Published May 15, 2010
Chapter 1: February 6th
I’ve never kept a diary before. The only reason I’m doing it now is because my annoying therapist is making me keep one. She says it’ll help me. I don’t know where she got that from. One of those dumb psychology books, maybe.
I’m writing this from my room at Paring Springs Mental Health Facility. That’s right, a house for crazies.
I was shipped here last week by my suddenly concerned parents. They’ve never cared about me before, so why should they now?
Just because I open my skin doesn’t give them reason to ship me off to a mental house. Well, maybe it does. I don’t know.
My psychologist wants me to write in this stupid wire-bound notebook whenever she orders me to I feel like I need to.
Ugh. Someone’s coming down the hallway. It’s probably time for my daily crazy candies. Oh joy.
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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright....well, this is interesting. I don't know if I've seen this particular situation before, there are a lot of diary based stories about there, but this one does feel like a bit of a unique twist from the standard story that you tend to usually run into, or at least I haven't run into quite something like it before and it really manages to catch my attention here.
The fact that this is a diary entry being written by someone who clearly doesn't want to be writing a diary entry really makes it even more interesting too because in that sense this being so short and a little compressed makes perfect sense and you manage to really get this feeling across I think with the choice of tone here.
It creates a very interesting premise that we seem to be building on here, and I think that does a neat job of pulling us in as a reader. The only real nitpick that I'd have for this piece is that you can perhaps add a couple more entries for this first chapter or do away with the chapters entirely and go by entries because it doesn't quite seem to work too well when labelled as a first chapter.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, i'm KitKat
More explanation!
This was really short and I didn't really get a feel for your character. I feel nothing for this character, at all.
Work on that. THis has potential.
Is this a prologue or something?
I really enjoyed this. I can't wait to see how the girl, (Or is this a guy?
~TheObserver~
Hey
This seems strangely familiar to me, lol. I think that you should write longer entries to keep the reader interested. While reading this, there were a few bits that seemed to hook me, but overall it was kind of boring. Don't worry, the same was said about my story, lol. You should tell us a little more about this character, not just the cliche stuff. Good luck with your story
~Jasmine Bells~
This seems interesting, but like the first review said, I'm not really itching for more.
I actually kind of wish you had posted more of this journal entry!
I'm going to read the other parts, but I feel like the first entry always needs an "it factor" that grabs the readers' attention. Figure out how to do that with these journal entries.
I do like that she has a sarcastic personality, it makes the character much more believable!
Good job,
Jane
Maybe instead of calling this section 'Chapter One' you could just leave the date only. Not all books have to have chapter, and this might help make yours unique
So I read this, and I like the plot of it. Because it seems like at a certain age a lot of girls go through a time when they think that they're depressed. I feel like you should go into detail more about what exactly got your character to the point she was at (depression)
I feel very compelled to write a review after reading this. This hits very close to home for me in two ways. Number one, I've been in the main character's shoes, and I mean that very literally. Number two, my novel "Dakota's Diary" is similar to you story here with "Diary of A Broken Girl". You can follow the link in my signature to see what I mean, and I think we may be help to help each other develop our stories. What you've started with these two chapters has a multitude of potential.
I do feel like you story is lacking in emotional depth. I understand your character may be numb, and in shock with finding herself in this situation. She's also probably putting on an "I don't care" mask to try and block out the emotions she's obviously having problems coping with. The point is you have to show the reader the emotions she's covering up or they'll loose interest.
People who suffer with self injury feel multiple conflicting and overwhelming emotions during the episodes that lead to the actual injury. I suggest you break up these "I'm numb and I don't care" entries with entries she writes during an episode. This will help the reader understand and relate to the character. If you need inspiration there are a million online forums for people who fight SI, you could also read up on personality disorders, I'd be glad to help you myself if you PM me.
I'd also suggest you beef this up with discriptions. If she's not willing to write about her feelings yet, she might write about what she sees. Are the walls a boring medicinal white, or is there ugly floral wall paper? What furniture is in her room? What do the make her wear? How's the food?
Of course you may already be planning to do some of these things in the next few chapters, I'm just full of ideas! I'd be glad to help you with this, and I'd love to hear what you think about "Dakota's Diary". If your interested in reviewing it there's a link in my signature.
Can't wait to see chapter three!
Carly
Hello,
I would suggest to expand the chapter maybe... it's just so short. Also I really want to encourage you to review other's work as well. They have worked hard on their work just as you and deserve some good reviewing, so have fun and keep writing.
It seems you have some very good reviews here
have a great day
Tiffany
Hi Red Raven there. I have been seeing you posting your novel Killer Mask here from some time. I wanted to review it but you have posted so many chapters that I felt doing this review instead. But here I am, ain't I?
This was funny and sarcastic!So while I was reading this, a question pondered to me," I have read something similar like this here before at YWS and that was not even a week ago." There was this one story written by Jasmine Bells about a suicidal girl, at a mental hospital, forced to maintain a diary just like in yours. The difference was that she posted diary entry for many days while you did for one.
I don't mean that you got the idea from her or she did from you, but the thing is that reading a similar story is very boring until its written amazingly and the informations are a bit different. Your writing can definitely draw in people in this case. You should in this case try to write brilliantly so that people fall for it.
Here's the link of story by Jasmine, in case you want to read it: Confessions of a pissed off teen on suicide watch
Then I want to say another thing: If you're posting a diary entry for a day and thne you want to show that the writer stopped halfway, then divide the diary entries into time slots like Meg Cabot did in Princess Diaries. That tells the reader the exact time and the condition she wrote in. For example:
First entry: February 6th, 2;30 PM
Second entry: February 7th, 3:40 PM
and so on...
Its not necessary every time but whenever the situation demands!
Nit-picks aside, this chapter had its moment though:
Good!
Overall, work on the points I said and this might come out to be a good one! Your grammar was nice.
PM me or drop in request at WRFF when you post more. Ask anything you want to, regarding the review.
~Shubhi
I have to agree with Kat. This is on the short side for a first chapter; expanding it would make it more interesting.
I really like the cynical-sarcastic thing you have going on, but the fact that she cuts herself isn't particularly unique. Maybe if you could have her do more to land herself in the mental hospital because most times, when kids cut themselves, their parents just put them on suicide-watch and/or make them take anti-depressants and/or see a psychiatrist. Unless her parents are just that terrible at parenting? I don't know. I'm just rambling here.
Anyways, I liked your writing style but I want more words!!
Keep writing!
Toodles!
~emerley.
Thanks for the critique!
I'll work on expanding her history and such as the novel progresses.
Hey RedRaven! I'm Kat, and I'll do a quick review, okay?
So, I read this and it interested me, though it felt quite... hum, the best way I have to describe it is 'meh'. As in, it didn't awake a desperate need to read more. And that's always what a writer's looking for, right? As advice to fix that, I would tell you that expanding this would be a very good idea. Make this chapter one longer, let us know more of her history, more of her herself. Right now, I don't really care that she's in a mental health facility, and that she cut herself.
The language is also a very vulgar one, one of a teenager. That gives us a clue about how old she is, and the fact about her parents also helps. I like the scratched part, gives this piece more of a realistic tone. I also liked her voice, and how she sounded so dull in all of this. I also think that a bit more of rebellion inside of her thoughts would do good her. Isn't she mad that her parents put her there? Does she want to get out, get better, move on? Anything? More inside view of how she feels would draw more the reader.
That's it! Good luck ^.^
- Kat