Hey there! I read your piece and enjoy it thoroughly! Here's a few notes I took which I feel could potentially help you out.
The one that doesn’t want the night end? That you want the night to continue on forever. That maybe one more minute would unlock something unexpected.
Alright, so for the first sentence in this I would add "to" between night and end. As for the other two sentences, it was a bit awkward from my experience to have asked a series of questions and then instantly changed to statements. I feel like these two could serve better as questions rather than statements.
That you could do whatever it was to freeze time where it was.
I would suggest to remove "where it was" in the end. It sounds a bit wordy and adds redundancy.
You let go of all the sadness, and the pain.
Ah, the first time I can make a suggestion for parallelism! In your previous sentence, you said "And you begin to let go of the past, to let go of all the hate," and this had parallelism because you said "let go of" when you referenced to the past and to all the hate. However, in the sentence I cited, you didn't. I would recommend on rewording it to say "You let go of all the sadness, and of all the pain". It adds a bit of consistency.
You breathe in deep in what feels like the first time in forever.
Alright, a bit of an overkill with the word "in". Perhaps instead of saying "deep in", say "deeply".
Until the time were you leave, knowing that no experience you had tonight could last till the next day.
You'll want to use "where" instead of "were" in this case. Aside from that, fantastic line!
That you find yourself in an embrace not wanting to leave, clinging to them. hoping for them to save you from the darkness that begins to surround you.
Just a minor note here, and that would be to capitalize "hoping".
As you hold on tight to what you think you have.
I feel this sentence would work better without "As".
That this is your last ray of hope that shines through the dark. and if this bond ever break you two will bring light into each others world once again. you will always be there for the force holding you together is no longer by the hands, but it is by your hearts.
Alright, a few notes here. Maybe instead of saying "that shines", perhaps saying "shining" instead? I would also recommend capitalizing "and" after the sentence. I would also reword "and if this bond ever break" to "and if this bond were to ever break". Also, "each others" needs an apostrophe after the s as it shows possession! I would also capitalize "you" and add a comma after "there". Lastly, I would omit "it" from "but it is by your hearts".
That even when you don’t physically see each other you know the other is there.
I'd add a comma between "other" and "you".
EVER. they will be there through the end just to show that they care.
A minor note - capitalize "they" after "EVER".
You don’t know where this will lead, but if I had to give any advice I would tell you to dive into life.
I would suggest a comma between "advice" and "I".
Alright, and that concludes my review! I'm really sorry if it seems harsh and criticizing. I just think it would be a disservice to see any errors and not voice them out loud. You gave a fantastic message and wrote it beautifully. I honestly had a good time reading this, and it caught my interest. I even learned a thing or two from it. I hope you'll take my advice under consideration and I really hope to see more from you!
Points: 1762
Reviews: 27
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