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A Mistake...

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A Mistake…

A morning brings a new charm on everybody’s face. But this morning proved to be very dark for a mother. She lost her means of living when see saw the top news headlines in the newspaper ‘295 PEOPLE AS WELL AS FOUR TERRORISTS KILLED IN THE DELHI ATTACK’. Her heartbeat grew very fast. And as she continued, she found what she didn’t want to find. The heartbreaking lines were ‘The four terrorists who had caused all this bloodshed too lost their lives. Their names are Abul Khan, Atif Saeed, Riyaz Ali and Salim Muhammad Ansari.’ She became a statue after she read her son’s name out of the four. She could not choose whether to cry or to laugh at her self. Her love for her son was incalculable but it became calculable in sake of money when she thought for the future of her three daughters who had lost their father few years ago. At the present moment she was thinking that WHY! Why she did this unforgivable MISTAKE which brought her here to the present day. She had no other option than to curse herself as she gave her son to the destroyers of the world who swallowed him as well as thousands of innocents who lived their peaceful lives. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. She wiped her tears and checked who’s there? It was an unknown lady who. On asking her, she came to know that she was mother of another terrorist who had lost his life. She came here to inform her about her son’s death. On seeing another helpless lady she lost her heart and started demanding for her son back. But this wasn’t possible at all. She told the lady that her son Abul was a genius when he went to school. It was his biggest will to be called as ‘Inspector Abul’. She just had one lament that if that day she had not taken him out of school, today he would have been a shining star for the country. She admitted that she had done a great mistake. But money made her dance on its steps. She was forced to do this for her daughters. A mother can’t be so selfish that she can push her son into deep darkness where there’s no way to return! But what she did was not for herself, but for her daughters.

One day, when Abul was just ten years old, he was passing through a market where two men with an uncommon appearance approached him. They said “We will give you so many chocolates and cars, just tell us where you live?” Abul was both a little scared and got a got a little greedy too. He told all this to his mother. Next day, the men with their covered faces came to his home. They had a long conversation with his mother while Abul was not at home. But after they went, his mother had a changed attitude towards him. The time ran and one week passed. Early morning, a green bus came and took Abul with it. The child shouted, lay on ground, shook his legs and shouted that he wants to study and become a police officer. He wanted to study and live at his home bit the brutal men gave him tight slaps and took him away from his family. His mother never came to know whether her son was alive or dead. And today she read his painful death in the newspaper when nine years had passed. Abul’s mother told the lady what conversation she had with the two men “The two men with a harmful personality came to my home and offered me to give five lakhs. I was stunned. The money mattered for me a lot as I could hardly afford food my children for one time. I agreed to do anything for the money as after my husband as there was no source of income left to me. But they showed their inhumanity and demanded for my son’s like. My extreme love for Abul went somewhere and I agreed to them. How wrong I was! But actually they moved my mind by saying that my son would work for his country. He was going to be the savior of Islam. They hypnotized me by telling that Hindus do not respect Islam and our religion was in danger from them. They just poured poison in my eyes and a magnet for money too. I gave my son’s future in their hands but didn’t care for his dreams. They taught me that he would be taught to challenge death! He would be taught to kill Hindus till his last breath as they have posed a great danger to our religion. They would teach him to cause destruction and warfare as this is the only way to lease Allah and go to heaven. BUT WHERE WAS I?

Is the heaven place for such evils? The story of a mother with a guilt to push her son in the dark is a bitter truth which is happening all over across the borders where the people in a great need exactly as this mother are encouraged for such practices which leads to death of our natives in INDIA. I want to make everyone hear me and feel my pain due to numerous wounds in my heart due to this terrorism which is fatal for every human. Terrorists are said to be inhuman and they really are! It’s a fact that terrorist and terrorism should never be supported. But we can’t credit terrorists for this all as they are not intentional to this destruction but they are taught to do this for their families. This all can not be wiped out from the world by just having high security at the borders but only if the world is aware that this can not be beneficial to everyone. My India is a secular country and I am sure that it cannot pose any danger to any religion. Indian youth! We have to change the mindset of people about our mother land to have peace so please WAKE UP.

Believe me, the time has come,

To take revenge and break the mum.

We are going to cut the root,

Which forces small children to shoot?

We want to have peace at borders,

When there will be national orders,

That there’s no need for separating lines,

As now TERRORISM DECLINES…

Vande Matram

By Rayna Ahuja

Class 9

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Harker
Review
Harker wrote a review · Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:15 pm

Hello, there. Just a short review, as I don't have much time.

I have one overall criticism for this piece: showing, not telling. Here's an example of where you tell: "Her heartbeat grew very fast. And as she continued, she found what she didn’t want to find. The heartbreaking lines were ‘The four terrorists who had caused all this bloodshed too lost their lives. Their names are Abul Khan, Atif Saeed, Riyaz Ali and Salim Muhammad Ansari.’ She became a statue after she read her son’s name out of the four. She could not choose whether to cry or to laugh at her self. Her love for her son was incalculable but it became calculable in sake of money when she thought for the future of her three daughters who had lost their father few years ago."

Also, try to 'unclutter' a bit! We don't need all this information as readers, it just makes us overwhelmed and the story harder to read. :/

Anyway, beautiful piece. Great job.

Keep writing!

-IronSpark

Hey there! =) So to review your story.. Mostly I thought this was quite an interesting passage. It was a very different slant on terrorists that I would never have thought of on my own. That's why I liked this passage; it came from a very unique point of view. The poem at the end was an unusual closing, but I'm all for individuality so I liked that aspect and the poem was decent.

Particularly I liked the beginning because it took an unexpected turn with the realization this was the terrorist's mother speaking. However it was a little hard follow what was going on at times in the story. Just for next time, don't be afraid of making another paragraph so it doesn't all just mesh into one. When it's a massive slab of text like that it's just hard to read and all your ideas get jumbled up. Also the mother had a monologue in the middle there that should have been separated from the paragraphs just for formatting. More proofreading would be useful too because I spotted some grammatical errors throughout, and they just look really unprofessional.

Nice story overall! Keep at it, but don't rely on auto correct to spot all the errors for you. I hope to see more of your work!

Thanxx for your valuable comments as this was my first writing and I just tried to convey my thoughts about terrorists and their sorrowful lives. Your critiques would surely help me for my further writings. I'm really merry
that you liked my concept. Again thanx.

User avatar
DrFeelGood
Review

Hi Rayna, Gaurav here to review your story.

This was quite an offbeat story. Frankly I don't remember the last time I read a fiction work from the point of view of a terrorist's family. Refreshing it is see a work presented in this manner.

Also I love the fact that you were bold enough to talk about religion without thrashing it (you know, there have been some works here which bash religion and I find it quite disturbing.)

A morning brings a new charm on everybody’s face. But this morning proved to be very dark for a mother. She lost her means of living when see saw the top news headlines in the newspaper ‘295 PEOPLE AS WELL AS FOUR TERRORISTS KILLED IN THE DELHI ATTACK’. Her heartbeat grew very fast. And as she continued, she found what she didn’t want to find. The heartbreaking lines were ‘The four terrorists who had caused all this bloodshed too lost their lives. Their names are Abul Khan, Atif Saeed, Riyaz Ali and Salim Muhammad Ansari.’


Fantastic way to kick start your work. Some might call this info bump, but it did work quite cool for me. You didn't let the pace drop by using some clichéd imageries, instead you took off pretty well.

CRITIQUE:

I do have some issues with this.

Honestly your story is compiled of 3 large chunks and a decent poem. It's really appalling to see that a story which has such a unique idea isn't formatted properly.

First off, you need to get rid of that gigantic opening paragraph and separate it into different paragraphs. Your start was nice, but I felt you lost your pace in the midway and I found it quite difficult to focus on your last paragraph because of the formatting issue.

For me, the formatting was the only and major issue. I love your writing style and that poem added some serious depth to your refreshing story. It was a brave attempt and you made your point in a poignant way.

Great Job! You have a long way to go! Keep writing!

Thank you for your encouragement as this really matters for me lot. I'm not a professional at all in this. I'm a school student but writing is my great interest. I actually need your critiques to enhance my writing skills. If the readers like you will have a positive point of view then I would like to write more...



No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him.
— W. A. Nance