Go
In memory of Isaac Wise
It seems so long,
But feels so close.
What happened?
Why'd you go?
I miss you alot
As I remember
That moment
Why'd you go?
You were only 18
Brand new license
Clean new car
Why'd you go?
"He died last night
In a head on collision"
The words echo
Why'd you go?
I can't shake away
The shock still today
What happened?
Why'd you go?
I remember the makeup,
Hiding the scars.
You in that casket
Why'd you go?
I miss you so much
Still feeling the hugs,
Bear hugs like only you gave
Why'd you go?
Tears slide down
Though you're home
I still miss you
Why'd you go?
It was too soon,
But if He called me
I would've gone too
Why'd you go?
Oh man, how I miss you
But, you just had to go
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Critique for you :
Go
In memory of Isaac Wise
It seems so long,
But feels so close.
What happened?
Why'd you go?
I miss you alot <--------A lot is two words!
As I remember
That moment
Why'd you go?
You were only 18
Brand new license
Clean new car
Why'd you go?
"He died last night
In a head on collision" <-------I think it should be "'He died last night, In a head-on collision.'"
The words echo
Why'd you go?
I can't shake away
The shock still today
What happened?
Why'd you go?
I remember the makeup,
Hiding the scars. <--------I'd change this line to 'The hidden scars.'
You in that casket
Why'd you go?
I miss you so much
Still feeling the hugs,
Bear hugs like only you gave
Why'd you go?
Tears slide down
Though you're home
I still miss you
Why'd you go?
It was too soon,
But if He called me
I would've gone too
Why'd you go?
Oh man, how I miss you
But, you just had to go <---------------Yea, these last two lines just don't fit. I'd change them.
All in all, very good (and depressing) poem. As everyone else has said, 'Why'd you go?' is getting a bit too repetitive, don't you think? Just suggestions...
Alrighty, Rea. Let's see what you have presented with us. *reads*
"He died last night in a head-on collision" the words echo
Should that look like this?
"He died last night in a head-on collision," the words echoed.
Or some sort of punctuation. ^_^ What ever fits that sentence: I can't shake away the shock still today what happened? Grammatically incorrect. We're not exactly sure what you're trying to say.
Replace the period with a comma then end it with a period. ^_^
Replace that comma with a double dash. (--)
You're either trying to say (which means edit):
Tears slide down, though you're home. I still miss you.
Tears slide down. Though you're home, I still miss you.
Tears slide down--though you're home, I still miss you.
Any of those and more options. You best fix that. ^_^
Beautiful verse. ^_^
Delete the comma in the last line.
Very good job. ^_^ It was obviously very sad. You gave the message quite well. Contrary to the others' thoughts, I think the repetition of "Why'd you go?" was very effective.
One thing to remember is that punctuation is essential to poetry. Though I can never write any myself, I do know that much.
Otherwise, very good job. Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
I agree with BBB and Swirl Antara; you should use 'Why'd you go' less and change the last two phrases.
This is very sad--but I like it too.
Anyways,
Keep writing!
.:Ayra:.
P•S•- Cool avatar!
I really like this poem and it is obviously very sad.
however, the line 'why'd you go' gets very repetitive. I would put it in less. I realize that repetition is a literary technique, but too much can be bad. If you really want to leave it in I would still change it to 'why did you go'
I would also change 'I miss you alot' to 'I miss you so muc' or something similar. alot isnt a very poetic word.
good poem!!
Oh...man, that is really sad. True, but sad. So, I am guessing that this Isaac Wise is a friend of yours?
Well, I really liked it, but the last stanza,
"Oh man, how I miss you
But, you just had to go"
that really messed up the flow. I would totally reword it or something, but I would throw it away. Sorry! Other than that, this is REALLY good. believe me.
BBB