backpack to head to school. I didn’t really care about my appearance since no one important had time to make fun of me for not having the latest Jordan’s.
As I head to the first day of senior year I sigh at the thought of college applications, to most of the school I’m known for my miraculous study techniques for the SAT. The only reason I did this is so I can get a chance to talk to Grace Covington, with her glistening brown hair matching her eyes and sweet voice, she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, well maybe not. She isn’t the most popular girl that is why I aim for her instead of going for Cara Steinman she basically runs the school.
When I walk into school I’m already crowded by the Robotics room, ok you caught me I’m a bit of a nerd but anyways all everyone is talking about is college. I’m fine going anywhere, MIT is my dream though, I’m pretty sure I will never get in. So back to the crowded part, everyone is asking me for tips on their applications, they act like I work for the Harvard’s Admissions office. I barely got out of the crowd and I started to head to AP Literature.
I spent the whole class staring at Grace, she was definitely the one I was going to ask to senior prom, everyone goes to senior prom. Well everyone normal, so as I was walking out of class I spotted my best friend Larry who haven’t seen all day and I don’t want to know why.
“Hey Benja” Grace said as she intercepted me on my way to Larry
“Hi” I try to say without sounding any more awkward then I am.
“Can you stop by my place tonight I need some help with application to UNC” she said cheerfully.
“Sure” I spat, realizing that I might have expressed my disappointment.
I start heading to Larry with my head down he is co-captain of the Robotics team but always hangs out in the orchestra hall where his basically dated all the girls there.
“Hey I saw you talking to Grace, did she say she’s going to give you something special tonight” He said as he was nudging me in the gut with his shoulder.
Larry was light skin with blue eyes and brown hair (now you don’t have to ask why he gets all these girls), he pretty much has the same personality as me expect one tiny difference, he’s a HUGE pervert. I on the other hand am a black bushy haired scrawny white boy that looking like someone forgot to flip him on the grill.
“Nah, I got school-zoned again” I said with obvious disappointment
“Don’t get to down bruh, every sex scene in highschool movies starts as “studying”, anyways if it doesn’t work out you can always have one of my pretty ponies” he said with a creepy wink.
“If you ever say that again I will bawl your eyes out, before you do it to yourself” I say as we walk to AP 3D Art
The rest of the day was uneventful, I would say normal but if it was normal that would mean I’m normal which I’m not (not saying this in a good way). Anyways as I got home in my mom’s mini-cooper, yeah I know it’s embarrassing, I should call my dad and ask him for a new car. Let me just go back in time 9 years ago and do it or I can go to his grave. As I pull up to the drive way I see a figure dressed in all black, if I didn’t see the glowing screen of her phone I could have mistaken it for a knife and it wouldn’t have ended well from there.
“Um, can you move” I say nervously as I approach this figure
“Shut up Benja, you pussy” It said with an obvious feminine voice. The silence broke after a few seconds “Its Cara you ass-face, damn no one can be a spy around here without people pissing their pants” she said with an extremely loud laugh.
“What are you doing in my drive way” I say as she pulls off her black hood allowing me to see you face, she had dirty blonde hair with sea green eyes and an amazing.
“I’m here to warn you about what we are going to do tonight, stop staring at me you pervert” I looked away as soon as she said it. “Anyways don’t go to sleep, I’m coming with a bucket of ice anyways and fill up that mini-cooper we are going on a road trip a.k.a mission”
“Wait up, who said I agree to this what the hell” I yell after here as I see her disappear into the woods behind my house.
I spend the rest of the night trying to work on my application essays but just end up think about thinking about what Cara said to me, as I look at my phone to check the time I see an unread voice mail, its Grace! I just remember that I promised to help her with her application, did I just blow off Grace Covington.
As I sit in bed and watch my clock hit midnight I think about when she is coming and if she is coming. As that thought had just began to pass I hear some music, is that Drake, SMACK something hit my window. I open up the window and see Cara dancing with a stereo on her shoulder with that same black outfit on.
“Turn that shit down what the hell are you doing” I said in a half whisper half yell
“Stop being so grumpy, come on its time for our mission/road trip, don’t worry about not being back by morning its Friday just say you are sleeping over at Barry’s house or something” She said happily “And don’t for get to wear all black, we need to match”
When I hop out the window as quietly as possible I already find her standing by my mini-cooper.
“You take forever to change, we are not going to one of your robotics tournaments damn” She said with a giggle as she saw my face that looked like it had been dipped in salt.
“Why do you want me to come with you” I ask while I quietly pull out of the driveway.
“The real question is why you are so quick to come with me?” She said with a smile.
I was caught, why was I so quick to come with her without even the slightest hint of struggling. “I don’t know, you tell me” I say with an obviously fake attitude.
“Because you need it” She says as she frowns at the window. “We need it”
“Anyways where are we going in the middle of the night on a Friday as minors?” I say to break the silence.
She turns back around with a smile and hold up two fake IDs “Were going to Las Vegas”
At that point I completely stopped the car and turned to look at her like she was a madman, which I was beginning to think she was.
“Have you gone mad?!” I say louder than I meant
“Well what did you expect we were going to do at midnight, watch Netflix and eat ice-cream, go play laser tag?” She says with confusion
“Um, not those exactly but something I guess normal” I say nervously
“See that is your problem, you always want to be normal” She says plainly “The idea of you standing out and you being unique scares the living hell out of you”
“Than what is your problem” I say happily for thinking of a great comeback.
“The exact opposite” She said with a frown, than turned around happily and said “That why I’m here to help you and you’re here to help me!”
I feel bad for her but then again why should I she has everything I ever wanted, she said she was the exact opposite of me. Does that mean I have everything she has ever wanted? I return to feeling bad.
I take the car out of park. “Las Vegas it is” I say as she turns around and shows me her smile.
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Hey! Just wanted to give you a friendly review! First of all, good work for putting in so much effort to write this draft!
The first thing I noticed was that this started with a person being yelled at (including language). To me, that didn't sit well or really make me want to continue reading. Overall, the grammar could use improving as it is the main disadvantage. Also, the overall feel of the story seemed to lack a certain depth. It was if this was a series of events happening instead of intentional scenes and acts. Ultimately you should begin stories that invoke questions in the reader. As you answer the question, you invoke more questions to keep the readers attention.
Keep working, I am sure you can improve! Good work.
Thanks
Hello! I liked this a lot. Has a variety of characters and room for a cool plot. I know something is going to go wrong. My question is what? Will you tell or do I have to wait?
"She isn’t the most popular girl that is why I aim for her instead of going for Cara Steinman she basically runs the school." Cut this sentence short. It's hard to read.
"When I walk into school I’m already crowded by the Robotics room, ok you caught me I’m a bit of a nerd but anyways all everyone is talking about is" here, like in a few other places, add some better grammar.
"she had dirty blonde hair with sea green eyes and an amazing."an amazing? Smile? Personality?
Anyway, everyone thinks this will end with a romance inbetween Cara and Benjamin. I think it could happen, but I know something bigger is happening too. I see adventure in this story.
What I would add is some backstory to him and Cara. How does Cara know him? She knows something about him.
I can't wait to read more, so please PM when you write chapter two. If you want help getting some minor grammar stuff out. PM me too.
Now, for a second time, welcome to YWS! And I hope to see you around.
Hi there, and can I offer a slightly belated welcome to YWS? cleverclogs here to review!
Before I can review any actual content of this story, I have to let the grammar Nazi part of me take over for a minute and show you the light of correct grammar. This may take a while, since this has so many mistakes.
1. Lack of punctuation in dialogue
Dialogue is not a free pass from punctuation. Just because your characters are speaking, don't assume that you can just ignore punctuation. It makes it seem very stiff and unnatural. With correct punctuation in dialogue, I imagine the characters talking like normal human beings. Without, I imagine them speaking like a bunch of robots. Here's a quick guide to using punctuation in dialogue from the YWS knowledge base:
Punctuation within Dialogue
2. Shift from past to present tense.
Here are two quotes from this story:
Now, what is the difference between these? The first is in past tense, and the second is in present tense. This sort of shift is the pet peeve of grammar Nazis everywhere. Don't do it. Pick a tense and stick with it. I prefer past tense for this sort of story, personally.
3. SO. MANY. COMMA SPLICES.
They were all over the place. It honestly made it hard for me to read this story without cringing. If I were to pick out every example, I would be here all day, so here's one particularly irritating example:
This example is a double whammy. The commas not only connect two independent clauses, but three. You could literally replace each comma with a period and it would be more grammatically correct than it is now. It wouldn't sound very good, so you'd have to rephrase the sentence to something like:
I'll leave you with an article on comma splices to help you self-edit.
Comma splices
Those were the three, glaring recurrent problems that I noticed. There were also some instances of missing punctuation and the like, but it's nothing that you can't handle with a good proofread.
Now, I can review content. I'm not a huge fan of teen fiction, so bear with me here.
...began every teen fiction story ever. This opening is a variation of the old "alarm clock beginning" cliche that is ever-present in stories like these. It's not any more original because it replaces the alarm clock with the mother. I'd suggest coming up with something less overused to start your story with. This does nothing to set apart your story from the rest of the genre.
NafaKitty went through and pointed out many weird things that don't quite ring true from a teenage perspective, so I get to focus on the idea of the story
Now, it's interesting that you're telling this story from a male perspective. So many teen fiction stories are told from the female perspective, so that's new. It seems like your character isn't a Gary Stu (the male equivalent of a Mary Sue), which is also refreshing. You also don't bombard us with a description of the character while they're looking in the mirror, which is probably a result of the protagonist being male. Your beginning may be overused, but your character manages to avoid the many cliches that come with being the male in teen fiction, which is good.
The romance (probably between Benjamin and Cara later on in the story) is pretty cliche, but unfortunately, that's a pretty unavoidable problem in this genre. Unless you can find something to really mix it up and cause trouble, then this story is a little predictable.
I have to say that overall, the grammar is holding this story back. I just can't take a story seriously when the grammar is so all-over-the-place and the writing so unorganized. I'd recommend thoroughly proofreading this, or even finding a YWSer who will proofread it for you before posting it. The story doesn't seem bad at all, but my grammar Nazi senses start tingling whenever I read this. Don't be discouraged by this review. You're still a good writer, but your story needs a lot of work. Keep on writing!
Yeah I wrote this pretty quick (hour) and if this story is predictable then tell me how its going to go.
Anyways thanks
Hey there! NafaKitty here to leave you a friendly review!
The first paragraph seems extremely sudden, and slightly forced. It was just like "BAM! Here I am!" and it took me off guard for a minute.
Then the first sentence of the second paragraph where it ended with "kept my shorts that I slept with". That confused me...are they the shorts he slept IN or does this guy actually sleep with his shorts. I'm kind of envisioning this teenage boy cuddling with a pair of shorts when I read that... This boy, Benjamin, seems kind of superficial to me. At least, he does right now. I can't say at this moment I particurlarly care for him.
OKay, I thought something was bothering me...this is being written in present tense. I'm not saying it's a bad thing for that to be done. I just don't really like it, but that's my opinion. I will not allow it to cloud my judgement!
I like how you described Grace, but then he says that the reason he is going for her is solely because she isn't the most popular girl in school. That seems kind of cruel of him to me.
I've been a senior in high school....when I was a senior nobody talked about college right when they started their senior year. They were more worried about joining a varsity team, or spending time with friends. People certainly didn't bombard one person with advice for college applications.
He spent the whole class period staring at Grace...I'm pretty sure she noticed that....perhaps put in there that she noticed and he glances away trying not to be creepy?
Then she shows up and just wants him for his brains...poor dude...actually no...still don't like him.
She's asking him to stop by her place tonight...I'm sensing something more that college application help is going to be going on.
And I'm still going to ask why Larry gets all the girls...what does have light skin with blue eyes and brown hair have to do with anything? Does he have a nice face? Flawless skin, amazing body, etc?
Wait...are Benjamin and Cara friends? I'm extremely confused now. Why is he going along with what she's saying?
How does Grace have his number? From before, has he helped her study and he gave her his number? It doesn't seem to me like she wants him for anything more than a free ride.
Isn't the Mini Cooper his mom's car? When did he tell his mom he was going to "Barry's house"? Who is Barry anyways?
Why are a bunch of kids going to Las Vegas? It's not like they're going to actually be able to do anything. I'm so confused...
The story has potential, but some things could be changed to make it way better. There are some missing words here and there, and I didn't really notice any grammatical or punctuation errors, so that's good. Uhm...maybe be a little more explanatory on some things, etc.
Sincerely-
NafaKitty
Thanks