In The Midst of Chaos - Chapter 3

Silence had earned Markali another set of lashings. The smell of the blood covering his back and pooling on the cell floor around him was making him nauseous. The pain had numbed the nerves in his back, which made it all the more pronounced when the whip came down on him. In some places the whip had been brought down so many times that it had torn away the flesh, revealing the muscle beneath it. His breaths were shallow and labored.

“Give up yet? Who were you traveling with?”

Markali lay still as he clamped his eyes shut and mentally prepared for the next round.

“Denounce your God and give us the names and the location where you were headed and the whipping will stop. You’ll be fully accepted into the organization.”

Markali remained silent.

“This isn’t working, Dontel. Tamesis will not be pleased.”

“Get the girl.”

A spark flared in Markali’s eyes. The girl? What girl? Had they gotten Taishalika? Why would that bother him? Somehow, he knew it would, but he wasn’t prepared for the next sight.

“Mars?” the word was barely audible. The voice that spoke it was cracked and faltering. It sounded weak and confused. Markali looked up into her face.

“Rea.” Tears flooded his eyes. “What have they-” A kick to the back of his head stopped his sentence.

Reakeda’s arms were covered in scars. Her belly was round, obviously carrying a child. There were bruises on almost every visible piece of skin. She was pale. Aside from where her stomach protruded, her skin seemed to cling to her bones. Her eyes were sunken in and her lip was swollen and bloody. Her foot was at an odd angle, as if it had been broken and healed wrong. Blood and dirt stained the scraps of cloth that were once clothes. Her once thick and luscious hair was now thin and scraggly. The one thing that identified her as Reakeda was her eyes. They were the same green as Markali’s with the dark violet flecks, but they had lost the defiant spark that Markali’s still held.

The man, Dontel, held a knife to her throat. “Ah, so we know each other. That’s good. Very good. Now maybe you’ll be more inclined to help.”

“Never.” The word rang through the cell as Markali spoke it.

“Then so be it. You’ve sentenced this girl to death.”

“I’ve sentenced her to life. Tell Jesus hi for me, Rea, and that I’m sorry.”

“Touching, really.” Dontel’s voice was cold. It dripped with sarcasm and mockery. “But she won’t be seeing a god that doesn’t exist.”

“I’ll see you in the promised land, Rea.” Markali’s words sounded final.

The movements were fast and sudden. Markali’s arm flew out and knocked the man’s blade away from Reakeda’s neck. At the same time, he flung himself forward, landing on Dontel and pushing him to the ground. He grabbed the knife, which had slipped from Dontel’s hand with the fall. He knew it was his own knife. He shoved it into the man’s throat without a second thought. The man that had been sent to fetch Reakeda jumped towards Markali, but he was too slow. Markali stepped aside, leaving the man to soar right into the wall behind him.

Markali wasted no time. He took Reakeda’s arm and started towards the door of his cell. It was still open from the entry of the guards. He pulled Reakeda with him as he started down the corridor. He heard the yell of a guard behind him and started to run. He ducked into a stairwell and started up to the next level. The ground level. There were bars on the windows around him, which only proved to annoy him. Finally, he spotted a door, but three guards blocked it. This time the element of surprise was not with him.

“Get us out of here, God.” Markali mumbled as he continued forward, despite the commands for him to stop. Then he saw their guns. There were no hallways to duck into now. It was just them and the guards. His breath caught in his throat as the center guard raised his gun to take aim. Markali didn’t stop. He pushed Reakeda behind him to shield her. Then the crack of the gun going off reverberated through the entire corridor.

Markali was sure that the bullet would kill him, but he never felt it enter his body. It ricocheted off the wall and planted itself in the floor at his feet.

‘What?’ Markali thought. The man had perfect aim. It was a clear shot and no one had bumped him. How had he missed? A man used to handling a gun wouldn’t have been that affected by the kick of the weapon.

Markali didn’t have much time to think about this as the next shot went off, filling his ears with the loud crack and leaving them ringing even more. This bullet was headed straight for Markali’s head, but an inch away from him it ricocheted upwards and dug into the ceiling as if a shield were there, blocking it from him.

“Thank you, God!” Markali whooped.

Pulling Reakeda with him, he pushed his way past the guards and out of the building. The fresh air and sunlight that greeted him felt good on his skin. He took a deep breath and then coughed. He took in another breath of the fresh air, but did not stay any longer. He could savor the freedom when they were actually free. He looked back at the building that had served as his prison for the last two days. It was dark and foreboding. He was glad to be heading in the opposite direction. He was surprised to find that there were no gates or walls. Only guards with guns that couldn’t touch him. He ran towards the woods that he had been caught near. North. They had been heading north.

About an hour later, they came to a stream. The guards had been too dumbstruck to chase them. Markali stopped. He looked back at Reakeda.

“I thought you were dead.”

“I don’t know why they kept me alive. Everyone else that has been caught was tortured until they gave in and denounced God or killed immediately. Four-year-old children, Mars, were brought in and tortured to death. This one little girl was raped and then made to watch as her mother was raped. Then her mother was made to watch as they cut her open, alive. They kept that child alive as long as possible. She cried to her mother until she was too weak to do anything but whimper and die.” Reakeda winced. “I’m sorry, that was too much detail.”

“I’m not seven anymore. I can handle the details. I’ve seen similar things since you were taken. You were probably kept alive to carry their leader’s child.”

“I miscarried three times, but they insisted that one would live. This one is due in one month.”

“They want you to carry a child, yet they beat you, rape you and fail to feed you. They are stupid. I’m surprised the one you carry now wasn’t miscarried.”

“Enough about that. How were you caught? Where’s Toshom?”

“One of his brilliant plans. I didn’t run fast enough.”

“I see the lie in your eyes.”

“Okay, so I could’ve made it. Toshom invited this family to travel with us. Among them was a boy. When Toshom’s brilliant plan went into action I was the first to get away, but the boy was spotted when he started running. They were going to catch him. I’d promised not to let him get hurt. So, I ran between the boy and the guards chasing him. He never even knew he had been trailed. He escaped, but I couldn’t fight them off and get away. We were headed north, but Toshom’s idea was to go to Torem.”

“Then… he’s safe?”

“We can hope.” Markali’s words didn’t sound very hopeful. His eyes lingered on his sister. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“How did you two survive all this time?”

“For the first two years we found a safe haven, but it was destroyed. From there… by the skin of our teeth. We should keep moving. If they’ve recovered then a guard will be searching for us.”

“Yeah… you’re right.” Reakeda smiled.

Markali took her hand and guided her to the stream. “We’ll follow it north. Three days should put us at the turn off. Then we’ll travel east.”

Reakeda nodded and they started off. The stream soaked through Markali’s boots and he removed them. Tying the laces together, Markali set the boots over his shoulders and around the back of his neck. They stumbled through the night and well into the morning before Markali decided it was time to rest.

“I don’t have any food, but you’ll need sleep.” He explained as he cut a few pine boughs from the trees and placed them into a hollow. When he finished Reakeda lay in the hollow and fell asleep within seconds. Markali placed a few more pine boughs over top of Reakeda to hide her. Then he jumped into a tree and stood guard over her.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
Squall
Review
Squall wrote a review · Thu Dec 06, 2007 7:07 am

This was pretty good. The plot and the descriptions were pretty well written, but I have some suggestions.

Try incoporating what is happening with the characters themselves. It will add suspense and realism to the characters as well as a reason as to why we should care for them. You did do that, but barely. Basically it followed this format:

(Insert pronoun) was (insert emotion here).


Try thinking up of a better way to word how they felt. Even better, develop their emotions more and try to bring out the greater picture. Incoporating explainations can help you achieve that but do make sure that it is worded consistantly with the rest of the piece.

Hrmm, maybe the descriptions could be a bit more lively. It just feels kinda black and whiteish at the moment, even though it is well written. That's just me though.

Andy

User avatar
Fye
Review
Fye wrote a review · Fri Nov 30, 2007 7:27 am

Reakeda wrote:The smell of the blood covering his back and pooling on the cell floor around him was making him nauseous. The pain had numbed the nerves in his back, etc.

"His back" sounds repetitive here in both sentences.

Reakeda wrote:“Given up yet?


Reakeda wrote:“Denounce your God and give us the names and the location where you were headed and the whipping will stop.

Too much of the word "and". Maybe you can do, "...where you were headed. Only then will the whipping stop." or something similar.

Reakeda wrote:“This isn’t working, Dontel. Tamesis will not be pleased.”

Oooh, who's Tamesis? :D

Reakeda wrote:“Get the girl.”

A spark flared in Markali’s eyes. The girl? What girl? Had they gotten Taishalika? Why would that bother him? Somehow, he knew it would, but he wasn’t prepared for the next sight.

“Mars?” the word was barely audible. The voice that spoke it was cracked and faltering. It sounded weak and confused. Markali looked up into her face.

“Rea.” Tears flooded his eyes.

Wonderful. 8) But so far in the future, Rea's not really a girl anymore, is she?

Reakeda wrote:Reakeda’s arms were covered with scars.


Reakeda wrote:Her eyes were sunken in and her lip was swollen and bloody. Her foot was at an odd angle, as if it had been broken and healed wrong.

Isn't it her lips and not lip? And probably you should say which foot. It would sound better. :)

Reakeda wrote:“I’ve sentenced her to life. Tell Jesus hi for me, Rea, and that I’m sorry.”

He sounds sarcastic. I can't really feel his passion for God.

Reakeda wrote:He shoved it into the man’s throat without a second thought.

Stabbing a person in the throat is a little off, don't you think?

Reakeda wrote:Markali wasted no time. He took Reakeda’s arm and started towards the door of his cell. It was still open from the entry of the guards. He pulled Reakeda with him as he started down the corridor. He heard the yell of a guard behind him and started to run. He ducked into a stairwell and started up to the next level. The ground level. There were bars on the windows around him, which only proved to annoy him. Finally, he spotted a door, but three guards blocked it. This time the element of surprise was not with him.

This paragraph was rather flat. You started most of your sentences with "he" and that makes it rather bland. Add some variations. Improvise more here.

Reakeda wrote:His breath got caught in his throat as the center guard raised his gun to take aim.


Reakeda wrote:He ran towards the woods that he had been caught near. North. They had been heading north.

Wha? Did you mean "He ran towards the woods; near where he had been caught"? This sentence also doesn't seem to flow well to the following one-word sentence.

Reakeda wrote:Everyone else that has been caught was tortured until they gave in and denounced God or killed immediately.

Kinda confusing. You can rearrange the words here.

Reakeda wrote:You were probably kept alive to carry their leader’s child.”

I'm just wondering...how does Mars assume that? Why does he think so? Unless you have a purpose of keeping that a secret for now, you should probably add detail on that.

Reakeda wrote:“I see the lie in your eyes.”

This dialogue sounds a bit too sophisticated for a casual conversation.

Other than that, most of your dialogues should have a comma at the end. E.g:
Reakeda wrote:“I don’t have any food, but you’ll need sleep,he explained as he cut a few pine boughs etc.


Like seraph somewhat said, Mars seems sarcastic at times with the dialogues thanking God and the like. And it's also a wonder why Rea didn't get hurt. Did they purposely not kill her? Was her baby valuable?

I like your story and how it's going. Sorry I didn't comment on the previous chapters! I didn't keep check.

Hope I've been helpful! Fye.

User avatar
SeraphTree
Review

Okay, I'm back........ sorry about that X(

Silence had earned Markali another set of lashings. The smell of the blood covering his back and pooling on the cell floor around him was making him nauseous. The pain had numbed the nerves in his back, which made it all the more pronounced when the whip came down on him. In some places the whip had been brought down so many times that it had torn away the flesh, revealing the muscle beneath it. His breaths were shallow and labored.

I think you can make this description a little more personal. What do the lashes feel like? Is he past feeling? What does nasea feel like to him? Does the sound of his blood spattering the ground make him sick??

“Give up yet? Who were you traveling with?”

Markali lay still as he clamped his eyes shut and mentally prepared for the next round.

“Denounce your God and give us the names and the location where you were headed and the whipping will stop. You’ll be fully accepted into the organization


Interesting, but it seems kind of choppy, and a little pointless. Why do they want him to denounce his belief in God? Is it one of those '2+2=5 if necisssary' sort of situations?

“Then so be it. You’ve sentenced this girl to death.”

“I’ve sentenced her to life. Tell Jesus hi for me, Rea, and that I’m sorry.”

“Touching, really.” Dontel’s voice was cold. It dripped with sarcasm and mockery. “But she won’t be seeing a god that doesn’t exist.”

“I’ll see you in the promised land, Rea.” Markali’s words sounded final.


This sounds very cold and detatched, and it doesn't really tie into the next part. Try to personalize it more. We need thought bubbles.

“Get us out of here, God.” Markali mumbled as he continued forward, despite the commands for him to stop. Then he saw their guns. There were no hallways to duck into now. It was just them and the guards. His breath caught in his throat as the center guard raised his gun to take aim. Markali didn’t stop. He pushed Reakeda behind him to shield her. Then the crack of the gun going off reverberated through the entire corridor.

The dialogue sounds strange. Personally, I would never address the Almighty in such a manner, but that's just me. :D The last sentence also sounds weird. I suggest you take out the 'then.'

Markali didn’t have much time to think about this as the next shot went off, filling his ears with the loud crack and leaving them ringing even more. This bullet was headed straight for Markali’s head, but an inch away from him it ricocheted upwards and dug into the ceiling as if a shield were there, blocking it from him.

“Thank you, God!” Markali whooped.


This is a little too much. The whole "God is a machine" or whatever it was called. A little too fantastical sounding.
Yes, I have read this in religious text, but Markali's attitude towards it still sounds off. I mean, when you look at Moses parting the sea, or Elijah calling down the fire, they are both very humble. I mean, wouldn't you be humble if God saved you like that?
I suggest you change what he says, because that is also antagonizing his enemies, when he and Rea are trying to .... run away. :roll: Maybe a silent plea for help, or a remembered scripture or something :D:D:D:D

Pulling Reakeda with him, he pushed his way past the guards and out of the building. The fresh air and sunlight that greeted him felt good on his skin. He took a deep breath and then coughed. He took in another breath of the fresh air, but did not stay any longer. He could savor the freedom when they were actually free. He looked back at the building that had served as his prison for the last two days. It was dark and foreboding. He was glad to be heading in the opposite direction. He was surprised to find that there were no gates or walls. Only guards with guns that couldn’t touch him. He ran towards the woods that he had been caught near. North. They had been heading north.

This sounds a little choppy. I suggest you cut out the part about being in prison. Again with the bullets... they can't touch him, but can they touch HER?

“I don’t know why they kept me alive. Everyone else that has been caught was tortured until they gave in and denounced God or killed immediately. Four-year-old children, Mars, were brought in and tortured to death. This one little girl was raped and then made to watch as her mother was raped. Then her mother was made to watch as they cut her open, alive. They kept that child alive as long as possible. She cried to her mother until she was too weak to do anything but whimper and die.” Reakeda winced. “I’m sorry, that was too much detail.”

This part is confusing. Who's child? The girls?

“I miscarried three times, but they insisted that one would live. This one is due in one month.”


Nice detail, but if she is so undernourished, how can she support the child inside of her without dying?

Cute ending. I really liked it. Again, I don't see the point of the people having Mars denounce God. Basically it got them out safely, but that was it. There was no mention of God otherwise. It sounds like "Thanks, got to go!" to me. That's all I have to say :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

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SeraphTree
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I'll crit when I come back :D:D:D:D



Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl