It was not a surprise to hear the faint, angry shouts coming from the kitchen in Number 5,Hollow Drive. It was almost a routine, Athena's mother downstairs packing her and little Frost's lunches for school, her father about to leave for work at the radio factory downtown and they both meet inside the kitchen at 7:05 yet they can't seem to stand five minutes inside the same room without bursting into a quarrel of anger and annoyance. Athena awoke to her mother screeching from downstairs and squeezed her eyes shut angrily. It truly angered her of how immature they are acting. Reluctantly, Athena rolled out of her cozy bed and quickly made it in time to check her clock on her bed stand that indicated that she was running late.
Athena pulled her hair into a loose ponytail and slipped off her pyjamas. She tossed them into the laundry basket beside her dresser and threw her school uniform from the drawers of her dresser onto the floor. Breathlessly, she pulled her blue cotton pants up her legs and fitted her white polo tee on herself. Athena then turned to her messenger bag and sighed. She scooped up her books, notebooks and pens from beside her bag and dropped them inside. Tugging her socks onto her feet while slinging the messenger bag across her neck, she kicked her bedroom door open and raced down the hall to Frost's room. His door was decorated with cut up pieces of construction paper that looked like race cars. It was quite adorable. Quietly, Athena slowly turned the knob clockwise and pulled gently. A low creak erupted from the door and a stream of light from the dimly lit hallway filled the room. A loud bark from her father made her cringe and pray that Frost didn't hear it. Athena peered into his room.
"Fro-st!" Athena whispered musically. She stepped into his room furtively. He was still in deep sleep, breathing heavily and his white hair fluttered with every breath. Frost's room was painted a light blue, as it reminded him of the sky and he had a small bed which he slept in. He had a massive window that Athena always envied of because he got excellent view of the moon at night, from Athena's window, all you could see was trees. Athena snuck up to Frost's bed and crouched down next to him. She smiled lightly at him, observing his breathing rate.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Athena felt horrid for waking him up, as he always had the most vivid of dreams. He would tell her everyday on the bus ride to school.
She reached over to him and shook him gently. He moaned angrily and pouted his lips.
"School already?" Frost grumbled. Athena giggled to herself.
"Yes! We are already late, come on." She answered cheerfully.
Grabbing Frost's hand, she dragged him out of his bed and guided him to the washroom were he went and freshened up. Meanwhile, Athena opened the drawers to his dresser and planned out his outfit. She laid out the options on his bed. It was either a navy blue polo tee with the same colour of pants and a white sweater or some navy blue pants with a white polo tee and and a navy blue vest. She stared at the two outfits and visualized Frost in each one. The sudden rush of water from the bathroom sink snapped her put of her thoughts and she carelessly picked the first outfit, throwing the other on top of the dresser.
"Frost!" Athena hollered. "I brought your clothes, just change in the bathroom, okay?"
Frost, who opened the bathroom door and shut the sink off, took the clothes that Athena handed to him.
"Come downstairs when you are done, I will be getting you some breakfast. Oh, and don't forget your bag!" She informed.
"Okay!" Frost replied giddily.
Athena spun around and made her way to the steps that led to the kitchen. Peering over the railing, she could see her mother sighing and grumpily stuffing their lunch bags with food. The shouting had stopped which meant her father had left for work. Athena felt sick. She felt sick for Frost who was only eight. He didn't deserve or understand any of this. She felt sick because of the disappointment she felt for her parents. They should have been better then this. Athena, who was thirteen, was still feeling troubled by her parent's relationship but she felt more enraged that her mother and father are so busy arguing that forget to take care of Frost. It is all Athena.
Athena made her way down the steps, each step had a certain sound when put pressure on. The fifth step had a low, deep sound when it was pressurized on the right side and the eighth step sounded like a high squeak. She strode confidently to the kitchen and took both her and Frost's lunch bags and set them on the breakfast table. She put hers inside her messenger bag and left Frost's on the table for him to pick up. Athena walked up to her mother who was staring at her and approached her.
"D-did I do something?" She stammered.
"No. Just, get some breakfast. I am going to be out with the girls tonight so take care of Frost, okay?" Her mother ordered.
Athena nodded with a light grin to hide how heavy she felt inside. She used to tell herself just to stay positive and forget because that is what will work. If she stayed strong then the scars will fade yet they still won't go away. Athena opened the cupboard and found some granola bars.
I guess this will have to do.
She thought glumly. Athena took two granola bars and set them on the breakfast table. She turned around and saw that her mother had fled the kitchen. Athena stopped and listened. She could hear her mothers heels hitting the floor so Athena returned to her work. She grabbed her sweater and zipped it on. She put on her blue winter hat and fastened her sneakers on. Athena grabbed Frost's boots, coat and hat and walked back to the kitchen. Frost hopped down the stairs creating a thunderous noise with each jump. When he arrived downstairs, Athena helped put on his little red coat and his blue hat only to slip on his rain boots.
"Are we going now?" Frost inquired.
"Yes, we are running late. Come on, here is your granola bar. Let's go to the bus stop and you can eat there." Athena breathed. She stuffed his lunch into his bag and opened the back door from the kitchen. It was surprisingly sunny out yet there was a cold breeze that howled in the sky. Athena nudged Frost out the door and followed behind him, not bothering to notify her mother of her departure. Flustered, they walked to the bus stop were they would sit and wait for the big, yellow school bus to arrive. The bright blue sky painted above them with clouds scattered everywhere, surrounding the sun that brightened the Earth.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Hello Roma,
I'm new around here and so I might not be too helpful but I must say I was rather impressed by your work!
Your writing flows very well, doesn't feel rushed and you have control over words. You can describe a certain scene as vividly as if the reader was actually present, as if we could see and feel everything Athena does. I enjoyed the fact that you started your story simple despite the title as if trying to keep the reader riding along the story until we finaly come across your REAL story.
Congratulations and I'm looking forward to see a new chapter soon!
Hello Roma here,
I can see that this your first work, will done my friend. There really isn't move that I don't like so far. The way you describe Athena and frost is quite lovely, though I do wish you described their physical appearance just a tad more. Starting off as if it was just another was a good choice and you pulled it off beautifully.
Now with those positives come the negatives, though only a couple. Be careful not to add to many details to things that don't enrich the main focus of the story. Also be careful not to end your chapters on a flat note, this is only the first chapter so no worries.
So overall you did a great job and I can't wait to read more.
Hey there!
Well I must say that this quite a good piece of writing for your first published work, my friend. Well done!
I liked the way you described Athena and Frost, they both seem like such a likeable characters already and I can't wait to learn more about them and their family life, as it does sound rather complicated based on the description you gave the readers. I also liked how you started your story as though it was like a normal day in a normal world, so to speak, although I am very much curious to see where this story will go and when this Fantasia will be brought up.
So far, you have done a very good job, but I do suggest that you perhaps describe the physical characteristics of the characters. You gave a minimal amount, but a bit more information is still left to be desired. Also, try and work on how to describe other characters, through Athena's eyes, as she is to be the main character, I see. Do not forget that it's very important that you keep the flow of the story very natural and smooth, it creates a more pleasant read. Other than that, nothing to complain about, really.
Hope I gave you something to think about and I look forward to your future chapters!
MissLyricz x
This looks like your first publish. Well, this is my first review, so we can both grow from here. Anyways, there's decent amount of positives in here. You were able to characterize Athena fairly well. I'm seeing as a generally giddy and silly girl as far I can read. You were able to present well too, as it wasn't directly stated on how she acts, rather than presenting through her actions and dialouge. I also enjoyed the vivid detail on specifics, as I was able visualize everything that happened fairly well.
I was thinking about my breathing when I read about this. Don't know why I like this part so much, I just do.
Moving on, time for a bit of negatives.
I mean, does this truly benefit the story in shape or form? Don't scribble down too many details, just do what is needed because I notice examples like throughout the chapter.
This... This is where end the first chapter? I know we should only get the basics during chapter one, but the progression here just feels too slow if we now exit the house. Just make sure the pacing isn't too slow because you want to attract readers.
Also, I have two small, personal nitpicks. You didn't really portray the overall setting of this Athena and Frost's universe. I mean, judging by the title, I was expecting this to be a fantasy world, but the end of the chapter just now confirmed that it's Earth (I think). The second one is the names. Yes, you have to create some unique names, but it can't far too out there. I have never met an Athena, much less a Frost. It makes me think that they are in an fantasy school (going back to nitpick one) or that they are larger than characters. I don't neither of those options.
Well, I usually have an easier spotting negatives than positives, so this review seem a bit harsh, but I you take this the right way and push forward to create a great story.