When I stepped outside after dark
Swallows flew across a berry-yoghurt sky
As I watched them in my backyard
Where branches of the oak tree
Marred the sky like broken pencils
I could almost hear the flap of their wings
Taking off into the wide unknown
'Vrooshhhhhhhhhhhhh'
In the far distance, tints of blueberry
Marred the sky
And I watched them, dots of black
Balancing through the streaks
And as I looked
I thought
How much I longed
For the sound of freedom
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
What has berry yoghurt got to do with freedom? I mean, sure, I liked the poem, but I did not understand the metaphor. You need to clarify this because I am not so sure. Why is the sky also berry yoghurt? Last time I checked, the sky was blue, so I dunno if you are serious or metaphorical. Either way I wasn't that impressed; I found the idea of freedom to be rather silly. Sorry.
Well, the sky change colors all the time. The sky outside is white right now, When I wrote this poem, it was this purplish red. I wasn't exactly aiming to achieve something, I had an idea and the freedom refers to the sound of wings taking off. At that moment, I wanted to hear that sound. I'm sorry you didn't like that much, but still. Thank you for reviewing, is always good to hear different opinions.
Hey Tiny here!
Okay I couldn't find any issues with this even though I agree that it sounds a bit weird with Marred stated twice but other than that I loved it. Here's a bolded selection of my favorite little snippets of your gorgeous poem.
When I stepped outside after dark
Swallows flew across a berry-yoghurt sky
As I watched them in my backyard
Where branches of the oak tree
Marred the sky like broken pencils
I could almost hear the flap of their wings
Taking off into the wide unknown
'Vrooshhhhhhhhhhhhh'
In the far distance, tints of blueberry
Marred the sky
And I watched them, dots of black
Balancing through the streaks
And as I looked
I thought
How much I longed
For the sound of freedom
I really enjoyed how visual this was and how I felt like the sky was in my room as I read this. I think you could have chosen a better name though, maybe like "The Sound Of Freedom", that's just my opinion though, feel free to rant to me about it in the replies xD. I thought this was amazing, probably the best poem I've read all year.(I'm so funny oh my gosh)
Keep writing
I actually thought about that name, you know! But I thought, it sounds to cliche so I thought, why not mash them together. Anyways, your poem is amazing!
Aww thank you <3
Ooooh, I don't even know what to say about this other than the fact that I just like it! There's no obvious grammar or punctuation errors that I can see, and it sounds so pretty and visual that I think I'd kiss it if I didn't want kiss marks on my screen. I think the only mild criticism I can even say about this is that the use of the word "marred" twice sounds a bit repetitive, but considering it wasn't right next to each other, I wouldn't say it's /that/ big of a deal. Super good job with this, and again, I love it a lot!
Ah, thank you. I just realized I used it twice. Thank you for pointing that out and thanks for reading!
Wow, this is seriously fabulous!
I bet this'll get the the spotlight, as it's so well written!
My favourite bits were probably:
"Marred the sky like broken pencils"
"Swallows flew across a berry-yoghurt sky"
I liked these lines best mainly because of the description behind them, it is so visual and realistic and easy to imagine that the reader can't help but see what you are creating before them!
The only tiny suggestion I'd make is to perhaps change the second marred to another word, just to add some extra detail there. So perhaps... "Flawed" I'm tired, okay.
Whereas, that's just my opinion.
I really enjoy your writing, so please, keep it up!
-CFG
This is nice, especially the unexplained reason for stepping out at night. My favorite line was "Swallows flew accros a berry yogurt sky," (at a guess it was your's too, seeing as you named the poem after it). I like this because it is a unique, original, poetic and accurate way of describing that sort of sky. Rhythm-wise this was also good, and I can't see any grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistakes.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Your welcome!