I am just starting to write poetry. What do you guys think?
The Beach Man Blues
On an off tilt stroll, through the cumbersome court,
Lay the sand of an unwanted shore.
While the settler sits, in a withering fort.
Winces the strength of melancholy bore .
The cello forces with dignity;
While the normal plays nice to the sax.
And the man just sits with lucidity,
With humanity slipping through cracks.
The rifleman glare, at the settlers tomb,
An umbrella just standing tall.
But he just sits alone, awaiting for boom
As the snipers continue to stall
His one man army, enjoying the sun
On a gleeful winter brought day
Awaiting the marksman, carrying shun
Of an ill struck overdue stay
Now settler’s tears, crowning full face
With the tundra of wave behind
The preachers along, trying to save grace
While the misfortune begins to resign
When he sits within, the fragile chair
The bricks break down to dust
A Corona in hand, not a single care
Just a handful of sand to thrust
Darkens the craze, of societies grief
Towards the settler just sitting on sand
Because he relaxes, with no sign of leaf
And snow capping the surface of land
The winter will soon bring new life
But will end the settler’s stay
He flees in the face of conformity
Until a snow struck, winter blown day
Hey there!
What I loved about this poem was your use of imagery and rhythm. It painted vivid pictures in my head, and you kept a wonderful beat throughout. However, in this you use descriptions and word choices that don't mean to make much sense (for example, 'carrying shun'). I don't know whether you did this because you wanted to fit to the rhyme scheme, or because it sounded good, but it was a little awkward.
~Amy
Hey Hoopster! So as said before, you don't want to sacrifice the meaning of the poem just to make it rhyme. I don't really think onomatopoeia works here though, like in this part, I really disliked the "Waiting for boom"
But I loved the rhythm you had, and your imagery is great. Keep writing!!The rifleman glare, at the settlers tomb,
An umbrella just standing tall.
But he just sits alone, awaiting for boom
As the snipers continue to stall
Hooper!
I like this. You have a beautiful narrative style that brings great images to mind -- wonderful tone of blues set forth in here. I genuinely enjoy this.
I'd recommend relaxing the rhyme just a little bit; while it's good, it's more a cruthc than a driving force, dearie, and instead of propelling your poem forward it's holding you back a little bit. In rhyming so often, you're reinforcing previous images-- and that's okay! But you should give yourself all the room in the world to bring about something new whether it be a new idea, image, or just a twist.
I like the rhythm you carried -- not only did it carry in the structure of your words, it carried excellently in what you were saying, and I that's pretty impressive. Thumbs up on that.
I immensely enjoyed this,
Goodwork,
June
Hi, I'm Grin.
I liked this. Of course there's still work to do, if you're a new-found poet you won't be perfect first time, but this is very good indeed. You have some great work here, it just needs a little more emphasis.
When I read this, I saw a paradise-style beach, soft white sand, gentle waves, palm trees, the full works. It's a sort of quiet scene, so onomatapoeia might not be so effective here, but there are things you can do with this.
While I'm seeing that first scene, I'm not seeing all of it. I'm just reading about the preachers and the music. A little more imagery could really help this.
But all the same, well done. This is good. Thanks for posting this.
Hope that helped
~Grin
Not a bad beginning. 
Still, as with all first steps, there's improvements to be made.
While it is impressive that you kept up with the rhyme, in places, it felt forced to me, especially where you use a word improperly. For instance:
Awaiting the marksman, carrying shun
Winces the strength of melancholy bore.
On a gleeful winter-brought day
Of an ill-struck overdue stay
Until a snow-struck, winter-blown day
On an off tilt stroll, through the cumbersome court,
Lay the sand of an unwanted shore.
While the settler sits,in a withering fort.
Winces the strength of melancholy bore.
The cello forces with dignity;
While the normal plays nice to the sax.
The rifleman glare, at the settlers tomb,
An umbrella just standing tall.
But he just sits alone, awaiting for boom
With the tundra of wave behind
Just a handful of sand to thrust
Darkens the craze, of societies' grief
Because he relaxes, with no sign of leaf
Hey Hoopster!
Considering you're only trying your wings with poetry, this was great. Lightyears better than my first poems. Rhyming poetry fascinates me, if it's done well, and I think it's difficult to write. Your rhymes didn't seem forced, but then again, they weren't very unexpected either. Even though the rhymes mostly work, it seems you have taken the easy path when coming up with them. It's okay to take risks – it keeps things more interesting for the reader as well.
Another thing I noticed is that in a lot of places, the flow dies. You have either too long or short lines (mainly too long) compared to the rest of the stanza, and it makes the poem sound uncomfortable and rushed. An example of a bit like that would be:
Now settler’s tears, crowning full face
With the tundra of wave behind
The preachers along, trying to save grace
While the misfortune begins to resign
And it becomes easier when you have to do it a lot.
120,616 Literary Works • 651,092 Reviews
Points: 83309
Reviews: 436
Donate