Published September 28, 2010
The steps creak as I slither down them. The exorcist Dad is standing in the kitchen, reading a stack of papers, probably something from his million-hour-a-week job.
I tiptoe into the kitchen, so I don’t interrupt him. He scans the page in his hand, I’m invisible to him.
I score on point because he hasn’t freaked [yet].
“Why, hello, Emily.” He looks up from his page. “I didn’t notice you.”
Of course you didn’t notice me, you never do. “What are you doing?”
“Just some stuff for work…” He frowns at the papers.
“Well, um, I’ll just get a snack and go do my homework.” I start towards the fridge, but his hand shoots out and grabs my arm. The paper flutters to the floor.
“Wait, we need to talk, Emily.” He says. “It’s important.”
He’s still calm, that’s a good sign. Maybe it won’t be bad…
He inhales. “I have quite a few things to say, so please, I’d like your undivided attention.”
I stare at the patterns in the floor tile. My mind spins.
“Emily?” His voice is distant.
He steps closer to me, so there’s little space between us. The creases in his forehead are prominent, and his black hair has more grey speckles than I realized.
“Yeah, I’m right here.” I reply, tucking a lock of blond hair behind my ear.
“Oh good,” he murmurs. “Listen, I have to talk to you. Please pay attention, because I won’t be repeating it.”
I stare at him, waiting like a child who’s expecting a handful of candy.
He clears his throat. “I know it’s been tough on you… losing your mom… but, I really think you should be a bit more…” He struggles to find a word. “Social.”
“I’m working on it.” I mutter, avoiding his eyes.
“No you aren’t. You’re not working on anything – school, your friends, home responsibilities; it’s all going down the drain!” He says.
A bubble of laughter rises in my throat. “Like you’d notice.” The poison in my voice even shocks me.
“I have been.” He replies.
“No, you haven’t been! You’ve been throwing yourself into your work, distracting yourself.”
He frowns. “Well, maybe that’s just of my way of coping.”
I grit my teeth. “No, it’s not. If you were grieving, you wouldn’t have gone into that chat room. If you were grieving, you’d care for me more.”
“Who says I don’t care about you?” He hisses.
“Well… studies show…” I murmur. “You know what, never mind. I’m done.”
“Emily…”
I turn on my heels, and bound out of the room, before the tears come.
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I’m still sitting in silence.
He hasn’t knocked on my door, not yet.
I don’t want him to, because he’ll only criticize me, and mom,
a]nd outline all my bad, bad, bad faults.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,828 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello,
I haven't read the previous chapters, but I liked this just as well. You did a good job showing each of their feelings and emotions.
Why is this crossed out? I think it would be better if it were like "The exorcist- I mean Dad, is standing in the kitchen,"
Use a hyphen or something, not a slash-out. It's just too confusing otherwise.
Two things here. First of all, you missed the E in "one".
And secondly, the same thing as above with the [yet]. It's confusing, because the reader has to pull out of the story to think of what it means. If you're going to use brackets, use the curved ones. (I'm pretty sure the [square-ish] ones are not for stories.)
I like these two descriptions! Where his hands "shoots" out and where she tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. Things like that make the story fun to read.
Alright, that's about it. Good job with this, keep going with it.
Sincerely,
~Crazy
You have a very interesting writing style. You put a lot of dialogue in, but never enough description. Try slowing down a lot, because you're moving awfully fast, and adding little descriptions as you write. What does Emily or her Father look like. What does the kitchen look like?
Little things like that
Write On
~WickedWonder