While so far away
What could I really say?
To make it up to you.
Pretend that it's warm.
Pretend we have faith.
Separated by blue
What can I say?
If home is my heart
I should've stayed
Cause home is with you.
I sit up at night and think of home.
My only warmth comes from the phone.
Regret that my life depends on your tone.
Without your warmth I have no home
If home is my heart
I should've stayed
Cause home is with you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi!
I enjoyed the poem but I have to agree with Galerius on the point that you have sacrificed vital poetic devices such as imagery, metaphors and similes e.c.t, in order to create ryhme which really doesn't make the poem any better but in fact a bit more cheesy.
I understand the points you are trying to make however I think that in the future you could consider implying better imagery to show more emotion and captivate your readers. Words have so much power if you choose to use them right
Overall, I think that with a bit of practise on working with metaphors, similes and other poetic devices you ideas will be able to shine even more!
-Hope I helped, Blossom
Hi Ray112,
One thing you need to realize, and realize fast, is that the same vapid and thoughtless twangy lost-love cliche that works in songs in fact does not work in poetry unless you can wrap it up in fantastic imagery or flow. Unfortunately, the only thing that's fantastic about this piece is that it apparently gave people shivers, and any reasonable reader should rightly be at a loss for why this is.
The entire thing is devoid of any real feeling whatsoever. Every line is suffocated by imagery until it has turned blue and died, negating the "genuine" quality that poems like these absolutely need to have. In the last stanza especially, you act like you fixate on "Hey, 'home', 'phone', and 'tone' rhyme! That's pretty cool!" and in doing so, neglect any semblance of literary honesty that could have flown from the piece.
Repeating entire stanzas isn't helping your cause either, nor is the repetition of "What could/can I say?" It again reminds one of a song - and I don't doubt that with a proper beat and melody, even a bad piece like this could succeed as musical art - and therefore demeans the uniqueness of poetry.
Stop trying to rhyme at the cost of emotion, start finding different ways to say something instead of repeating it verbatim, and this may be worth a second read.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Woaaah I got shivers reading your poem. I can really relate to it all! So onto the review!
Overall, very impressive poem. I've told you the little bits I don't agree with but apart from those you've done a marvellous job and well done!!!
Hello there! This poem was really good. I rather like how he/she tells about how they regret leaving their lover. There was just one thing I suggest. In this stanza:
I would've done this,
But that just makes it easier for me, but it's fine raw when it still has it's originality. Keep writing!:)