Published September 29, 2006
The leathery wings hugged her body to keep the girl warm. Her naked shoulders showed the join between her back and her wings, tiny white scars covered the join making it look like a spider had stitched her wings on with a fine web.
Her skin was beyond pale; it was white as new paint and appeared never to have seen the sun. The truth was, it never had.
The girl looked in shock at the crowd gathering around her. The looked of pity and disgust meant nothing to her having only ever seen the faces of four people who all kept their faces expressionless.
The girl stood up from her crouched position on the pavement. She stood at nearly six and a half foot tall even though she had barely entered puberty.
She was naked from the waist upward and she only wore a pair of dirty white trousers that came to her knee. Her legs were covered in scratches and a thick coating of dust covered her bloody feet. She stretched her wings, seventeen feet of leather as black as night, filled the space around her. Gasps of shock and fear came from the audience.
The girl looked around, each person looked different, each wore different clothes, each had different hair some had no hair at all, each and every person was different, unique.
A sudden rush of fear his the girl, she didn’t know it was fear but her body was telling her to escape and she did.
She stretched her leathery wings and crouched low before taking a huge jump, that took her nearly eight foot in the air. She flapped her wings and rose a further ten foot. Slowly she got into a rhythm and climbed higher above the buildings. Having only ever flown in a warehouse she was unused the wind that circled the buildings around her. Her instinct told her to fly higher but as she did the winds became stronger.
The reduction in oxygen n the air didn’t bother her, her body worked anaerobically as a matter of course so she could fly for hours without any regular oxygen supply.
Eventually the wind got the better of her and she dropped from the sky like a stone. She was about fifty metres from the ground when she caught herself.
Below her was a woodland area, the trees offered a little protection so she sank into the branches gratefully. Surrounded by the thick leaves the girl felt warmer and slowly the fear she felt before sank away.
After a while she sank into a shallow sleep, sitting on a branch surrounded by everything she didn’t know.
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
I like this, and I agree with most of what Claudette said.
There was a sentence that could be rewritten:
You could say soemthing like this: Her skin was beyond pale; it was white as new paint, skin that had never seen the sun.
Something like that anyway, I think it makes is shorter and stronger. Also in the second sentence I think maybe the 'making it look' could be cut out.
I liked the mystery in this story and especially the spider similie.
I like this, and I agree with most of what Claudette said.
There was a sentence that could be rewritten:
You could say soemthing like this: Her skin was beyond pale; it was white as new paint, skin that had never seen the sun.
Something like that anyway, I think it makes is shorter and stronger. Also in the second sentence I think maybe the 'making it look' could be cut out.
I liked the mystery in this story and especially the spider similie.
If you make spaces between your paragraphs, things are easier to read—just A tip
Use a colon after 'wings' instead of a comma.This sentence feels clunky. I think "looked" should be "look" and other than that, I'm not sure what to change. I'll try to rewrite it so you get an idea of what I mean. "The look of pity and disgust meant nothing to her, considering the only faces she had seen were those without expression." This makes much more sense.
knees
I think you should use a different word than "covered" it just doesn't...fit. and, you should find some other word besides "leather" to use I also think. Leather is related with clothes and so I don't see wings of leather being right. and, "Filled the space around her." doesn't sound right also, I'm just not sure what to change it to.
shock and fear are too general, try to get more specific with your verbs.
Rewrite this, "The girl looked around; each person looked different, each wore different clothes, each had different hair and some had no hair at all. Each and every person was different; unique."
again, 'fear' is too vague. I also think saying "to escape and she did" is not needed, or at least the 'and she did' isn't because in the next paragraph you explain how she escapes so it would only be repetitive to say 'she did'.
feet.
remove 'ever' and say 'in a ware house, she was unaccustomed to the wind that....'
There are some things at the end I didn't mark, that could be fixed with a reread by yourself.
You do a lot of telling instead of showing, IMO and its distracting. Your sentences don't flow from one to another, which would make it even better if they did. the story is kind of vague; who is she? What is she? Does she have a name? Giving her a name would help the reader connect with her. What is she feeling, besides fear? Fear is too general, like I've said before, so try to come up with better words. Where did she come from and what is her past like?
You could make something really good with this, you just have to clean it up. One thing you might and to add, is a hook. Because as it stands now, the only hook is that we don't know who/what she is, and that's not a very strong hook...
Really nice though, I love angels
The description is good and I'd like to read more.
One thing: you might consider varying the sentences in the beginning. Sometimes too many sentences starting with "the" or "she" can be repetitive but other than that...
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O_O You stole my name!
But besides that, this was a pretty good piece. Some typoes that I would consider going through and finding.
I can't critique too much with such a small piece, but I hope you post more soon!