These are poems that I'm doing for a workshop class! I would love feedback on them!
Cookies
I walk in the kitchen and what do I see?
A chocolate chip cookie staring back at me.
It’s giant and round and smells oh so fine.
I’m sure that this cookie is meant to be mine.
I just want a crumb, just one little bit
A bite, that’s it, and then I promise I’ll quit.
I’ll leave it be. I just need a chunk
And hopefully then I’ll get out of this funk.
I’ll just take a little. No one will see.
Mm, that was fine. Oh no, where’s the cookie?
Us, We, You and Me
Us is We is You and Me.
Us is always You and Me.
Us is always We
And We is always Us You see.
You and Me,
Us and We.
Us and We is meant to be.
‘Cause You or Me
Doesn’t work, You see.
You or Me
Is separate.
It ruins the flow.
No more Me and You,
Only one or the other.
What is better is You and Me,
Us and We,
Can’t You see?
Us is never You or Me.
We is always meant to be
You and Me.
Always We.
The Animal Cracker Game
WARNING!!!
Do not eat
This marvelous treat
Unless you are willing
To have animal feet.
Or an animal nose.
I do suppose
An elephant’s trunk
Is best for a nose.
And you do not
Want what a hippo’s got.
Not foot or face.
I did. You do not.
A tiger’s okay
And so is his prey.
And a penguin is cute.
Take them any day
Over a monkey.
Take it from me.
A monkey is not
What they say it to be.
A kangaroo’s better,
An alligator’s wetter,
But both are preferred
To the attention-getter.
The best of them all
The cute furry ball
The koala, though slow
And very small.
Just take it from me
And don’t eat of the tree
Or the jar or the bag
Whichever it be
Without reading this thing
‘Cause no one can bring
You back from the act,
From the act of eating.
I’ve now tried my best
But if you feel pressed
To ignore my words
Go ahead, go and test.
Just know that as far
As I remember there are
No such things as
Person cracker jars.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I know a lot of people don't like rhyme but I loved the way you used rhyme so effectively in the first poem. it just made me smile and I loved it. What I loved the most about 'The Cookie' was the way that you've managed to take an ordinary object which we're all used to seeing and turn it into something interesting and extraordinary. Well done, it takes a lot of skill to be able to do that! Now onto the second poem.
I liked the way that you repeated the same words over and over again but changed the sentences. Whilst this did mess with my brain a little bit, I thought that it was incredibly effective, albeit slightly confusing.
I liked the poem about the animal cracker game but this bit needs a little tweaking:
'Or an animal nose.
I do suppose
An elephant’s trunk
Is best for a nose.'
I just think that it would sound better if you only used 'nose' once. It's up to you though and over than that, it was funny and interesting.
I love your poems and I really hope you write more poetry because you have so much talent
Review On Cookies, first.
I liked this one. It reminder d of something, the way it went. I just can't put my finger on it. This is an amazing poem that could describe anyone tempted by a cookie. I mean my dad would be like only a little piece and then half of them would be gone. I mean like literally. I smiled as this reminded me of him as I haven't seen him since July.
Review on Us, We, You, and Me, second.
I was conflicted on this porem. I liked it but was also confused on how you wrote it. I tried reading it to myself first but that didn't help so I restarted by reading it out loud. That helped some but I still wasn't able to grasp the concept of the poem. To me it feels like it is a woman in a relationship trying to say they bare perfect together instead of apart? Is this correct? I agree with the person of the first review. You do indeed leave us, the reader, in search of answers for all the questions that arose.
Review on The Animal Cracker Game, third.
Okay, this one was interesting ... To me and it is hard for me too find a poem that I find interesting. You have a sense of humor throughout the entire poem and that it something that will always help out. The one thing that I find really annoying (and I now know what people mean in my poems) is that your line breaks are weird. I mean it is disruptive to the flowmof the lines and ideas. I think I'll advise you on changing the lines into something more flowing. I did like the last part though.
Hope it all goes well for you in the class.
~Tulip.
Thanks! I hope it goes over well, too. And I'll consider changing it up some. It was originally in four lines for each stanza, but it would make this post a little long and a bit confusing (I wish that I could figure out how to put the lines closer together).
As for Us, we, etc. that was a funny little poem that I wrote, mainly for any kind of bond that people might think of. For me, it was sisterhood and friendship. It could be other things for other people, but it is a little confusing, I agree.
Again, thanks!
Review on Cookies:
This was a very nice and simple poem that made me want a cookie:p
I like how it kept a steady pace throughout which gave it a flowing rhythm. You did this by including a simple yet effective rhyming scheme that stayed all the way through it. I like how this poem is easy to reflect on as many people want to eat healthy and that but the temptations in modern Europe, America, Australia are increasing. You show what everyone thinks when they see the gooey chocolate cookie standing in front of them. Congrats on this poem.
Review on Us, We, You and Me:
I felt like this was a very confusing poem and I felt it was difficult to understand. I can kind of see what you're talking about but I still think it was not the best of them. However, the confusing aspect makes it interesting as you leave the reader thinking about it for ages, trying to grasp the pieces together to make sense:)
Review on The Animal Cracker Game:
I found this was quite funny as I can reflect on the adventures I would have when I was little with animal crackers. I like the fantasy twist to it as it warns you not to eat this treat or you could get something like animal feet! At the end you put 'there is no such thing as person cracker jars'. I find this gives a funny yet interesting end to the story as you tell us if our curiosity gets the better of us there will be no cracker to turn you back. In the tittle you use the word 'Game'. This is a very good way of telling the reader that this is a game and not the truth(maybe) and it makes the reader even more curious. A very good work, well done!
Well you did very well on these poems,
thats all from me,
Godly
Thanks!