Published January 20, 2010
My Friend,
heed my words,
lend your ears,
ease your guard,
so that I may take from you
more than I give.
Lax your eyes, but
veil your heart
and cover your ears
to all others but me.
I'll keep your trust
under lock and key.
Worry no more-no need to
succumb to such labor.
Rest your burdens upon me.
I'll slave to the end of days
to put your struggles at end.
So do not ponder; do not think.
Why go through such trouble, when one (such as I) who knows you most,
can do it for you?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
This was an interesting piece of work, and my qualms about it are few. The first is just plain subjective: I don't think that "Friend" in the first stanza needs to be capitalized. I can understand why one might do so, (perhaps an act of respect?), but it really comes across distracting.
I concur with the others that the "Why think?" line should be reworded better. It is rather jolting, but I don't think it ought to necessarily be deleted.
Other than that, you have crafted a poem that I intend to thumb's up. I especially enjoyed your phrases like "lax your eyes", etc.
See you around,
–antimelrose
This was a nice, simple poem, and I enjoyed reading it. :D
I agree with Juniper: the first line of the third stanza needs some work. I would suggest rephrasing the first and second lines to something like this: "Worry not -- there's no need / to succumb to labor."
Should be "Why think when those" as it is all part of one question.
Hey, Ray!
Such a pretty poem!
In the third stanza, the first line stumbles. I'm not sure that no more-no reads as smoothly as it should (and as a side note, a dash is two hyphens, dear). The third line sounds like a fragment because of how short the sentence is compared to the others; I'd end that line with a semicolon instead of a period.
"Why think?" sounds a little awkward -- maybe reword it so it's an indirect question?
Aside, I really liked this poem (-clicks like button-); it's been a while since I've read something simplistic and thoroughly enjoyable. Two thumbs up, and keep writing. I loved this, even if it's not the most original idea ever.
Write more, please.
June