Published December 29, 2009
I am just starting to write poetry. What do you guys think?
The Beach Man Blues
On an off tilt stroll, through the cumbersome court,
Lay the sand of an unwanted shore.
While the settler sits, in a withering fort.
Winces the strength of melancholy bore .
The cello forces with dignity;
While the normal plays nice to the sax.
And the man just sits with lucidity,
With humanity slipping through cracks.
The rifleman glare, at the settlers tomb,
An umbrella just standing tall.
But he just sits alone, awaiting for boom
As the snipers continue to stall
His one man army, enjoying the sun
On a gleeful winter brought day
Awaiting the marksman, carrying shun
Of an ill struck overdue stay
Now settler’s tears, crowning full face
With the tundra of wave behind
The preachers along, trying to save grace
While the misfortune begins to resign
When he sits within, the fragile chair
The bricks break down to dust
A Corona in hand, not a single care
Just a handful of sand to thrust
Darkens the craze, of societies grief
Towards the settler just sitting on sand
Because he relaxes, with no sign of leaf
And snow capping the surface of land
The winter will soon bring new life
But will end the settler’s stay
He flees in the face of conformity
Until a snow struck, winter blown day
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I thought it a lovely poem. Your ryhming didn't feel forced and the overall idea was cohesive. You did have some great lines, and I actually liked the line about the sand.
Two things:
1.) If it is the middle of winter, shouldn't it be cold? You never mention the temperature. Usually in ocean-side town's there is always a cold wind blowing off from the sea. There wasn't such a wind here. It bugged me.
2.) What time period is this set in? You say settler, and I automatically think of the 1600 or 1700's. But then you threw me for a loop with the Corona. Obviously, American settlers weren't drinking Coronas, so this really confused me. The only reason why I point this out, is because it distracted me from the rest of the poem. Maybe you could clarify?
Good job!
I think you did a fantastic job. It has beautiful imagery with meaning, great rhythm and rhymes that don't feel like they struggled or deterred from the subject matter or botched up the rhythm... much better than I could ever hope to write.
Great Job.
Lovely poem!
I like most of it, but there was a line that I didn't quite enjoy...
Just a handful of sand to thrust
The way you're using this word makes it sound like a euphemism for having sex... it's a bit odd! I would probably change that part.
Also, a couple grammatical errors:
The rifleman glare, at the settlers tomb <-- Either setters' if it's plural or settler's if it's singular.
Now settler’s tears, crowning full face <-- Should be setters' if it's plural (I'm not sure if you wanted it to be plural).
Darkens the craze, of societies grief <-- Should be society's
It's a lovely bouncing poem though with lots of neat imagery... I like it very much.