Stop the Masquerade Prolouge

I really liked reading your story.At first I was hesitant and skipped over, but decided to reconsider. I'm glad I did because I found it original and interesting. I would love to read more, and I will of course.

Beautiful title. THats really good.
I'll use purple for grammatical things, and purple for nitpicks.
~Kit

RedSun wrote:Stop the Masquerade Prologue


On my way to class, I hurried through the school hallway, almost running to my next class. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway to build the school in the shape of a long rectangle? I had to go from room 104 to room 296; and in the process, run up a flight of stairs and down one of the two long, wide hallways that were in our middle and high school. And while we are on the topic of good ideas, who’s idea was it to combine grades 6-12 in one Middle and High school?

As the big banner on the front of the school said, Welcome to Clearview Middle and High school!

I'm not going to lie and say I loved school--I wasn’t a big fan. Only students like Melanie liked school. Melanie was a nice girl, it's true, but she is such a goody-two-shoes it is hard to take her seriously. I think it was a plague that sucked out her brain and replaced it with a robotic one. People like her scared me in a "you-are-weird-get-away-from-me sort of way."

But she, and those like her, weren't the only people who scared me. Sofia and her crew were worse than one hundred, no, one thousand of Melanie’s people. Sofia and her crew ruled the school. They were the bullies--the popular people that owned this place. Don’t go near them, don’t make them think you are weird, and you will might be fine okay. Sofia was my ex-best friend. She started lacrosse in sixth grade, and completely crossed over to the dark side.

Goanna used to be part of the in-crowd. Now she was a city slicker, ruling her own world there. She was the type who didn’t use words, she used a fist. It was an effective method, but still scary. She had been, until fifth grade, the star of my many nightmares, and the reason I used to cry myself to sleep at night.

Then you have the dream boys. Lionel and his crew were the droll-worthy jocks of Clearview. They were like gods, in their elegance, strength, and biceps. One of them, Darin McDowell, was my next door neighbor. We had been friends for a while.....

Also in existence, were the drama-nerds. The super talented musical and theater types who make you want to scream with envy. The confidence in which they carry themselves, the beauty of watching them perform onstage, it was heartbreaking. I would sometimes stay after school, pretending to study, in the library but actually looking out the window that peeked into the auditorium. The director would show them what they did wrong, correct it, and then make something I thought was perfect even better.

Then you have the outcasts. The name explains it all. Those kids who had nobody, because they were different, new, or simply chose to be that way.

Me? I didn’t really know who I was. People considered me a drifter, not having a group where I belonged. I wasn’t an outcast--I could make friends if I really wanted to. There was a group of kids kind of like friends to me. They were a mix of the other groups. I sat at lunch with them, but that was it. Only rarely did I see someone outside of school.

I wasn’t talented that I knew of. I wasn't good at sports, failed gym, and wasn't incredibly bright. I'd never tried to play an instrument before, but I figured it would likely go the same way as everything else.



Or so I thought.

Your spelling and grammar is great! Now, I know this is a prolouge, but there is WAY TOO MUCH showing going on up in here. You do have nice description, but its not much of a capturer-er. I'm not sure, if, after this, id want to read anymore.

Oh, dear. I'm sorry for being so harsh. here. As a sorry, have a dancing pink elephant. I'm sorry.

This is good RedSun. It's something I would probably buy so far. I think that you do rush it a tad bit but it's just a prologue so it's fine. Let me know when you post the first chapter.

-fictionfanatic

I changed it a bit.

You've got a great idea here! Although, I do agree with Embee, you need to pace yourself. Really make the reader dislike Melanie and fear Sofia. You have great descriptions of the school crowd, you just need to build on them a little more.

OR, if you like it the way it is, you could make this the prologue to your story--short and sweet.

I have just a few suggestions:
1. Watch your tenses. One minute you were using the word "were" the next you used "are"
2. Be careful not to start too many sentences using "I"--this coming from someone who does it a lot, then kicks myself for not catching it 500 sentences ago. A possible way to fix this would be to connect smaller sentences that flow well with each other.
3. This is just a little thing I've picked up while writing...When writing, phrases like I am, you are, we are, is not, it is, can not sound better when they are put into contractions. It allows the reader to flow over it faster, and read it just like an actual person might say. Because most teenagers would say, "I'm not going to school today." Not, "I am not going to school today." But this rule is not always the case.

On my way to class, I walk hurried through the school hallway, almost running to my next class. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway to build the school in the shape of a long rectangle? I had to go from room 104 to room 296. I had to, and in the process, run up a flight of stairs and down one of the two long, wide hallways that were in our middle and high school. And while we are on the topic of good ideas, who’s idea was it to combine grades 6-12 in one Middle/High school.

As the big banner on the front of the school said, Welcome to Clearview Middle and High school!

I'm not going to lie and say I loved school--I wasn’t a big fan. Only students like Melanie liked school. (This would be a good time to tell us who the heck Melanie is, other than a school-lover) I think it was a plague that sucked out her brain and replaced it with a robotic one. People like her scared me in a "you-are-weird-get-away-from-me sort of way."

But she, and those like her, weren't the only people who scared me. Sofia and her crew were worse than one hundred, no, one thousand of Melanie’s people. Sofia and her crew ruled the school. They were the bullies--the popular people that owned this place. Don’t go near them, don’t make them think you are weird, and you will might be fine okay. (Talk about Sofia more. Is there a history between the two girls--build the reader's interest.)

Goanna used to be part of the in-crowd. Now she was a city slicker, ruling her own world there. She was the type who didn’t use words, she used a fist. It was an effective method, but still scary. (Again, she sounds like a bad a**, but I don't know why I should be afraid of her. Did she give one too many swirlies back in the ninth grade?)

Then you have the dream boys. Lionel and his crew were the droll-worthy jocks of Clearview. They were like gods, in their elegance, strength, and biceps. (GIVE MORE INFO--does the main character find them attractive, or does she roll her eyes at they drollness)

Also in existence, were the drama-nerds. The super talented musical and theater types who make you want to scream with envy. The confidence in which they carry themselves, the beauty of watching them perform onstage, it was heartbreaking. (Please more...I'm guessing from where the story is heading that she ends up involved with music)

Then you have the outcasts. The name explains it all. Those kids who had nobody, because they were different, new, or simply chose to be that way.

Me? I didn’t really know who I was. I was a drifter, not having a group where I belonged. I wasn’t an outcast--I could make friends if I really wanted to. I had a group of kids I kind of called my friends. They were a mix of the other groups. I sat at lunch with them, but that was it. Only rarely did I see someone outside of school. (Lot's of 'I's in that last paragraph--also, it just didn't seem to flow quite as nice as others did. Flesh it out.)

I wasn’t talented that I knew of. I stunk at sports, failed gym, and wasn't incredibly bright. I'd never tried to play an instrument before, but I figured it would likely go the same way as everything else.


Or so I thought.

Hello, RedSun, I'm going to be your reviewer today.

First off, I really like your title; it's something I would definitely pick up at a bookstore.

I walk through the school hallway, almost running to my next class.

And while we are on the topic of good ideas, who’s idea was it to combine grades 6-12 in one Middle/High school.

As the big banner on the front of the school said, Welcome to Clearview Middle and High school!

I am not going to lie and say I loved school; actually, I wasn’t a big fan. But only students like Melanie liked school. I think it was a plague that sucked out her brain and replaced it with a robotic one. People like her scared me (in a you-are-weird-get-away-from-me sort of way).