"Remembered"
When darkness falls
and cities crumble
When dust layers shroud
and mountains rumble
I'll remember
When oceans overcome
and empires shatter
When a lost one calls
and feels they don't matter
I'll remember
When my heart breaks for you
and your crafted demise
When all the world
inevitably dies
I'll remember
When the world is succumbed by night
and all that's left is despair
When only a voice in your heart
tells you of what was once there
I'll remember
I'll remember the majesty and power
the endless teeming dreams
all the sweeping fields of amber
and all that life can ream
I'll remember all the dashing lakes
and miracle skies
All the boundless stakes
set impossibly high
On the magic here.
All the world now shakes in a tremor
And as it all falls to pieces
You know
I'll remember
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked this alot. I like your style of writing i this. Very well written
I like this. Majestic, like writingluver said. Although I think the 'I remember's add a lot to the rhythm, and keep it from getting too sing-songy.
When my heart breaks for you
and your crafted demise
This is my favorite stanza.
When all the world
inevitably dies
This one I liked less; It's kind of a letdown next to your other lyrical images.
All the boundless stakes
set impossibly high
On the magic here.
I love this bit too.
I'd think about adding some punctuation if I were you, just to separate the ideas a bit. Especially since you have that one period, it looks like the whole first part of the poem is meant to be one sentence.
Overall, very nice job. You pulled the rhyming off very well.
Wow rebelle-I really liked this poem. It had a majestic quality to it that I didn't expect. Very nicely done! The only part that I have a problem with is in the first part when you say "I'll remember." It just seems to catch in the poem. Like the poem had a nice lyrical tone to it, and then it just jolts to a stop and says, "I'll remember." I really like the poem, but I would suggest finding a way to keep the wonderful lyrical quality you had. Great job though!
That was my favorite part.