They say that heroes never cry.
They couldn't be more wrong.
I've seen tears cascade down your pallid face
for everyone but you.
After the foulest words vanished
from the tense fights that ended day,
the silence was deep enough to hear your sorrow
patter the linoleum.
Wine spilled on your calendar,
someone begging you to speak.
You weren't talking, the telephone hung, you rested,
weeping as you slept.
I rose on tip-toe to find food,
dry macaroni on fragile baby teeth.
I sat to play Candyland, but only my pawn ever moved.
I heard you sniffle.
Your hand squeezed mine that night.
Friends gave comfort, useless, non-descript.
The car that faded around the bend held essence
of running mascara.
I felt your eyes count my bones.
You crept into my room to check,
unsure if the steady rising and falling would be there
through glassy eyes.
Dad betrayed us both.
My palms bled in the waiting room.
The pain I caused made me pine to live like we did once.
All the while I cried.
Happiness is finally home.
The love we share is endless.
But the memories play over like a song stuck in my head.
I guess I am a hero too.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Sure! Reading over it again, it's pretty much just the second line in a few of the stanzas is a a bit long - you don't have to change it if you like it, i just like rhythm in certain poems, and yours uses it pretty well already. They sound cool when you read them aloud if they have a pattern they follow. The way the first two lines in the first stanze reads is really good, it works well. man, sorry i dont know the right descriptions...um...the ones I would look at are:
2nd -"from the tense fights that ended day,"
4th - "dry macaroni on fragile baby teeth. " (thats only a maybe.its a cool line)
5th - "Friends gave comfort, useless, non-descript."
6th - "I felt your eyes count my bones.
You crept into my room to check,
unsure if the steady rising and falling would be there " (that's more the first and third line. The second one is fine.)
Okay, hope I helped. As before, great poem.Talk to ya later!
Jackie
Oh everything is amazing now. This all ended quite a while ago but unfortunately I still remember these things I described.
I haven't shown it to my mother yet, but I intend to. I just wrote it this morning.
In the poem I am a hero too because I cried tears, not for me, but for her.
And are there any particular stanzas you could point out that need rhythm work?
That's beautiful. Have you shown it your mum?
I know criticising someones feelings can be tactless, but I only have one thing to say anyway. It doesn't always follow the same rhythm in each stanza thingy. they are mostly the same, so it still works, but read it aloud and see what you think.
It's very moving and some of the words you use are grea, they make it real. Can I just ask, out of curiosity, how were you a hero too?
Keep writing and I hope things are all good for you.
Jackie.