[[Is my first attempt at poetry, so I would love so feedback.]]
There are days where wisps of meringue-white clouds
Dances across the crystalline blue sky
Like dashes
Of paint
On a white spread of endless canvas
Those days I would
Frame
With tendrils of memory
Then there are days
When the sky looms
With shadows of doom
And howls of anger
Sending sh iver s
Through the hollowed hearts
Those days I would
SHATTER
With a piece of shrapnel
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First I would like to start off by apologizing for any errors in this review as I am on a mobile and they keyboard is rather tiny.
Anyway, for someone who hasn't done poetry before this is a rather good first attempt.
I like how you mix up your poem by using short and longer sentences. Some parts aren't needed but it is a nice technique to use.
I also liked how you added nice effects to two words in particular. In the word shiver I seen that it was spaced out. I don't know if this was intentional but it worked in your favor. Similarly you capitalize the word shatter which breaks away the read and adds a really nice impact.
However I found the poem was trying a lot of things but didn't really know whaf it was doing. For example, you rhymed at time but there wasn't a clear rhyming scheme which was distracting.
For a first try this is nice and when you do something well you do it really well. However, at other times you faltered.
Happy writing!
I like how this poem captures the idea of how a human being's mind 'destroys' negative memories and 'frames' the good ones. I also like how you separated shivers on purpose to create the effect of actual shivering, that's pretty cool
. Also:
I ALSO love how you capitalized the word 'shatter' to create emphasis. This is really great for your first work!
However, I don't think you need to make so many lines. You could probably group together some of them. For example:
You could probably group together "Like dashes of paint" and it would still be a great poem.
Great work
This is so nice! I love writing poems about the sky and picturing it as a canvas!!
My favourite bit is..:
"There are days where wisps of meringue-white clouds
Dances across the crystalline blue sky
Like dashes
Of paint
On a white spread of endless canvas"
As it's just so nicely written and imagined!
"meringue white clouds" is so cool to imagine, seriously, I'll remember that when I next see a cloud!
I only thought that you slightly went off topic? I mean, obviously it's your topic, and I just thought that the end could be improved by perhaps linking it back to the start? Just to show how much it's changed.
Perhaps saying that the "meringue white clouds" have "crumbled" which both links to the actual meringue dessert, and the fact that they've gone and changed.
Overall, great work and with a little editing, you can make this beautiful! ;D
-CFG
A good start. However I did not really no what was going on, sometimes you tried to make it rhyme others it was like you just gave up. This ruins the flow slightly, personally I would choose one method and stick to it for each method. Anyway for a first try well done, it certainly does sound professional and I would love to see more in the future to see how you progress. Overall well done for at least attempting. Keep up the good work.