Vampiric Transformations
Lust pales the darkest minds,
to leave the known worlds beside.
Love drips from the soul,
and cures the thirst that needs council.
It was you that healed my deepest wounds,
it was my heart that you would consume.
Now we possess our own world,
skies,trees and pedals curled.
No one will know the feeling we have made,
no one will know how to seize times fade.
You have enchanted me by your spell,
Astonished by how far I fell.
What seemed as ours was only yours,
it takes your keys to unlock the doors.
To leave me darkened by your minds trick,
and glossed my eyes drip by drip.
Train me to see this world unreal,
make your wish, command what I feel.
The tears swell behind my blinded eyes,
my ears, mind and soul filled with all your lies.
Unawakened from false dreams,
still I know nothings what it seems.
Skies, tress and pedals curled,
you have locked me away in your false world.
Left me alone to pass away,
forgetting that you will do the same someday.
That's when vengeance grows wing to fly,
the very same day that you have died.
For we will be together,
in a world unknown,
without niether of us this world has grown.
With my help your weightlessness will disappear,
and you will fall to your new eternity my dear.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I never critiqued a poem before, so bear with me here. If I crit wrong, tell me, ok?
"beside", or "behind"?
Are you sure it should be "fade"? And "seize"? Or is it "cease" and "fate"? And "time's"?
The "have" puts it out of rhythm.
"mind's". Mind your apostrophes.
Get rid of the comma, perhaps?
"nothing's", not "nothings".
Repetition? Is it intentional?
"you will do the same", or "I will do the same"?
"without either of us", I think.
The rhythm isn't flowing well here, but take off a word or two and it'll be fine.
8/10, it's alright, but could be a lot better.
Cheers,
Lily.
Hey there Raymond! Welcome to YWS, I'm Angel of Death but everyone calls me Angel.
Okay, I haven't written a poem in a while, but this used to be what I loved to write so I'm familiar with double meanings. Your poem was excellently written but the execution was a tad bit choppy. I am not saying that this is bad though, I'm merely saying that all great poems start off as words without meaning until you give them meaning. You are the writer and as the writer you must perform CPR on this. It is dying and you must save it. Now, not a lot of us know how to save a life. If we did, then we'd be doctors or firemen or something, but we're writers. You see? Double meanings shouldn't be so hard to trace. They should be easy for the reader to understand. Readers are picky and get bored easily. If they don't understand something, they'll get upset and not read it altogether. Poems are just as good as fiction, and it should be treated as such.
So here is my advice to you:
1. Get more creative with your words but make sure it's easy to read
2. Don't rely too much on rhymes. Rhyming is nice but the content and the emotions that are being portrayed are more important. They actually count.
3. Format your poem to make them look like stanzas. Stanzas make poems like these look better.
4. No polls, as the reviewer before me said, they're pointless and they'll get you nowhere.
All in all, this has great potential and I especially liked the ending line.
Good luck with this and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
Ta,
~Angel
Hey there! I'm June and I'm going to review this for you.
Welcome to YWS, Raymond. We have a 2:1 policy here which means that for every one piece of work you post, you should have reviewed at least two pieces by someone else. Please, review two things as soon as possible to make up for this.
Let's get down to business!
So! This poem, Vampiric Transformations, was a little confusing to read. It somewhat repeated in some parts and that kind of made my interest in this fade.
However, I do like your structure. It wasn't written in stanzas, rather as one long, free flowing poem. Good job on that.
I do have an issue though:
should be "trees" and "petals". You mentioned this before and seeing that this isn't a stanza poem, refrain isn't going to work here.
Some parts here rhymed; other didn't. Some of the rhymes seemed forced and that's completely unnecessary. Poems do not need to rhyme in order to make sense.
Also! Having polls in your work isn't a fantastic idea. Somehow, it takes away from the piece, because the reader will be reading it to see what to vote on. That's absolutely unnecessary; the poem should be looked at for what it's worth
Good job, though. I hope I wasn't too harsh on you! It's a great poem; well written.
Keep it up! and welcome to YWS! I hope to see more of your work 'round here.
June