Butterfly Shaped Stains

Hello, hello!

I think everyone already caught any errors that I was going to potentially point out. So, that being said, I enjoyed this immensely. This is mostly because I really liked the idea of comparing feelings to something as off-the-wall as a cocoon that just...well, dies. (I love weirdness!)

I agree; I like the half-rhymes. It makes it seem almost like free-form with discipline. Or a pattern trying to break away and be an individual.

I agree with what Snoink said a bit: the idea of doing the cocoon first, yourself later, but you have a great idea nonetheless and it's refreshing!

I feel so weird writing about liking nearly everything. I guess change is good.

Thanks for posting! Take care and keep writing!

Hey RedSmiles!

Now, I probably have an old school idea about poetry (since that's what I like) but I kind of like it when poets describe the metaphor fully and then relate that to the feelings they feel. When poets do that, it has a more subtle feeling that I like so that when I read those poems, I get into the thing they are describing and when the finally bring up themselves, it seems less forced, if that makes sense.

Haha, I know... a nice, vague critique. Not very useful!

Instead of bringing up yourself after every image, try describing the metamorphosis of the butterfly and then relate it to yourself. See what happens.

Aw! You guys

Hi Red--just a quick overview of what I think!

You use half rhymes, as a few others have said. Flow is key. And that means the rhymes have to fit into the flow perfectly, or at least in a decent way. I liked the imagery you used in stanza two, as Kamas pointed out. Very nice. I also enjoyed the idea here. It was original, I think.
Great job! Keep posting!
Tata,
Mizzle

Hi Red,

As Amy said you've used half rhymes. Which I personally prefer over full rhymes but shhh.
Though you use half rhymes it still feels forced when you read it out loud. When it comes to poetry that's possibly the best tip I can give you. Flow is obvious when it's there, if your tongue catches and you have to think about the pace for a split second, something is wrong there.

Use that to figure out your rhyming scheme.

The imagery in stanza two is lovely, though in the rest of the poem it falls flat in comparison. Use that imagery and language, because you hooked me for a moment there with that stanza and then it was gone.

Keep writing,

Kamas

Hey there!

I'd just like to say that you have beautiful imagery here. You obviously have a lovely writing style and it really shows. Nice one!

The main problem I have with this is your rhyme. Now, for the most part it doesn't sound too forced, so I think you're fine sticking to a rhyme scheme. But, at the start I noticed that you have some rhymes that, technically, don't rhyme (metamorphing/changing). Well, what you've actually used are half rhymes. Some famous poets have used these, and they can be really effective. I was just wondering if the use of those was deliberate, or whether you just couldn't find another rhyme that would fit in with your poem. I commend you for putting the plot over rhymes.

~Amy

Hmmm, I tried originally to add breaks to make stanzas. I'm new here, so, it might just be something I don't know, but it seems no matter how many lines I place between the stanzas they disappear when I post.

I've edited my first draft with great thanks to your suggestions. I'm not trying to be rude, but I find it ironic that in the same paragraph you declare that my use of cocoons twice is annoying you begin three sentences with the word also.

Anyway, I appreciate your opinion.

Well just reading the rhyme it goes aabbccddeefffgghhii.
May I ask why there are 3 F's in the middle? Is that part of some style or whatever?(Forgive the unprofessionalism but I do not want to give off a false appearance. Ha.)
And speaking of your rhyme. It was pretty nice, it almost felt forced but I had to question it, a few times. Very nice job. =]

Now off of that.Sorry none of this will be in any order... So be prepared to jump around.
Your first line has some big words and you don't keep them consistent with the rest of the poem.. That's rather annoying.
I'd like to know what changes have happened that are troubling you so much in the 7Th line. Also Cocoon gets a little redundant since its mentioned again 2 lines later. Also I think you mean butterflies not buttefly, in line 16. Also it would be an easier read if it were put into some stanzas. Also you repeat butterfly stains... Not that great to do.
Last line alone this pain i go through. This sounds a bit awkward.. And weird. You might want to reword it.

A lot of this I didn't really like since it didn't move too much. Keep writing though... I guess... I sort of have to throw that in... Well would you stop if I didn't? *wonders what the point of me saying keep writing?* Sorry for rambling!!!

I appreciate your suggestions and will be taking them into consideration! This society is so inspiring. I'm already brewing up new ideas and improvements. Thanks so much!

Hi,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

Your imagery is beautiful. I really loved;
"Listening to my insides fight
A cacoon that slowly collapses
Leaving me little butterfly corpses
I stare silently at the remains
Covered in butterfly shapped stains".

I think this flows really well as a whole.

I'd add full-stops. What I do is I read my poem aloud and put full-stops where a thought ends and I need to take a breath.

If you click "edit" over your poem, there's a button saying "check spelling" and that will catch any typos.

I think it might be interesting in the next draft to not make any direct mention of emotion and instead to focus on describing the butterflies and caterpillars and cocoons in detail, and using the way the speaker sees them to suggest her/his state of mind without telling the reader what it is.

Hope this helps. If you ever need a poem reviewed, please feel free to P.M me. I hope to read more of you.

Jas