Toshom groaned as the sunlight hit his eyelids. He winced and then blinked them open, as he looked around. He saw that they were still in the woods, in the same place where he’d fallen. He looked around at those gathered, everyone having rushed to his side as soon as the groan had escaped.
“How long have we been here?” His voice cracked and his parched lips burned. His ankle throbbed from the pain and his head felt like it had been crushed.
“A day and two nights.” Karash’s voice was much too loud in Toshom’s ears.
He winced again, fighting the wave of dizziness that washed over him. “Too long. We gotta move on.”
“You can’t walk.”
“Can’t any of you think for yourselves? You should’ve left me here.” Toshom’s voice sounded almost angry.
“You think I’d leave you behind like a coward when you risked your life for me?” Jermath asked, eyes seeking Toshom’s.
“You weren’t injured!” Toshom blinked back the pain of his outburst. “You could walk on your own. I can’t.”
“We won’t leave you. Besides that, Taishalika won’t leave your side.” Karash said.
That was when Toshom felt the weight on his chest; Taishalika’s head was resting on it as she slept. A weak smile touched Toshom’s lips.
“Okay. Then you need to build a stretcher.”
Karash nodded and started to look for something they could use. Jermath disappeared from Toshom’s view for a moment. When he returned, he held a bottle to Toshom’s lips. The water flowed in, cooling his burning throat.
“Thank you, Jermath.”
“You still have to teach me the ranks,” Jermath smirked.
“And assign you one.”
“These branches will work, but I can’t find anything to hold you,” Karash’s voice broke into the conversation.
“Put the supplies from my blanket into your bag. Use the blanket for the center,” Toshom commanded, a hint of annoyance in his voice.
Karash set about the task.
“Okay, first we’ll assign you your rank. You’ll need to memorize that code first.” Toshom paused as he watched the boy. “Jermath, you are a Healer.”
“Why Healer and what is the code?”
“The code is by His stripes. Why is something that God will reveal to you.”
“Finished.” Karash called.
“Well, bring it over here so I can get on it.”
When the stretcher was set next him, Toshom shifted so that he could see it. He looked over the work with critical eyes. Karash had used thin rope from his pack to tie the blanket on to the branches. The knots seemed strong, but the ultimate test would be when they picked it up with him on it.
“Wake up.” He whispered to Taishalika. The girl’s head popped up.
“Tossy!” She squealed, excitedly, throwing her arms around his neck.
“Ow… ow. Careful,” Toshom said with a laugh.
“You saved me!” Taishalika grinned up at him.
“I need you to go wake up Verren.” Toshom whispered. “He’s been asleep for too long and we need to go.”
“Okay.” Taishalika jumped up and raced to the hollow where her brother was sleeping.
While Taishalika was away, Toshom shifted onto the stretcher. He gritted his teeth against the pain as he moved. “Okay.” The word came out as a grunt. “Jermath and Karash, you will have to carry me.”
They nodded and took up positions at the ends of the stretcher. Toshom groaned and bit back scream as the pain in his ankle exploded once more. Gauze, an ace bandage and a metal brace had replaced the rough splint he had made.
“Where’d that come from?” He asked when he finally found his voice again.
“Oh, um, I had it in my pack.” Karash informed him.
“How’d you get such scarce materials?”
“My wife was a doctor.”
Toshom fell back in the stretcher, resting his head on the pack that had been placed there as a pillow. Taishalika’s hand came up to grip the side of the stretcher and Verren trailed slightly behind his father.
As they walked, it took all of Toshom’s effort not to cry out in pain. The ride was bumpy and he was almost flipped out of the makeshift stretcher multiple times. At some point Taishalika gripped his arm and refused to let go. Finally, Toshom grew tired of trying to stay in the stretcher while fighting the pain. He knew that they could not carry him in the case of an attack. They would have to leave him for dead.
“This isn’t working.” He announced, causing the stretcher to jerk once more, tipping ever so slightly, as Karash and Jermath stopped abruptly.
“What?” Karash queried.
“You guys can’t carry me in an attack. I’ve nearly fallen off too many times. This stretcher is causing more pain and making it harder to travel. The brace should support my weight for the most part. My ankle may not heal properly, but I can’t put you guys in danger because of my mistake.”
“You can’t walk on it.” Karash said firmly.
“I can try.”
“No. I mean… you can’t. You are physically incapable of walking on it. The trap you were caught in didn’t just graze the bone. It snapped it clear in half. I had to re-align the bone and snap it back into place. The gauze and ace bandage are wrapped tightly to keep the bones from coming apart again. If you walk on it, the bones will shift and give out. It cannot hold your weight. It cannot hold any weight. You are lucky that I didn’t have to amputate it.”
“I can’t burden you guys, though. If you are attacked there is no way you can carry me and still escape.”
“Then hope we aren’t attacked.” Jermath said.
“Okay... Okay. We have to do something… We have to think of something. Karash, is there anything that will speed the healing process? Antibiotics or medication of some sort.”
“Only God.” Karash smiled apologetically.
“Only?” Toshom shook his head. “It’s never ‘Only God.’ It is 'God can'. That’s perfect. Set me down.”
Jermath shot a questioning glance to Karash, but the two followed orders and Taishalika instantly wrapped her arms around his neck.
“Taishalika, my friend can you go down and help Jermath?”
“Okay.” The girl hopped down to his feet where Jermath was.
“Jermath, take my ankle in your hands.”
As Jermath did this Toshom’s attention turned to Taishalika. “Do you know how to pray?”
“Of course, silly.” The girl giggled. “I’ve been doing it all day.”
This brought a smile to Toshom’s face. “Good. Can you lay your hands over Jermath’s and say a prayer out loud?”
“Okay.”
She pressed her cool hands over Jermath’s. As she started to pray, Jermath joined in. Realizing what they were doing, Karash laid his hand to Jermath’s shoulder and entered his own prayer as well.
Toshom closed his eyes. His prayer, echoing through his mind, was not for himself and the healing of his ankle. It was for the safety of those he traveled with and the protection of his brother. He didn’t notice the absence of the pain until a collective gasp came from the group surrounding his foot. Karash had removed the brace, the gauze, and the ace bandage.
His eyes shot open and looked at his ankle. There was a scar where the trap had cut into his skin. He rotated his foot and wiggled his toes. The grin that lit his face said as much as the movement. “Thank you, God.” He breathed, his voice betraying the awe he felt.
“Wow.” Jermath was kneeling, his eyes never leaving Toshom’s ankle and
Karash was struck completely speechless.
Taishalika stood and walked to Toshom’s side once more. Her hand found his and she gave a childish smirk. “I knew He’d do it.”
“So did I,” Toshom whispered in her ear, as if it was supposed to be a secret.
She giggled and hugged his neck.
“Okay, we’ll rest here for an hour. I think we’ve reached the turning point.” Toshom spoke the order more gently than anything he had said all day.
“How can you be sure?” Jermath asked.
“I just know.”
With that, he looked to Karash. “You and Jermath have been working all day. Taishalika and I will take first watch.”
“You were only just healed. You’ll need to recover your strength.”
“God heals more than just wounds. Rest, Karash.”
The two nodded. Karash took Verren’s hand and led him to the underbrush. There was no hollow in this area to use. Therefore, Karash slid under some of the thick underbrush and pulled Verren with him. Jermath slid under a bush and curled into a ball. The three were asleep soon after.
Toshom jumped into a tree and pulled Taishalika up after him. They sat in silence as Toshom skimmed the area. It was safe. For now.
On the thick branch, Taishalika leaned against him. He knew the child would sleep; that was why he had chosen her. He wanted to be alone to think things out. They had stayed in one place too long, considering the rigged field was only a mile from where they had been. Yet Braeden had not discovered them. Why not? The traps had set off sensors, but maybe the explosion was meant to kill anyone who had been there. It had almost succeeded.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Reakeda.
The dialogue was one of the highlights of this. I liked how it was quite realistic and it worked well with the situation that was presented in this chapter. Also, nice work on keeping things moving.
I think you need more descriptions. It's quite hard for me to picture exactly as to what is happening. It is also the reason why the transition between one scene or idea feels random and a bit confusing to the reader.
You need to show more actions and add more of your comments to them. This will help reinforce the dialogue of the characters and strengthen their actions. It also allows us to distingush the characters in this chapter more clearly.
Toshoma, Karasha and Jermath are quite similar in a sense. Your dialogue did seperate them apart, but I really didn't feel that strongly for them. I think it's because you don't really have much for us to relate the characters to other than dialogue and some plot points.
The last part of the chapter wasn't as powerful as it should had been, because you didn't elaborate on the explosion much and it feels like it is just there, with nothing much to back it up.
Overall, it was ok. Good ideas, but I didn't find it that compelling or intruging, because you didn't link the ideas that well.