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Playground 666- Horror Story

by Razor


[accessing computer files]

[opening recording.mp3]

Hello, is this thing on? Um..hi, my name is Jacob Donners and I am 23 years old. Honestly,I don't know why I am making this recording . Maybe to get some things off my chest ? I was fifteen when it happened. I was walking to a park near my house to meet up with some friends. It was late, maybe 8:00 and the sun was setting. I was about a block away when all the lights on the street went out, throwing me into pitch blackness. The next thing I knew I was standing near a playground in a park at the dead of night. There were no sounds except my breathing. It was foggy out, and I was bewildered. This was not the park that I was going to. It looked older, and the playground equipment was rusty and dirty. There was a street behind me and no sidewalk, and the park was surrounded by what looked like a forest. I was frightened at first but became curious as to what was happening. So I headed into the forest. It was pitch black and I could not see for a few seconds, but my eyes adjusted eventually. What I found was unholy weird. There were exact duplicates of the playground in the forest. The same chipped paint, rusted bars, still swings, the whole thing. I was turning around to walk back the way I came when I heard a sound behind me. The sound of leaves crunching. I stood still, listening but hearing nothing else. I got the heck out of that forest and ran past the playground into the middle of the street. The fog thickened and I heard twigs crunching, then no sound at all. I looked at the playground behind me. Through the trees, just at the edge of the forest was one of the duplicate playgrounds. What I saw freaked me out badly. I had a phone on me, a Motorola Razr flip phone. I opened it and snapped a picture and started to run down the road. I did not know where I was, I just knew I had to get away. It was while I was running that the car appeared. I froze, like a deer in the headlights, and felt the hard impact and immediate pain of being hit by a car. The world spun and I found myself laying on the sidewalk, my head turned to the side. My entire body hurt like hell. I heard someone yelling to call 911 and then I blacked out. When I came to, I was in a hospital bed. I was found out from a nurse that I had been unconscious for a week and that I had broken several bones when a car had come over the curb and hit me. I still don't have an explanation for what occurred that night. What I do know, is that I never took that route to the park again. So...what has happened since then? Nothing. I have not had this experience again. I tried writing about it on all sorts of forums, looking it up, etc. So far, I have found no one who has had this experience. As for why I made this...well... I am not sure how to say this or if I am allowed to say this..but I was actually asked to do this by a creepy guy wearing sunglasses who showed up at my house in the middle of the night. He asked me a lot of questions and then suggested I make a recording. Then he left. I don't sleep well now.  I still have the phone, but I deleted the photo from it. I have the photo on my computer though, but I will never open it again. The picture, when I first saw it, freaked me out. I did not sleep for three days after looking at it. I have to go now, someone just rang my doorbell.

[closing file]

[opening image.jpg]


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Fri May 26, 2023 2:06 am
GengarIsBestBoy wrote a review...



Howdy hey! Gengar here to leave a review!

I really liked the formatting of this story. It’s really interesting how it’s an mp3 format. I think this also makes it even more interesting because it makes you wonder why the reader is in Jacob’s house. My personal theory is that the guy with the sunglasses (who seemed like some kind of government agent) is in Jacob’s house and is going through his computer.
I also think you made Jacob’s dialogue sound very natural; he sounds like an actual person.
Also, I really like the creepy image; it reminds me of Trevor Henderson. Where did you find it (or did you make it)?

I have two main criticisms for this piece:
First, I think it needs more emotion. Considering how traumatic this seems for Jacob, I think it’d make more sense if he sounded more desperate in the beginning, as if this thing has been haunting him for all his life.

Second, I think there should be more paragraph breaks. Paragraph breaks make the story easier to read, and should be added when the topic of the story changes. If you’d like to learn more about this, I found a writing advice blog that might be helpful: https://writingquestionsanswered.tumblr ... break-them

Keep up the great work!
—GengarIsBestBoy




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Fri May 26, 2023 1:18 am
cookiesandcream123 wrote a review...



Heyo, Razor! Just wanted to stop by and say that I really enjoyed this story! :D

I love that it's an mp3 and has a computer-y feel -- it's a creative way to tell the story, and by the end, I was scrolling slowly and dreading the jpg image. I have a feeling that Jacob was...um....unalived, and that somebody else opened the image. >_< (RIP Jacob)

For feedback, everyone else has pretty much said it all, so I don't have much to add. I agree that the story is spooky and interesting. I also think you did great with the narration and varying sentence lengths. Jacob sounded like a real person talking. I would just suggest breaking it up into more paragraphs, as Paige said, and getting rid of a few grammar errors and typos.

Other than that, though, awesome job! This was a really fun read!




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Thu May 25, 2023 5:20 pm
fantasies wrote a review...



hi! i gotta say... this was a very interesting read!
i like the spooky vibes, and some of the descriptions. it definitely caught my eye. however, there are some things that confuse me.

first off, i think it could use a little more detail. some of it seemed a little rushed to me, although some of it does work with the way this story is written.

It was late, maybe 8:00 and the sun was setting. I was about a block away when all the lights on the street went out, throwing me into pitch blackness. The next thing I knew I was standing near a playground in a park at the dead of night.


the sun was setting, and then a couple of sentences later it's the dead of night? i'm a tad bit confused. was this intentional? i think with the sun setting, there would be at least a little light, but that's just me.

also, this is just the site's thing when you copy and paste text, the text is just one block. i suggest editing a little to form paragraphs.

good job with this piece, you have very interesting writing :)




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Thu May 18, 2023 3:05 am
SkyVibes wrote a review...



I love how this is written. It isn't written like a normal story which makes it so unique.
I like how it also very much feels like an X-Files mp3 recording. Like I can totally see Fox Mulder listening to this and going to the playground and meeting the person who got in the accident.
I wish there was more to the story! Like maybe a second recording saying Fox Mulder had showed up XD!!!!!




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Thu May 04, 2023 10:12 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



This reminds me of something weird and creepy you’d find while scrolling through recommended YouTube videos. The kind of thing that you’re scared to look at, but curious enough to just…look at it. I liked it! The creature in the photo scared me the most. Maybe Jacob was teleported into another dimension. Or someone died at the playground and that route Jacob took is the person’s afterlife. Just endless playgrounds.

I wish you a great day/night.




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Thu May 04, 2023 12:46 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was quite the little tale. A nice little simple premise and I think you did a pretty good job of bringing across the kind of emotions that you need for something like this. The picture at the end caps off this little thing very nicely.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Hello, is this thing on? Um..hi, my name is Jacob Donners and I am 23 years old. Honestly,I don't know why I am making this recording . Maybe to get some things off my chest ? I was fifteen when it happened. I was walking to a park near my house to meet up with some friends. It was late, maybe 8:00 and the sun was setting. I was about a block away when all the lights on the street went out, throwing me into pitch blackness. The next thing I knew I was standing near a playground in a park at the dead of night. There were no sounds except my breathing. It was foggy out, and I was bewildered. This was not the park that I was going to. It looked older, and the playground equipment was rusty and dirty. There was a street behind me and no sidewalk, and the park was surrounded by what looked like a forest. I was frightened at first but became curious as to what was happening. So I headed into the forest. It was pitch black and I could not see for a few seconds, but my eyes adjusted eventually. What I found was unholy weird. There were exact duplicates of the playground in the forest. The same chipped paint, rusted bars, still swings, the whole thing. I was turning around to walk back the way I came when I heard a sound behind me. The sound of leaves crunching. I stood still, listening but hearing nothing else. I got the heck out of that forest and ran past the playground into the middle of the street. The fog thickened and I heard twigs crunching, then no sound at all. I looked at the playground behind me. Through the trees, just at the edge of the forest was one of the duplicate playgrounds. What I saw freaked me out badly. I had a phone on me, a Motorola Razr flip phone. I opened it and snapped a picture and started to run down the road. I did not know where I was, I just knew I had to get away. It was while I was running that the car appeared. I froze, like a deer in the headlights, and felt the hard impact and immediate pain of being hit by a car. The world spun and I found myself laying on the sidewalk, my head turned to the side. My entire body hurt like hell. I heard someone yelling to call 911 and then I blacked out. When I came to, I was in a hospital bed. I was found out from a nurse that I had been unconscious for a week and that I had broken several bones when a car had come over the curb and hit me. I still don't have an explanation for what occurred that night. What I do know, is that I never took that route to the park again. So...what has happened since then? Nothing. I have not had this experience again. I tried writing about it on all sorts of forums, looking it up, etc. So far, I have found no one who has had this experience. As for why I made this...well... I am not sure how to say this or if I am allowed to say this..but I was actually asked to do this by a creepy guy wearing sunglasses who showed up at my house in the middle of the night. He asked me a lot of questions and then suggested I make a recording. Then he left. I don't sleep well now. I still have the phone, but I deleted the photo from it. I have the photo on my computer though, but I will never open it again. The picture, when I first saw it, freaked me out. I did not sleep for three days after looking at it. I have to go now, someone just rang my doorbell.


Well before I get too far into this one, I do have to mention that this piece is in dire need of some paragraphing here. Its currently a very large wall of text here which is a bit difficult to follow. The pacing is pretty good there so it still somewhat manages to be possible to follow even as the wall of text but just breaking this up into a couple of paragraphs would help quite a bit to making things even better.

Moving past that situation I absolutely loved the way that you built tension here. It was quite well done and you can feel the atmosphere of that place and how it develops. Its immediately just building all that little bits of fear in the back of our mind at the same time as the protagonist also feels it and I think that develops really well. I liked the ending too in terms of how this person is attempting to process it and how much this has affected them, but I will say that perhaps the actual encounter could do with a bit more. It doesn't have to be much longer. Shorter and punchy is perfect for this style of thing, I just feel like you could work a little bit more emotion into that one.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a really solid piece this one. I think you did quite well besides the little issue of paragraphs and a couple of other tiny things here and there. For the most part, it was a pretty effective little horror story.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate





Revision is one of the exquisite pleasures of writing.
— Bernard Malamud