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16+ Language

Lifesong: A short story

by Razor


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Mrylst 

Sector 7

Jamie looked at his son Philip as they sat down on the green flowing grass. In the distance, tall, large metal pipes stood on a massive hill. Mrylst was famous for one event. The Lifesong. Every ten years, the planet Mrylst generated massive winds. The pipes harnessed the winds to play beautiful melodies. They were never the same. Almost all of the galaxy showed up on this planet for the hour long concert. Some said visions occurred during the concert. Others said that no visions did. This event served as an economic boost for the planet. Jamie had taken his son because they both needed a distraction from the divorce. It had happened a month ago. Jamie's wife, Melissa, had left him. They just did not have the spark anymore. Jamie had felt like shit ever since. A sound rang out. The concert had started. Suddenly, Jamie saw somthing. His vision was clouded, and from those clouds rose images. Images of explosions, guns, screaming people, burning towers, flags ripped and torn, unprovoked invasions, war crimes, and bloodshed. There were also good images. A homeless shelter, donations, protests, awareness, justice, and so, so many more good images. Then, one image popped up. Melissa. She was smiling and laughing. Jamie smiled. He definitely did not feel like shit anymore. The image of his former wife faded, and Jamie watched as fireworks exploded in the air, joined by beautiful melodies. He looked at his son. He had a far away look in his eyes. "Mom", he said, pointing. Jamie followed his finger. Melisa was walking across the grass towards them, shoving her way through groups of beings. "Melisa", Jamie said as she stopped in front of their blanket and sat down. Melisa picked Phillip up and put him in her lap. "Hey", she said.  "I thought I would say hi before the concert ends and I leave for Earth". Jamie smiled. His wife had always been kind. "I miss you", he said with a sad smile. "Yeah, me too", she said. "I felt like shit after we separated". The winds stopped, and with it, the concert. Well, she said, my flight leaves in an hour, so I should get going. She hugged Jamie, and kissed the top of Philip's head. "I love you", Jamie said, tears welling up in his eyes. "I know", she said. "You know,  I had a vision during the concert". "I saw you". Jamie smiled. "Yeah, I saw you too", he said, starting to cry. Don't you worry Philip, Melisa said kissing their son on the forehead, mommy will see you again. She hugged Jamie once more. He buried his face in her shoulder. She smelled like a pine scented candle. A smell that Jamie knew well from their days together. She released him and walked away into the slowly thinning crowd. Jamie watched her go, his eyes slowly drying. "Come on Phillip", he said,"Let's go". "We will see her again". And they did.


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Sat Apr 08, 2023 5:07 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was quite the little short story here. I almost wonder if perhaps this is a part of a larger piece here, because as much as it does work as a short story it feels like there's a lot more to this world here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Jamie looked at his son Philip as they sat down on the green flowing grass. In the distance, tall, large metal pipes stood on a massive hill. Mrylst was famous for one event. The Lifesong. Every ten years, the planet Mrylst generated massive winds. The pipes harnessed the winds to play beautiful melodies. They were never the same. Almost all of the galaxy showed up on this planet for the hour long concert. Some said visions occurred during the concert. Others said that no visions did. This event served as an economic boost for the planet. Jamie had taken his son because they both needed a distraction from the divorce. It had happened a month ago. Jamie's wife, Melissa, had left him. They just did not have the spark anymore. Jamie had felt like shit ever since. A sound rang out. The concert had started. Suddenly, Jamie saw somthing. His vision was clouded, and from those clouds rose images. Images of explosions, guns, screaming people, burning towers, flags ripped and torn, unprovoked invasions, war crimes, and bloodshed. There were also good images. A homeless shelter, donations, protests, awareness, justice, and so, so many more good images. Then, one image popped up. Melissa. She was smiling and laughing. Jamie smiled. He definitely did not feel like shit anymore. The image of his former wife faded, and Jamie watched as fireworks exploded in the air, joined by beautiful melodies. He looked at his son. He had a far away look in his eyes. "Mom", he said, pointing. Jamie followed his finger. Melisa was walking across the grass towards them, shoving her way through groups of beings. "Melisa", Jamie said as she stopped in front of their blanket and sat down. Melisa picked Phillip up and put him in her lap. "Hey", she said. "I thought I would say hi before the concert ends and I leave for Earth". Jamie smiled. His wife had always been kind. "I miss you", he said with a sad smile. "Yeah, me too", she said. "I felt like shit after we separated". The winds stopped, and with it, the concert. Well, she said, my flight leaves in an hour, so I should get going. She hugged Jamie, and kissed the top of Philip's head. "I love you", Jamie said, tears welling up in his eyes. "I know", she said. "You know, I had a vision during the concert". "I saw you". Jamie smiled. "Yeah, I saw you too", he said, starting to cry. Don't you worry Philip, Melisa said kissing their son on the forehead, mommy will see you again. She hugged Jamie once more. He buried his face in her shoulder. She smelled like a pine scented candle. A smell that Jamie knew well from their days together. She released him and walked away into the slowly thinning crowd. Jamie watched her go, his eyes slowly drying. "Come on Phillip", he said,"Let's go". "We will see her again". And they did.


Well before I get too far into this, I've gotta start by saying this one is in need of a touch of paragraphing right here. This is quite a lot of text to all just be crammed into the one giant paragraph and I think it would do much, much better if you had this split up into a couple of section, perhaps even three given quite how much we've got happening here.

Moving past the whole paragraphing problem there and onto the story itself, this is quite a powerful scene. For a short story that is almost entirely just the one scene there, you manage to create quite a bit of emotion for us and even if we don't quite know these characters nearly as well as we'd like we can definitely still understand quite how powerful of a moment this one happens to be here.

I think you beautifully manage to spin it around from establishing this emotion to just this little momentary glimpse at happiness before it all sinks down into that very much bittersweet ending. I think you do an amazing job there portraying all of this at once.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a pretty powerful piece this one. Besides the issue there on the paragraphing, this really just works, hitting you with those emotions one after another quite powerfully.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




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Wed Apr 05, 2023 3:58 pm
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TheCornDogEnthusiast wrote a review...



Hello!
This is a touching and well-written piece of fiction. It tells the story of a father, Jamie, and his son, Philip, attending a concert on the planet Mrylst to distract themselves from Jamie's recent divorce from Melissa. During the concert, Jamie experiences a vision that includes both negative and positive images, including one of Melissa. After the concert, Melissa unexpectedly appears and they have a heartwarming conversation before she leaves for Earth. The story ends with Jamie and Philip looking forward to seeing Melissa again.

The author effectively uses the event of the Lifesong concert to create a unique and imaginative setting for the story. The description of the concert and its impact on the galaxy is well-crafted and adds to the story's emotional impact. The use of Jamie's vision during the concert is also a great way to provide insight into his emotions and add depth to the story.

The characterizations of Jamie and Melissa are also well done. The reader can sympathize with Jamie's recent loss and his emotional turmoil. Melissa is portrayed as a caring and empathetic person, which adds to the emotional impact of her appearance at the end of the story.

The story's pacing is also effective, with a natural build-up to the climax of Melissa's appearance. The dialogue is well written and helps to reveal the characters' emotions and thoughts.

Overall, this is a well-written and emotionally impactful story. The author effectively uses setting, characterization, pacing, and dialogue to create a memorable and engaging piece of fiction.





Turn your demons into art, your shadow into a friend, your fear into fuel, your failures into teachers, your weaknesses into reasons to keep fighting. Don’t waste your pain. Recycle your heart.
— Andréa Balt