All Dressed in Black
Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack,
All dressed in black, black, black,
You took her head, head, head,
She wants it back, back ,back,
You cannot run, run, run,
You cannot hide, hide, hide,
You better give, give, give,
Or else you'll die, die, die.
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Canary word: Present
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Demeter already pointed out that this could just as easily go into the Lyrics section, so I'll skip that.
As to the poem itself, well--it's got its own fey cleverness, and it's obviously catchy, as it's based on a nursery rhyme. It seems to me like this would be a good addition to any campsite, especially at night, telling stories like Bloody Mary and its ilk. As a piece on its own, though, there's just not enough that's original or compelling about it.
What I'd suggest is maybe turning this into a short story--even a short-short. You know, something that actually shows off your skill, and doesn't just regurgitate the rhymes we all learned in preschool.
Hello!
See you around!
There is a lyrics forum, too, did you know that?
I can't decide what to do with this, because as you know, the original idea isn't yours, and you have taken some lines from the actual song. This just seems like a song you could sing in shower, with your own lyrics.
The second to last line is a bit odd. I'm sure you meant "You'd better give it" but it just don't go well with my rhythm. So yeah, I can't really review this, I just told my thoughts about this.
Demeter xx