Hey Raven! I’m back to review again!
So, I’m unsure as to why exactly everyone was so surprised when Andrea spoke up. Like, obviously she is usually a mild-tempered person, but this is a session where Lauraine wants people to speak up. So, it’s very surprising, but, like, not surprising enough to quell an entire room. Perhaps there was like, murmuring? But, this is very cliché here. I think you could even go the opposite direction here where Andrea said “I have an idea!” and no one changes anything. Then Lauraine notices her say it a second time, and she focuses her attention on Andrea. That would quiet a room. Because, you have two characters here where one stops the room, but the other would feasibly be the better choice on stopping the room, because well, she’s a show stopper naturally. I feel like it would flow much better that way. Because, if Lauraine piques her interest at Andrea, that would more feasibly give the floor to her than everyone else just stopping when she speaks up.
Andrea gets into a rhythm here, and to be honest I think it’s too sudden. I totally get being enthusiastic about what you’ve been working on, but there should still be nerves in the very beginning. That’s just who Andrea is.
Maria is very cliché here! A good villain would feign being nice to Andrea to steal the idea for themselves! XD but seriously, I do think that it would be better if Maria sidled up to Andrea here, telling her things like “What a wonderful idea” and “I can’t wait for us to work on it together.” And “Whatever Lauraine likes, I love!” because such a 180 would really put anyone sensible on edge. And you could still end with the line of “What have I done” from Andrea, because she knows not to trust this at the very least.
I like the ending! But, I think subtlety would suit you better here, to avoid a lot of clichés, that, unfortunately you’re falling into at the moment. Some clichés are totally fine, but here I think they’re over-used. But, fortunately, they’re easy to fix and change! I gave just a few examples on how to avoid them to make the piece better overall, but it’s really up to you on what you do! There’s so many potential opportunities here for you to choose! Can’t wait to read Part 3 ^^
Points: 3775
Reviews: 378
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