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Young Writers Society



Gardens of Eden (V.2) Chapter Nine

by RavenBlack


Saturday 24th December 2016

Sebastian peeked through the curtains of the kitchen window with dread. The paparazzi surrounded his house, flashing lights bursting from their cameras. The media had caught wind of his son’s absence because his son’s friends had vented to the police about it. When the police didn’t do anything they spoke to the media who were already spreading rumours about Matthew’s disappearance prior. Now they had come to scare answers out of him.

  “Why did I come today? I can’t be caught in another scandal with you,” Mya groaned. She leaned against the wall, peeling the skin of an apple with a sharp knife. As usual she was dressed to impress. She wore a red pussy bow blouse, red slim fit trousers and red heels.

Sebastian kissed his teeth. “Tell me you have good news for me,” he said as he moved away from the window. The oriental woman that offered to help them with Ivy sat legs crossed on the counter.

  “She won’t bother you anymore,” she said, her voice elegant and mature but there was a hint of mystery in her words.

  “So she’s dead?” Mya asked.

The woman stretched her neck. “No.”

Mya clenched the knife in her hands. “What do you mean no? Did he tell you not to?”

Sebastian pointed his finger at Mya. “Don’t pretend that you didn’t love her like I did him?”

  “I don’t know what you mean?” Mya evaded. “Don’t tell me you’re having regrets?” Sebastian hung his head in shame. “Coward!”

  “She’s his child!”

  “She killed Matthew and deformed his body beyond recognition! She’s a monster! Are you just going to let that monster walk away?”

The oriental woman raised her hand, silencing them. They didn’t want too but they were made to. Sebastian and Mya stared at her in terror.

  “Children, stop bickering. You’re hurting my ears,” she moaned, stretching her ears. “She’s alive but frightened at the least; I don’t expect her to have the guts to fight back after what she saw.”

Sebastian scoffed. “I doubt that.” He touched his lips in shock. He could speak! “She’s gone through hell throughout these past three months, I made sure of that and she didn’t decide to take her life. What makes you think she’ll back down now?”

The woman smiled, making Mya and Sebastian uneasy. “Because I made sure she wouldn’t. And even if she does I’ll make sure she knows her place.” She hopped of the counter and approached Sebastian, the space between them so small that her lips could touch his with the slightest movement. “Trust me,” she whispered.

  “Why are you helping us? Who are you?” Mya interrogated. “What are you?”

The woman twirled gracefully on her toes, now facing her. “That’s for me to know,” she exited the living room. “And you to find out.” Her voice echoed as she left. Mya peered through the hallway towards the back of the house and gasped when she saw that she wasn’t there.

  “Where did she go?” Mya asked.

  “The question we should be asking is what have we gotten ourselves into?”


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Thu Aug 03, 2017 11:51 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



A few quick notes on this.

The oriental woman that offered to help them with Ivy sat legs crossed on the counter.


So first: steer clear of "oriental." It would be better to just decide on a country of origin for this woman. Chinese? Japanese? Korean? Better to pick one and describe her that way than "oriental," which is outdated at best and offensive at worst. Additionally, you have to remember that Asia is a big continent and the people from the Orient aren't a single culture. There are differences between each one. If for some reason you feel weird about naming her place of origin in the story, name her! Names don't always point to country of origin - I knew an Austrian boy named Kevin, which is not exactly a well-known old-fashioned Austrian name - but giving her a name can help if you first nail down a country of origin and search popular names for that country.

Okay, moving on.

Sebastian kissed his teeth.


I'm not at all sure what you meant here. Kissing anyone's teeth is weird, but kissing your own teeth is downright impossible. I don't know what you were trying to get across.

Then, even though he speaks immediately after that line, later on in the story (like, way later, after he's been talking for a while), we get this.

Sebastian scoffed. “I doubt that.” He touched his lips in shock. He could speak!


Have his former lines actually been written down? Have they been using telepathy? It sounds from this line like his lips were sewn shut magically or something, but...he's been talking, so I'm again not sure what you mean.

Finally, I thought it was funny at the end that Mya asks the woman who and what she is and why she's helping them, when from the line that introduced her it sounded like Mya and Sebastian had been working with her for a while now. I am intrigued by her, though - she didn't kill Ivy, which Sebastian of course has good reason to believe is a mistake, but then she seems confident that Ivy won't attempt anything else...because if she does, this woman will somehow make her wish she'd never bothered with Gardens of Eden. Ivy's already been through so much (as Sebastian points out) that I'm curious to see what this woman thinks she could do to Ivy to make her stay away.

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Sun Jul 30, 2017 4:27 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for another review on Review Day!

The last chapter that I reviewed might make more sense now that I'm reading and reviewing the one before. That being said, I totally missed this one! I would've reviewed in order if I noticed this sooner. Can't worry about that now. Without further ado, let's jump right in by saying that this is a bit more fleshed out than the chapter that proceeds this, though I'm not sure if the flashback makes sense coming right after this.

The cliffhanger leaves an open space for there to be the flashback (unless it's not a flashback and instead a different perspective because that's also able to be the case) between what happens at the end of this chapter and what happens directly afterwards, so that's nice, but it's a little oddly placed I admit. Attempting to focus more on this chapter than what proceeds and trying to make sense of what happens or what's going on there, this chapter is interesting! The characters are in particular what make this captivating.

They're definitely a point of strength in your writing. I wanted to mention the word 'paparazzi' that appeared at the beginning of the chapter--that's not what I usually think of when someone is found missing? Instead I think of news reporters surrounding the scene and racing there to get the footage first because that's what can happen--just a small note that 'paparazzi' reminds me more of news reporters taking pictures of celebrities or famous people more than anything else.

The descriptions here are a little bare-boned or too info-dumpy at points like when you're describing a person's clothing. Describe more of their body language or their surroundings instead. Overall though, pretty nice if not a little fast-paced, but the character interactions are pretty dang cool, so keep that up.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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RavenBlack says...


Thanks for the feedback. I'm in the process of going through my story and editing it now so this really helps. Thanks again :-D




*gestures in butterfly meme*
— BluesClues