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Young Writers Society



Six silver Chains

by RedWing


All I ever wanted was to be normal. I wanted to have friends and family who loved me and to be known as Lauren instead of the weird girl who doesn’t talk. People think I can’t talk, but in fact I am quite capable. It’s just that when someone talks to me I get shy and can’t think of the right words to put together. The whole process of putting certain words in certain places is confusing to me. The first and only time I have ever talked was in kindergarten four years ago. A little dark haired boy asked me what my favorite color was. In my head I thought “my favorite color is purple” but when I tried to speak it, it sounded like “Favorite my color purple is”. The boy gave me a weird look and walked away. I know it sounds retarded and all, but I was really crushed and from that moment on I decided that silence was far better than humiliation.

Speech wasn’t my only problem. My appearance made me stand out when all I really wanted was to blend. First off, I am shorter than most kids in my class and weigh half the amount they weigh. I don’t look bony, just really small. The doctor says my bones are hollow which worries my mother to death. The doctor says that this is not normal and it’s a wonder I am still alive. Second, I have really long hair and bags under my eyes. For some odd reason my hair wont stay short. Mother is constantly trying to cut it, but to her astonishment, it grows back the very next day. One time, she got so aggravated, she shaved it all off with the hope of it not growing back so quickly. To her dismay, it was well below my shoulders the very next day.

The bags under my eyes are from lack of sleep. I have not had any decent rest since I was four. In fact, I was normal until I was about that age. I remember that day clearly as though it was yesterday. Dad came home early with a birthday present. It was a small lavender stone strung around a small silver chain. It was my most prized possession. I remember staring at the stone carefully as if mesmerized by the swirls that seemed to spiral downward. I remember distinctly letting my dad fasten it around my neck and saying “It looks beautiful on you”. I gave him a quick hug then ran to the backyard where all my friends were playing. “Let’s go swimming!” screamed my cousin Danny as he ripped his shirt off and did a cannonball into the pool. Everyone seemed to like the idea, so in no time we all ran inside to change.

As I finished changing in my upstairs bedroom, I noticed I still had my necklace on. Getting it wet and ruining it in any way was the last thing I wanted. As I felt for the back fastening, it felt as though the metal fused together. There seemed no way to undo it. I looked again in the mirror and surely it was large enough to slip over my small head. As I lifted it, it seemed to shrink and I barely got it over my nose. Now I was kind of frustrated. Asking my mom in front of my friends was definitely not an option. If you needed your moms help in taking off a necklace at my age, then you really were stupid.

I reached for a pair of scissors on my coloring desk. The chain was definitely thin enough to cut off with scissors, but no matter how hard I tried to cut it off, It wouldn’t even scratch. So feeling defeated I wore it in the pool and decided to ask my mom to take it off once my friends had all gone home.

As I ran down stairs I caught my dad just as he was walking out the door. I pointed at the pool and then at the necklace trying to ask if it could get damaged from the water. He turned around and kneeled. “Water will not damage it, and nor will anything else. It is a fine stone indeed and you must promise that no matter what happens you will take good care of it.” I looked at him confused and nodded. “Good” he said looking down. Now it seemed as though he was crying. I was really confused. Had I done something wrong? He seemed to sense my confusion and ruffled my hair with a fake smile. “Bye Lauren. I’ll be back soon” He turned and walked out the door but suddenly came back in and turned to me “Just remember Lauren, it is a blessing, not a curse”With that, he was gone and I had never seen him since.

As if that wasn’t weird, that night was even weirder. I was starting to doze off when I felt a sudden surge of pain throughout my body. The pain was unbearable and it made me squirm all over knocking the sheets off my bed. The room was spinning and there was a loud ringing in my ears. I was feeling dizzy as things started to grow larger all around me. I felt like I was shrinking but yet growing at the same time. After what seemed like hours of pain I opened my eyes that were squeezed shut. The room had definitely grown bigger. I looked around. My pillow was about as big as the dining room table and my bed was the size of the backyard. I reached up towards my face but to my surprise, my small pale arms were black and feathery. At the thought of this, I completely freaked out. I screamed and flapped my wings praying to wake up from this nightmare. But I never did until morning.

From that night on, the same thing happened every night. But eventually the pain stopped and turned to an uncomfortable stomach sinking feeling. It was also the start of my uncontrollable hair growth, shrinking hollow bones, which eventually allowed me to fly and the bags from lack of sleep.

I always remember my father’s last words to me “It is a blessing, not a curse”. But it has been nothing but an omen to me. It was nothing more than a friend loser, nightmare bringer, mom freaker outer and life waster. Throughout the years it has brought me nothing but pain, loneliness and aggravation. But little did I know what the true purpose of the necklace was and what is had in store for me.


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Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:48 am
RedWing says...



Thanks for the comments :)




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Wed Feb 27, 2008 12:00 am
Kathy_7_Kathy says...



NICE

I liked it very very much

It is very intresting...

maybe you should describe more the necklace.

bye




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Tue Feb 26, 2008 11:26 pm
GryphonFledgling wrote a review...



Yes, you have a bit of an info-dump here. Never fear, however, it can all be fixed with a little editing.

My suggestion would be to have the action happening, rather than the character just telling us about it. Maybe have her go through a normal day, with everyone whispering. Don't just tell us that she is short and small, have her go to gym and really feel small. Or maybe she can't go to gym because of her hollow bones and she has to sit alone and watch everyone else. Show us that.

When you say at the end "allowed me to fly": can she fly? Maybe tell us about the first time she realized that she could fly.

But I like how it is all a curse to her. You have realistic fear when she turns into a bird, rather than the cool "Hey, I can fly! Whee!" of some fantasy characters when realizing an ability.

The necklace: Has her mother ever tried to get her professional help? What does her mother think about the father giving her daughter such a thing and then leaving? Was she in on the whole plan? Was she shocked? Maybe give us a little of that info. It would flesh out the story and really bring it to life.

Anyway, nice job. This can be something great. PM if you ever need help.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling




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Tue Feb 26, 2008 4:00 am
Teague says...



Thanks for fixing your formatting! Glad I could help. :D

Quick grammar note -- each time the dialogue switches from one character to another, it needs to be a new paragraph. It just helps make your paragraphs look less blocky, which helps keep your readers. Not many readers will stick through masses of huge paragraphs.

You have several spelling and grammar errors that I'm sure a decent proofread or copy edit will fix.

Goodness me, you have a serious heap of info dump here. Info dumping is information dumping -- shoving all the narration down your reader's throat all at once. It's generally frowned upon and it bores your reader, in all honesty.

The best way to remedy info dumps is to trash all the exposition and show it rather than tell it. You can do this primarily through action, aided by description, emotion, strong verbs, etc. You never want to start a story off by listing facts -- always go straight to the action. That's what hooks your readers and keeps them paying attention. You want to keep the action moving so that you keep their attention.

If you want an example of how to do this, pick up a few books at random and look at how the authors wrote their introductions. Learning by example is no doubt the best. :D

PM me if you have any questions!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 10:28 pm
RedWing says...



Thanks for the critiques! ill try an edit this :D




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:12 pm
bookworm201 wrote a review...



Oddly enough I had an idea along this line years ago- a necklace you can't get off- but I never followed through with it. It'll be cool to see where you take it.

One thing I wanted to point out-

friend looser

I don't think that's the loose/lose you want. i think it needs to be "loser".

Also, I don't really know that many four year olds that can swim. That part doesn't really make sense to me personally, but that might just be me because i don't know how to swim at all.




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:49 pm
Stori says...



Interesting. Just one little error I want to point out.

I wanted to be normal, like everyone else.


I think you could leave out "like everyone else."




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:15 am
Teague wrote a review...



Ahoy there! Don't think I've seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint.

To fix your formatting problem, all you have to do is hit "enter" twice at the end of each paragraph. It puts a blank line between the paragraphs, much like I'm doing now, and fixes your formatting. For one reason or another tabs don't work on message boards. It's best to put a blank line between each -- we know what you mean.

I'd critique this, but I can't because my eyes are too sensitive to take the formatting. So nwo that you know how to fix it, just send me a PM when you've done so and I'll give this a proper critique! :D

Much love.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:40 am
Stockmar wrote a review...



For some reason, I think I've read the first paragraph somewhere before. Not the exact words, but the premise, the whole "not talking" thing.


Everyone seemed to like the idea, so in no time everyone ran inside to change.


I don't think you should use everyone twice in the sentence, it sounds redundant.

Ruining it in any way was the last thing I wanted.


This sentence doesn't make sense


I like the story, its very intriguing :D




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:45 am
RedWing says...



I dont get it. I typed this on Microsoft word with paragraphs, but when i submitted it on here they just left...





I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken