Ivy returned to home 2 hours later. She was calmer than she was prior to leaving. Speaking to her father had reminded her of the speeches he used to give her, the lessons he taught her. Lessons she’d never forget.
After she locked the door behind her, she saw Scruff look up at the photographs hanging on the grey wall in the hallway. Portraits of her family. She laughed to herself as she looked at the one with them pulling faces at the camera. She remembered that day as if it was yesterday. The photographer wanted to take a picture of the five of them for her father’s art gallery but Adam kept making everyone laugh. He made jokes, tickled Rose; she was surprised Father wasn’t mad at him; he knew he was doing it because he didn’t want to be there. So in the end they all decided to make it fun and pulled faces.
The picture next to it was Ivy and Rose’s school photograph from Year 10. Ivy cringed as she saw how ugly her hair was. Straightened and tied into a ponytail. What the hell was I thinking? Rose had the same style. They would always look back at this photo and question her choice to follow her; Rose’s hair was shorter than Ivy due to Ivy cutting it when she was unplaiting her cornrows. Rose’s hair got knotted due to Ivy rushing to finish so that she could play on the PlayStation 4. Hence when her hair got knotted, she just cut it off. She could still remember the look of horror on her face when she looked in the bin.
Scruff purred when she saw the picture of her as a puppy with her family crowded around her. Ivy smiled. She was so happy when her mother brought her a puppy, she always wanted one and she was a needed friend during her rough years in secondary school. A time she’d rather not think about.
She entered the living room and saw Belial making cookies in the small kitchen at the back. She wore her usual black feathered dress, Ivy always wondered if she didn’t get stuffy in it. The kitchen was probably the only bright thing in the house, which wasn’t odd since her mother always used it and she was pure- at least she thought she was. It had a marble counter and white cupboards.
Damon slouched in the matte sofa, flicking through channels, trying to find something interesting to watch.
“You’re awake,” Ivy said and their attention turned to her. Belial looked delighted to see her but Damon eyes were full of worry.
“I’m making cookies, chocolate chip, your favourite!” Belial exclaimed.
Ivy picked Scruff into her arms and sat on the sofa adjacent to Damon. “Thank but I-” Ivy saw Belial light dim at her response. “I’ll eat them later.”
“How are you?” Damon asked, turning of the 16 inch TV.
Ivy could feel her blood boil. How dare he ask her that question when he damn well knows that he’s to blame for her revenge failing to succeed. But she remembered what her father used to tell her: ‘Emotions give us power but cooler heads make smarter decisions.’ So she took a deep breath and calmed the raging fire within her.
“I’ll be fine,” she said.
“Where did you go?” Belial asked as she put the batch of cookies in the oven.
“To the cemetery.” The room went silent. Damon knew that was a jab to him, a reminder of the promise he made three months ago. “It reminded me of what’s important, what needs to be done. From today I hope to move forwards and not backwards, no more lies, no more playing around,” she looked at Damon. “Understood.”
Belial dusted of her hands and stood in the centre. “How can I help?”
“What was that thing yesterday? An angel?” Ivy enquired.
“I’ve never encountered anything like that before. Its powers were of the light but it felt ominous, like mine.”
“A fallen angel perhaps?”
“Perhaps,” Belial agreed. “But I’ve never seen one so strong and so lifeless. Plus the weapon they used, I’ve only heard stories about. The famed ring blade that almost killed Lucifer himself during the War of Heaven.” Ivy leaned forward, intrigued. “Ouriel, one of the seven Archangels and owner of the blade, fought Lucifer during the rebellion against God. Apparently, she cut him in half and sent him crawling to hell by his limbs. But as I said it’s just stories.”
Ivy gawked. “Cut Lucifer in half. She’s so powerful.”
Belial laughed nervously. “She is an Archangel, they’re supposed to be.”
“Then how did they manage to get her blade?” Damon interrupted.
“I’m not sure. But they must have been pretty powerful to have stolen it from her.”
Ivy pondered in silence. “What are you thinking?” Damon asked, curious.
“Is there a counterpart to her blade? One that has the same effect against angels?”
“I don’t think there is. Damon?”
“From the tales I’ve heard downstairs, Vetis, Lucifer’s right hand, was working a weapon. But he kept it secret, no one saw him with it. No one saw him at all.”
Ivy clasped her hands together. “We need that weapon if we’re going to stand a chance against that angel.”
Damon laughed at her proposal. “He’s dead, love, Raziel killed him.
“Then we find his corpse, or anything or anywhere attached to his name,” she rose from her seat. “I will not give in to failure a second time.” She could blame it on him; blame him for their first failure. But she kept calm. ‘Cooler heads make smarter decisions’.
Damon decided to keep silent; he was walking on broken glass every time he spoke.
“Belial I need you to accompany me to Valafar’s lair,” her request was taken with blank stares.
“Why are you going back down there? He’s not going to welcome you with open arms, not after yesterday.”
“I’m going to retrieve my knife; it fell into the hole you so stupidly couldn’t get out of,” she jabbed.
“If you stopped holding me to expectations from fiction that you’ve read or heard, we’ll get along just fine!” Damon yelled.
“Maybe if you didn’t lie to me from the beginning, I wouldn’t have to such high regards!” Ivy snarled back.
Belial moved between them, hands out. “Stop it both of you; arguing won’t achieve anything.” Ivy and Damon glared at each other in silence. “Ivy.”
Ivy raised her hands in surrender. “I’ll back down so long as he apologizes.”
“Why should I apologize?” Damon snapped.
“Then don’t expect me to treat you with high regard this time round.” Ivy had made it clear who was in charge, she owned that fact that Damon had given her the title of Master and now he regretted it. “You need to get a job.”
Damon stood up, slowly, the pain in his body still lingered. “I’ll speak to Madam X-”
“No.” Damon narrowed his eyes. “I’ve applied for the position of Head of R&D at Carl Tech Enterprises in your name. Surprisingly they want to interview you.”
“What’s wrong with the job I had? It kept a roof over our heads didn’t it and the police away from our door?” Damon defended.
Ivy picked up Scruff and put her on her lap, she purred as she stroked her back. “For what I intend to do in the near future I need you to have this job. For one, it’ll put us in the same network as Sebastian. We’ll be able to find out information through the company you’ll work for, one of his branches.”
Damon knew it was a good idea but he loved the job he had. “Why can’t I have both?” Look at him pleading, it disgusted him. The roles had changed.
“It’s impossible for you to maintain both.”
Damon huffed. “When is it?”
“Today at six,” Ivy informed.
Damon’s eyes bulged. “Today? I barely have time to prepare!”
“Better get started then.” Damon dashed into his bedroom, which used to belong to Adam and pulled out his laptop. Searching away on the internet like a madman, trying to find anything that could help him. Ivy couldn’t hold in the small laugh that escaped her lips.
“I know you don’t like Damon at the moment,” Belial said as she took the cookies out of the oven. “But he cares for you, more than you think he does.”
“Does he now?” Ivy said sardonically.
Belial put the cookies back in the oven. “I told him about you going into the garden this morning.” Ivy’s expression turned grim. “He seemed remorseful about it.”
Ivy went sombre hearing what Damon had done but then she remembered that all the pain she felt was because of him.
He doesn’t deserve your pity!
“I don’t care how he seemed,” Ivy said as she lay down on the couch and closed her eyes.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Oops. I read this forever ago and then forgot to actually leave a review.
Wow, we really start to see Ivy consumed by her revenge in this chapter. Previously she's been a more or less normal kid with a tragic backstory, and Damon has protected her and comforted her even though she was theoretically in charge. Here we see this dramatic shift, where Ivy takes over and starts ordering Damon around and even bullying him. And even though she feels a little bad about it, we see her really trying not to feel bad, because she just wants to do what needs to be done, and screw everything else. Belial seems to take on the role of Ivy's conscience, but I have a sneaky feeling she's just not going to be able to keep Ivy on the straight and narrow. We can see this in the last line, which is really powerful.
Poor Damon. You know he's my favorite.
I do want to echo jamgalloway about the pacing. The middle bits were really dialogue heavy, with little narration to break them up. See how in the last part you had Belial putting cookies in the oven before she spoke, Ivy's expression turning grim, Ivy's thoughts about Damon, and Ivy lying down on the couch? That's the sort of thing I'd want to see more of in the middle, where Ivy and Damon are rapidfire talking back and forth about the figure, Lucifer, and the sword.
Thanks so much for the feedback xD
I think this started out pretty strong, but when the dialogue got started, the pacing just went to hell. Meaning, from the first line of dialogue to the end, there's basically no description, no other actions, no anything else. Just back and forth talking. There should be more of Ivy's thoughts in there(there is some but not enough), more actions of characters moving around, doing stuff, eyes flickering, whatever, and more description of setting, expressions, whatever you choose. It's just really unbalanced right now.
Another thing that I remember you doing on past chapters I reviewed that you're still doing some here is having characters doing separate actions, which should be separate paragraphs, but for some reason are only in one paragraph. Here's a couple examples:
Belial moved between them, hands out. “Stop it both of you; arguing won’t achieve anything.” Ivy and Damon glared at each other in silence. “Ivy.”
Belial put the cookies back in the oven. “I told him about you going into the garden this morning.” Ivy’s expression turned grim. “He seemed remorseful about it.”
These should have separate paragraphs, as these are different people doing different actions from each other. There are several spots like this, but it does feel like an improvement from before, so that's good.
There's also a few lines that don't feel very realistic, and I won't go around pointing out them all, but here's one of them that I felt was weird:
Ivy gawked. “Cut Lucifer in half. She’s so powerful.”
And this line:
Damon knew it was a good idea but he loved the job he had. “Why can’t I have both?” Look at him pleading, it disgusted him. The roles had changed.
should be separate paragraphs like some earlier ones I pointed out, just in a different way. It'd be better like this:
Damon knew it was a good idea, but he loved the job he had. "Why can't I have both?"
Look at him, pleading, he thought to himself. It disgusted him. The roles had changed.
Another spot like this is this paragraph:
“Then we find his corpse, or anything or anywhere attached to his name,” she rose from her seat. “I will not give in to failure a second time.” She could blame it on him; blame him for their first failure. But she kept calm. *‘Cooler heads make smarter decisions’.*
I think the italicized part, her exact thoughts, should be its own paragraph, the dialogue be its own paragraph, and the stuff inbetween be its own paragraph. Also, instead of a comma after the first sentence, there should be a period and a capitalized "She" in the next sentence.
I think that's about all I want to point out. Basically, the main problems are the pacing, lack of description, and lack of actions. There's also some grammar mistakes, but not too many, and there are certain things that could be written better. Plus the other stuff I pointed out. But yeah, overall, I think it's a slight improvement over the previous chapters. Could still be better, but it's improving. Keep it up, and of course let me know if you want help, want me to review something, or whatever! Good luck!
Thanks for the help, really appreciate it
so just to be clear added action that's different to the previous one should be separate when in dialogue?
Yes. I mean, putting action between dialogue like this: "We don't think we can do this anymore," the Fairly OddParents said. Cosmo stayed hovering behind Wanda, but still talked at the same time she did. "We're losing our powers." is perfectly fine, just as long as the person doing the action is the same one that's speaking. And example of how NOT to do this is this:
"I don't think we can do this anymore," Wanda said. Cosmo suddenly flew into the air. "We're losing our powers."
That makes it kind of confusing at to who's actually speaking the last sentence, and what Cosmo is doing should be a separate paragraph.
I hope that cleared it up and I didn't just make it more confusing, lol.
Ahh okay I understand it better now thanks
now I just gotta go back and change everything xD