Published September 30, 2010
My mouth falls open, and nacho-dust sprinkles into the canyons below me. My hand reaches into the bag again, and I shove another handful of Doritos in my mouth.
I swallow, and this hand automatically reaches for another, another, and another.
I scrape the inside of the bag. Orange dust collects on my fingers and I wipe it in my jeans.
Half a bag of Doritos = 220 calories.
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The rest of the Doritos disappear when I’m not paying attention; I ate an entire bag of Doritos (400 calories) by myself.
What a failure. The angry-Emily voice in the back of my head screams at me, she stomps her foot and jumps up and down.
I shouldn’t have eaten one of the cheesy Doritos, much less the whole bag.
My stomach gurgles and something clicks in my head. What else had I eaten today?
A bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast (only 4 cups) = 464 calories.
A mushy apple = 127 calories.
A plate of spaghetti for lunch = 500 calories.
Supper; a leafy salad, with Ranch dressing = 220 calories.
Daily calorie-ingestion: 1, 311 calories = horror.
I pinch the skin that flops over my waistband. I wince and yank my suddenly-heated hand away.
No more Doritos for Emily.
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140,828 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey RedRaven here to review !,
Okay so I have been following your story & the last couple of chapters have been somewhat of a disappointment. They seem so scattered, especially this. It could be that it all ties up at some point, but right now your characters seem flat and unrealistic at points, Emily is a complete disaster (even though i get that that's like your point) , even for what your trying to portray, and so far throughout the story there hasn't been much of a developement. Even though all these things are true , I still enjoy your style. The things your trying to write about at really difficult topics, but I think you'll get them down pact once you start editing. One more thing, the chapters are to short. Most of the time I finish with one of your chapters and I'm like "NOOO,I want to read more! " ... Seriously it's torture. Overall your doing a good job you just have to tone it down, stop jumping all over the place. You have to make things connect.
*Hope I wasn't to harsh -Imaginemymind, Please feel free to PM for anything, & inform me when the next chapter is up (:
I'm gonna go ahead and guess that Emily gets some sort of eating disorder. Why?
She should have a lot to deal with, with her mothers death and her depression.
I'd suggest to slow down and tackle one issue at a time. YOu're trying to pack way to much in, and that can take some great, and make it bad.
And, If I haven't suggested it, please do a Mary-Sue test. It can actually be super helpful. (http://www.ponylandpress.com/ms-test.html)
~WickedWonder