Published June 29, 2010
Mona and I are sitting in the common room. She smiles weakly at me. I keep a straight face.
“Isabelle…” She murmurs, frowning.
“Look… Mona, it is okay. I can understand if something like that… happens…”
“Oh, okay. I’m happy that you understand,” She reply.
“My life was hell before I got here. Like, it was ridiculous!” She exclaims, rolling her eyes.
“Suicidal bad or…?”
“Not exactly,” She says, “Just… not great.”
“Sorry about all this… I’ll see you…” I spring from the bed and hurry out of the room.
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As I was walking back to my room, Miss Keats cornered me. She guided me to her office, saying I looked “distraught”.
I sighed heavily and rolled my eyes as I sat down. She creepily smiled at me as she settled into her leather chair.
“What?” I snapped.
“I heard from one of the girls on your floor that… she saw you and Mona… together in your room.” She doesn’t beat around the bush.
Someone saw Mona and I in my room… kissing. Damn.
“And well… I know that she is bisexual… so I understand if it happens again. I’d just like you to be aware.”
“Okay, fine. Can I go now?” I asked.
“Yes, of course,” She replied, sweetly.
I sighed and bolted from the room.
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Walking through my room door, I notice that Mona is lounging on my bed. I give her a quizzical look and she sits up.
“Um… hey,” I sit on the plastic chair in the corner of my room.
“I just wanted to see you…” She confesses, her voice shaking.
Mona looks gorgeous. She’s wearing a silky red dress, and her blond hair falls down her back in waves.
I inhale shallowly as she comes towards me. She presses her soft hand into mine and pecks me on the cheek.
Curiously, I lightly press my lips to hers. She tastes like strawberry lip gloss and her lips are soft.
I pull away. Her eyes sparkle. I give her a tiny smile and she cradles my face in her hands.
She forcefully presses her lips to mine. I inhale her strawberry scent as she pushes my lips open.
I pull away again and she blushes.
“Sorry…” She mumbles.
“It’s… okay. That was… nice…” I realize.
My heart squeezes around my windpipe. I think I like girls…
Great, I think. I have an eating disorder and I’m might be a lesbian.
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140,828 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Thanks for the critique
Most of my story is in present tense.
I put that passage in past tense to show that it was something she DID not something she's DOING. It's sort of like a flashback.
Hi, RedRaven. I'm Freak.
So I like this whole story line...er, plot. It's so different and inexpressibly interesting.
That first part was a little confusing, I don't know if there was part before it or something, and the title doesn't help.
But on to Nitpicks:
Is this past tense?
And here response seems a little quick; like she got over it as soon as her friend said it was OK. Usually that's not the case though...So make it a more realistic response.
Past tense for, "Exclaims?" And who is talking here? Because in the sentence before "She" said something too, but which person is talking?
Tenses again. I seriously don't know if it's past tense or what because in the other passages you're using past and here it's present.
*Good job, though. Keep writing. PM me for any help or questions, plus I'd really like to see where this is goin'.
~CreativeFreak,
'Cause I'm cool like that (not).