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Passing Notes

by Rava100


Ashley: Hiya!

Nicole: ‘Ello

Ashley: Guess what?

Nicole: What?

Ashley: We have to have another pity party. Don’t skimp on the ice cream.

Nicole: Why? Something happen?

Ashley: Yeah...I just broke up with this guy I’ve been seeing.

Nicole: AND I DIDN’T KNOW THIS WHY?!?

Ashley: Umm....he told me not to tell anybody.

Nicole: Uggh. Stupid boys.

Ashley: IKR?

Nicole: Yeah! So who, if you don’t mind me asking?

Ashley: I’ll give you three hints and three guesses.

Nicole: Fine...what grade is he?

Ashley: Senior

Nicole: It’s Steven.

Ashley: How’d you guess?

Nicole: How long have I known you? It was obvious you had a crush on him, but I didn’t know you two were dating because SOMEBODY forgot to mention it.

Ashley: I know, I know! I’m sorry!

Nicole: It’s fine, I’ll live. Was he the one you wanted to go to prom with?

Ashley: Mmhmm. But he and Kate were going to go together before he even asked me out.

Nicole: Still! He was dating you!

Ashley: Yes, but it would have been cruel for him to have ditched her when they had already made plans. He did the right thing by her.

Nicole: But don’t you feel just a little jealous?

Ashley: Maybe, but it doesn’t matter now. Prom’s over.

Nicole: I know. How long were you two dating?

Ashley: A month and a half.

Nicole: Oh wow....I feel so out of the loop.

Ashley: Well, you’re in it now.

Nicole: Yeah. Anything else bothering you?

Ashley: No. I don’t have room in my head for any more drama.

Nicole: Every girl has some. Even me.

Ashley: Like what?

Nicole: Well, it isn’t horrible or anything, but my boyfriend Mark and my ex are actually getting along.

Ashley: A what-a-what?

Nicole: Yeah, it’s weird. They were glaring at each other all through prom and now they are like best friends.

Ashley: That isn’t weird, that’s bordering on insane.

Nicole: Well, whatever it is, it’s definitely strange.

Ashley: Yeah. Well, the Sadie Hawkins dance is coming up, and I’m hosting that. I’m thinking of asking Christopher to go with me. Not as a date or anything, I just want to go with someone who isn’t a jerk.

Nicole: Christopher is sweet. But Steven IS a jerk! I’m going with Mark (duh). I want to spend as much time with him as possible before he leave for base training in October. I’m really worried that if and when they send him to fight.....you know....he won’t come back.

Ashley: I know. :( Just keep sending him letters and praying. And no matter what, keep a smile on your face. He’ll appreciate that more than all the dances in the world.

Nicole: Oh, I plan on smiling. We’re going to the movies on Saturday, so it’ll be impossible not to. And I’ll be sending so many letters to him he won’t know what to think!

Ashley: All right. Tell me how the movie goes. Actually tell me anything, I’m always here.

Nicole: I know that. Thank you.

Ashley: Anytime.

Nicole: So when do you want to schedule a pity party?

Ashley: How about today? lol

Nicole: That works. I don’t have softball practice after school, so we could go to the cafe and get sundaes.

Ashley: Awesome.

Nicole: Ok. I’ll meet you at the flagpost as soon as school gets out.

Ashley: Sounds good.

1 month later

Nicole: I really enjoyed the dance the other night. I liked how there was more slow dancing and line dancing than prom. I mean, grinding is ok in moderation, but too much of it makes me sick!

Ashley: Lol. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

Nicole: You going to watch Steven’s movie for his senior project today?

Ashley: Yep. I helped out with it early on, but I haven’t seen it in a month or so. I’m curious how it’ll turn out.

Nicole: Will you be ok?

Ashley: Definitely. We’ve talked a bit, and I’m not mad at him any more. He’s a lot like my older brother now.

Nicole: I’m still going with you. Just in case.

Ashley: Feel free! It’s definitely a “theatre of the absurd”-type production, but it’s hilarious.

Nicole: All right. What time is it?

Ashley: It’s during home-room.

Nicole: Ok. I’ll meet you there.

Ashley: Sounds good. :)


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User avatar
15 Reviews


Points: 860
Reviews: 15

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Fri May 18, 2012 1:28 pm
wakegirl says...



Hey Rava,

I liked this but it didn't do much for me. Is this just an extract because on its own I think it lacks quite a bit? Having said this I do like the dialogue between the two girls at the beginning as it sounds very natural and realistic and It shows the reader the relationship they have.

One point I have an issue with is where you started talking about Nicole's boyfriend joining the army. It's a very delicate topic and I don't feel like you showed it enough sensitivity as it was over in just a couple of lines and also it didn't feel natural for me that Nicole was so happy to bring that up it in the middle of the conversation. So I'd say either make it longer and more of a part of the script or just take it out.

One last thing; if it is not an extract then I think you need to put something in that makes it more that just a conversation otherwise it might get a bit boring...

You do have some really nice writing in here though and the voices of the characters are coming along well so keep it up :)

Hope this helps,

Wake




Rava100 says...


This is an excerpt from another piece that I'm working on. I will work on the army section. I definitely want to include it, so I'll lengthen that part of the conversation and try to add more honest reactions and emotion. Thank you!



User avatar


Points: 915
Reviews: 1

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Sat May 12, 2012 12:45 am
Kabloozleman says...



Interesting. Out of the blue, I have the overwhelming urge to hold this piece of work against you... Strange...




Rava100 says...


How come? Any suggestions?




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