Chapter One-Jealousy
I stared out the little window in the library that looked into the auditorium. The play crew was practicing again.
Front and center was Rani Smith. She was tall, blond, thin, funny and had the singing voice of an angel. Even freckles looked charming on her. She had on long, laced, black gloves that would have looked ridiculous on anyone else, but on her they were amazing. I had admitted it to myself a long time ago, I was jealous of one of my only friends.
The director stops to fix something, and Rani's voice jumps up two notes, making the song even better. She had the solo with Aidan Mark. He was amazing, cute, and I supposed he was funny, because any time he opened his mouth, people started laughing.
"Natalie, Natalie!" I hear someone call my name. It's Maggie.
"Maybe if you spent less time looking at Aid," She raised her eyebrows, "and more time studying, you would get better grades."
"I am watching all of them." I lied.
"Of course you are. Come on, I will give you a ride home."
"I owe you one." I told her. I was going to get my license next year; she was a grade older than me, and already had hers.
"You owe me like one hundred." She said. I forced a little laugh.
We pulled up in her porsche at my little run down house. She waves goodbye, and speeds off. I sigh, ready for another night of fighting with my brother, and my mom fighting with dad, and dad yelling at me......just like every other night.
"Hi Zach." I say glumly walking in the door. He reaches up and tugs at a piece of my hair.
"Ha ha, gotcha hair." He says. I feel some of my extensions fall out.
"Give it back you...." I start to curse, but he rubs his cheek to make it red, then runs into my moms room. A second later, she comes out.
"Why did you slap him?" She demands.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright, well this is an intriguing start here to this piece. We've got a pretty casual and rather typical sounding scene here with just a few hints of some hidden depth to our main character here that does in fact immediately make things a lot more interesting than they otherwise would have been. Its a pretty solid start here for the moment.
Hmm, well this also immediately makes things a lot more interesting here. For starters this is some decent banter here with this other person, you can tell that they are some pretty solid friends although I would have liked to see a slightly longer conversation along with a slightly longer scene here to really bring this across a bit better, but as it is, its a solid start here and this laundry list of problems this person appears to suffer at home is only making things more interesting here and I am loving that.
Well, this illustrates the previous bit quite nicely here. It is too early to judge if this is a prank or genuinely a problem, but of course the person stating it is indeed a problem all but confirms its the latter. At any rate, this makes for an interesting ending here with a demonstration of what this protagonists life must be like, although I do have to say that this does feel a teensy bit incomplete here as if was cut off abruptly in the middle of this first chapter.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Loved it but again add more detail.
Hey! I'm Ninja (or NCM, whichever), and I'll review this chapter for you. First of all, this sounds promising, keep it up. But there were a few mistakes-accidents, I'm sure- that should be pointed out.
Maybe the comma should be a colin or a semicolon, I think it would make more sense.
Shouldn't that 'She' be lowercase?
There ought to be commas before and after 'like', and again, lowercase it.
Capitalize 'Porsche'; it's a brand name. I think.
Capitalization, my dear, capitalization.
I think you mean 'mom's room'. Unless she keeps a room full of mothers, in which case it would, in fact, be a moms room.
I think you could bear to liven it up, add more detail, go into depth a little, stuff like that. Basically, add MORE. Tell us what's going on; rather than just what events are taking place, tell us WHY. And how, and when, and all that jazz. Good work, keep it up!
I just hate reading long chapters online, so it will be chapter one part one, part two ect.
This is pretty good RedSun. It's a little short to be a chapter but that could be your writing style.