Published February 3, 2011
I wrote this a few years ago and have reposted it with some changes. 
comment, and enjoy! i really want to publish but i dont know if that would be a good idea.
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I could feel there eyes on me, staring daggers at me. There whispers had followed me ever since I had entered the city. Trying to ignore them, I slipped into the pub, my destination. Walking up to the bar, I beckonded the tender over. Lifting my cloak, I looked him in the eyes. Recognition filled his cloudy face, followed by terror. Muttering mostly to himself, he led me to a door near the back of the pub. Bowing low, he suffled to the side, and let me pass. Closing the door tightly behind me, as so not to be heard, I heard a deep voice reverberate from the darkness.
"Yes, now I see the rumors are true...and how are you Nalakaya?" Sitting down across from him, I pulled my cloak off my shoulders.
"Hello Raul. How good to see you agian." I replied. He nodded, and spun his chair around to face me.
"To what do I owe this....unexpected pleasure?" He asked me, avoiding my eyes. I looked at him, asking if he really wanted to know, and he nodded. So I began.
"Well, as you know, I was exiled not to long ago. They gave me one condition to be allowed back into the palace: I must find the Cum'de'Rae, According to legend, the Cum'de'Rae was lost years ago by an Egyptian princess. No one has seen it sin-"
"What exactly is the Cum'de'Rae?" asked Raul, interupting me. I glared at him, as being interupted was not something I tolerated kindly.
"The Cum'de'Rae is a small golden bracelet. it is said to bring ultimate power to the beholder. The power is said to be that of the pessomistic spirits. Evil power, but great power none the less." He nodded, his greasy black hair framing his pudgy face. I started agian from where I left off. "I believe the bracelet is in North America, That is why i have come here. I need to organize a search party of sorts, and a way there. What do you say Raul?"
He looked up at his name, his eyes filled with worry and indecision. "W-well you s-see, M'aam, heling t-the Exilian Princess can be very d-dangerous...' he stuttered nerviously. Standing up, I shouldered my cloak and responded,
"I understand, old friend.." i opened the door and turned around to leave. Hearing him sigh in relief, I said, "One last thing Raul."
"Anything, Princess." I flicked my wrist, and in a puff of purple smoke, Raul lay dead in his chair.
I closed the door softly, and slipped through the almost desserted pub to the exit. Staying in the shadows, i found an abandoned sheck in where I could hide for the time being. Making sure no one was watching me, I opened the door and hurried in. I locked the door with a little difficulty, as the lock was old and rusted, and breathed a sigh of exhaustion. I turned around to explore and find a place to sleep, and screamed in horror. The world went black, and I fell in a dead faint.
Light. Blinding, pure, light. And yet, it wasn't light. It was more of an aura. An aura of an angel...
I shook my head, trying to un-jumble my thoughts. Were the hell was I? Looking around, I found myself in a dark, dusty room, full on shadows. And I was alone. I stood up, took a step forward, and screamed bloody murder. I had been shocked, By some sort of invisible force field. I put my hand forward, and screamed as my body shook with terror. Ok, so I couldn't just walk out of here. At least, not in one piece..And then, out of the shadows, I saw something move. I whipped around, looking for the creature I had seen. I heard a low moan, like that of a person in pain, and backed up slowly. Trying not to touch the force field, which was hard seeing as I couldn't actually see it, and started to panic. I knew the punishment for coming back. For being caught, alive, I would be killed. My captor would be a hero to the civilians. If only he knew the truth.
"I do know the truth about you, Nalakaya." came the voice of a man behind me. I spun around, and stared into the darkness. Why couldn't I see him?! Agian, he said, "I know the truth about you, Nalakaya." Now I was freaked out. Was he a mind reader, or something worse? "Show yourself!" I cried,
"Show your self you coward!" but as soon as I said that, I regretted it. Stepping out of the shadows, came a horribly disfigured person, I think... His face was covered in scars, and his arm was bent at an awkward angle. But the worst part of all of it: He wasn't a mortal. His aura said that much about him.if I had learned anything in my short time at the Acadamy, it was that all different creatures have an aura. his was different though, a sort of pulsing, purple and yellow blob. Nothing I had seen before.
Agian, as if reading my thoughts, he said, "You are disgusted of me, aren't you? Scared of what I am, of why those people wanted to kill me. I can tell you if you like..." With that being said, he reached thru the field like it wasn't even there, and started to stroke my cheek. This sent a tingling shiver down my spine, and I slapped his hand away. "You shouldn't have done that, Princess!" He stepped toward me, and I backed up, into the force field. I wasn't going to scream, I wasn't going to give him the pleasure.But to not scream, I swear it would kill me. My head felt like it was going to burst, like my lungs were going to explode. Taking a deep breath, I surrendered, I slumped to the ground, furious with myself.
"Good", he said, "Now for what I want...."
He stared at me, smiling.
"Do you know what I want Nalakaya? Well, do you?" I looked at him, and shook my head. I had no clue what he was talking about. As if hit by a train, my body felt like it was broken into a million peices, and I screamed.
"I dont know what you want!! Please, stop it!!" He laughed, and more pain rippled through my body. I was scared...but also full of respect. I had learned from many that torture is a good way to get what you want.
He looked at me softly, and the torture stopped for a bit. I panted from exhaustion, and tried to stay completely still, as not to give him more reason to harm me. Laughing, he said, "I want your kingdom, heiress." As my brain registered what he said, I wanted to burst out laughing, but slap him at the same time. My kingdom? I had no kingdom, at least not anymore.
And so I told him just that. "Monsuier.." I said, worried about what would happen if I told him, "I have no kingdom. It was taken from me...taken by my own father..."
"Liar!"
Pain flew through my body, pinning me to the wall. My head threatened to burst, but I got up, and slapped him. He looked at me, and I knew I had made a mistake. He walked up to me, and placed his hand on my cheek, and I cringed. Breathing down my neck, he whispered,
"Does this bother you Nalaka? Hmmm?" I looked at him, and I wanted to scream as loud as possible. As if knowing that it wasnt ok, he said, "Well then this will annoy the hell out of you..."
The next thing I knew, his lips were on mine. Not in a possessive way, but in a weirdly sweet way. I pushed away, and slapped him as hard as possible. Turning around, I ran for the door, ignoring the electric currents washing through my bloodstream....
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Spoiler
The spoiler above contains my partial text review. My comments are in [red brackets], misspelled words are
red and struck out, and the correction is in red. If a word is just highlighted in red, that means I either added or deleted a punctuation mark.Hello there, Miss Rayne! I'll be reviewing your work today.
Before we move on to the delicious gooey center, let's get the technical matters out of the way first. You'll notice that in my full-text critique, I stopped making comments about half-way through the story. That's mainly because your story, unfortunately, includes way too many grammatical and spelling mistakes. You should run it through a spell check first, and then do an in-depth reading. Spell check doesn't catch things like using the word "there" when you should have used the word "their". Really, these are things that should be done without a reviewer's attention. When I review a story, I'd like to focus on the things you put effort into - characters, plot, setting, scenes, style, language, and so on. If you polish your stories, you will get a lot of love from your reviewers.
Continuing on with the technical issues in the story, you tend to start sentences with a verb way too often. In other words, your sentence structure doesn't really vary. If you play with sentence structure a bit - as long as you don't overdo it - your text will be that much more fun to read. Give it a shot sometime, I promise you your prose will be that much more fun to read.
Now, let's get to the meat of the story.
The thing that's most noticeable about your characters is that their actions are inconsistent with the way you characterized them. Raul seemed like a badass devil-type figure, but then he's reduced to stuttering and somehow murdered near instantly. ??? What was the point of that death? Which brings me to the next character on the dissecting table -- why did Nalakaya kill him merely for refusing to go look for that thingy with her? Did she have a personal reason...? I mean, I can think of a reason: she revealed the existence of a powerful artifact to Raul, and she's afraid he'll go off to look for it on his own and get it before her. But you never tell us that, and I'm left to guess. It's good to have some ambiguity sometimes, but I like to think that murder, no matter the medium, is a big deal - and unless your story is a murder mystery, the reasons for murder should be given right away. If Nalakaya kills him for no reason, that just cements her as an intolerable b*tch. That's why I felt absolutely no sympathy for her when she was captured by that disfigured thing which started, for the lack of a better expression, molesting and torturing her. She doesn't react in any way to killing Raul, she doesn't even feel human, more like a monster. I mean, I'm assuming she's not entirely human, given the title of this work, but still -- you have to remember that most of your readers are humans, and if you want them to connect with your characters, your characters have to be human on some level, too.
I would appreciate some more description of the setting. Some more descriptions overall, actually. If your readers can't tell whether this story is taking place in the ancient times or the modern times, then you're in serious trouble. There were absolutely no distinguishing marks that would tell me anything about the time period this is in.
Not much to say about the plot, since this isn't a complete story. I do have some faith in it, however, because you mentioned that you edited it. I'm hoping that you will keep my suggestions at least partially in mind and edit this work to be a little bit more presentable. You mentioned you feel like publishing it - what exactly are you publishing? Is there more to this story? Regardless, it's still fairly messy and raw. Clean it up, edit it, re-write some dialogue, get to know your characters, and you will at least be on the right track. Good luck!
Your servant,
cC
Beckonded should be beckoned.
Suffled should be shuffled.
Agian should be again.
This part is awkward to read. You may want to reword it.
This doesn't sound realistic. Why would Nalakaya explain what the Cum'de'Rae is in that way? To be honest, it sounds like a textbook answer. In addition, since Raul already knows Nalakaya was excelled, there is no reason for her to explain it to him.
Interupted is spelled interrupted.
Pessomistic is spelled pessimistic.
Agian is spelled again.
Nerviously is spelled nervously.
There is no reason to make another paragraph in the middle of a sentence. This should be one sentence.
This part could easily be longer. Exactly how did she kill him? What was she thinking at the time. Considering how much this could show what Nalakaya is like, it would make sense to widen this section.
Desserted is spelled deserted.
Sheck is spelled shack.
Show, don't tell. Instead of saying it was easy because it was rusted, show her looking at the rusted lock and breaking it.
The reader doesn't know what's happening at all. What did she see? Add a little detail.
Were should be where.
Use another word besides I at the beginning of the sentence.
This is a run-on sentence. "And started to panic" doesn't make sense when you read the beginning.
Agian should be again.
This should be one paragraph.
Capitalize if and his.
Acadamy is spelled Academy.
Agian should be again.
This would sound better if there was something between the two sentences. Otherwise, the reader doesn't know if any time has passed.
Peices should be pieces.
Dont should be don't.
Never use more than one exclamation mark.
You just need a comma between scared and but.
Make sure you spell the name the same way throughout the story.
Before you let others proofread your story, please read it through. Make sure you don't have any spelling mistakes. Capitalize the first word of every sentence. Don't split sentences between two paragraphs.
Show, don't tell. A lot of your story seemed to be this happens, then this happens, then this happens... Most of the time we don't know what Nalaka is even thinking, and it doesn't seem like we reading the story through her eyes at all. A few good articles are at:
topic41426.html?hilit=show%20don%27t%20tell#p482410
http://www.forresterlabs.com/limyaael/rant185169
This is a good start, but it isn't ready to be published yet. If you edit it a little though, it could be great.