Published January 22, 2007
Life is like the ocean
It loves to play about
Sometimes full of joy or sorrow
Sometimes full of doubt
Life is like the ocean
Life is like the sea
Life is like a sweet spring morning
Dancing through the breeze
Life is like the ocean
Angered, filed with fear
Peaceful like a morning sparrow
Graceful as the deer
Life is like the ocean
Ageless as the sky
Tranquil as a painted morning
Stars that will not die
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141,250 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
"My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates..."
-Forrest Gump
This poem didn't bring anything new to the table, and it's basically a bunch of phrases babbling at the reader: "Life is like this...look, I know what a simile is!"
Next time, don't tackle such a large topic. As I've said before, trying to describe something as humongous as life or love is like trying to sew a quilt with three inches of thread. It's very, very difficult. Stick to something more specific, and talk about it in a way that will draw the reader in and help them see what you're seeing or feel what you're feeling, instead of just lecturing.
As xanthan said, it came out a bit like a broken record; repetition can be very effective when used properly. This is not to say that you have used it improperly, just that the poem as a whole came out rather sing-songy, making the repetition sound childish.
Good luck!
Colleen
Life isn't a very catchy title.
I believe you mean "filled".
Don't start every stanza the same. I know you were going for repetitive tactics, but it came out more like a broken record.