Dispersed Doubts

by RedSmiles
  • January 16, 2010
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Upon our first touch of lips,
all the doubts stowed in my mind,
your skin confined to my finger's tips,
but still my doubts to hide behind.
-
As I hid you divulged,
with each word a qualm was purged,
and now I have nowhere to hide,
standing proudly by your side.
-
Now with all my doubts dispersed,
I carefully write you a free verse.
How emotions ricochet,
rearing elation per a day.
-
From when our eyes did first converge,
my hearts continued on its surge,
feeling no need to impede,
It's ever amplifying speed.

Comments & reviews · 4
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silented1
Review
silented1 wrote a review · Sat Jan 16, 2010 4:13 pm

Upon our first touch of lips,
Thank you for not using kiss. IT's completely over used.
Now with all my doubts dispersed,
I carefully write you a free verse.
How emotions ricochet,
rearing elation per a day.
. Something is amiss here. It's a tad bit off. Awkward as they say.

Okay. Your rhyme is okay. I didn't like it too much but it wasn't terrorible so nice job.

Over all it was okay, I liked it, sort of.(Another love you, you know how it is.)

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

Random avatar
Litehawk
Review
Litehawk wrote a review · Sat Jan 16, 2010 3:40 am

RedSmiles wrote:Upon our first touch of lips,
all the doubts stowed in my mind,
your skin confined to my finger's tips,
but still my doubts to hide behind. #FF0000 ">This line didn't really make sense, it was like yoda talk but with only half the words. Perhaps you could use "But I had my doubts to hide behind"
-
As I hid you divulged,
with each word a qualm was purged,
and now I have nowhere to hide, #FF0000 ">Why would you think of a place you could hide if you stated in the line after this that you stand proudly by his side?
standing proudly by your side.
-
Now with all my doubts dispersed,
I carefully write you a free verse.#FF0000 ">I don't know if it's really alright to mention how you're writing a poem in your poem. It just seems kinda... wrong.
How emotions ricochet,
rearing elation per a day. #FF0000 "> per a day? Sounds like very very forced rhyming, and it didn't' really make sense.
-
From when our eyes did first converge,#FF0000 ">Shakespeare was over 300 years ago, try using normal grammar.
my hearts continued on its surge,
feeling no need to impede,#FF0000 ">Your heart feels no need to impede its amplifying speed? It doesn't really make sense to me, why would you impede yourself?
It's ever amplifying speed.

#000000 ">There was a lot of forced rhyming, but poems can always be fixed. The rhythm is also a bit mixed around. Good luck

User avatar
Mo.
Review
Mo. wrote a review · Sat Jan 16, 2010 2:24 am

Ooh, pretty! Hey Smiles!

I like this, especially the rhyming pattern, I think it has a good rhythm. Good job, I really liked it, I think it's very well written! Although, I had to read it twice to really get the meaning of it, (but I'm not really a poem expert anyway.) :D

Good Job, and keep writing!

~Mo.



I went to confront noisy neighbours, only to find the windows dark, stuck with two notes. The ghost, too, had "gone fishing". Something still whistled.
— Liminality