Thanks Grif, I thought about it for a while, I think you are right.
I guess I just imagined big ships with banks of oars... isn't that what tiremes are? I think so.
Anyways, thanks for the helpfull tip.
NOTE: Harestin in it's rather short entirety is under work, most of what's up will not exist when it is continued.
Just because it's written bad. And I'm plotting my story at the moment.
Prelude
In the time of your Ancestors, there was a brave tribe that were nomads, living by a great sea. They had fallen on hard times, and all wanted a better life they knew should be theirs. They decided to cross the ocean, abandoning all life they previously new, in the hopes that fresh lands would be more fertile.
And so they set out. Their ships were buffeted by waves, they fought fantastic fish, and lost many a brave tribes-member and finally, they beached on new lands.
Then they looked around and decided that where they were was as good a place as anywhere else, and they made their settlement, naming it Hijlon. The town Hijlon was a beautiful and rich town, and the tribe kept a valued Medal Of Prosperity in a beautiful hall. It was rumored that the medal protected them from danger and made crops grow faster, but the tribe kept this medal protected, so no one new much of the mysterious object.
But their blissful existence did not last.
For after many years had gone by, and the tribe had become careless as to the protection of the medal, there came a great evil, which was so swift, so devastating, that all fled, leaving the town to ruin.
When the residents that had survived returned they realized with horror, that none had thought to take the medal along with them, and all rushed to the Hall of the Medal to ensure themselves that all was well, expecting to see their medal untouched. But alas, the chain which the medal hung upon was torn from its pillar, and the medal nowhere to be seen.
The residents rebuilt their town partially, but none had the heart to try glorious things without the medal. So the town dropped into a depression, and it was a peaceful, yet hard life that the villagers resumed, their huts rather dilapidated, the streets rough and uneven, and the peoples faces wore a look of sadness and blankness while they went about their daily lives.
Amidst this tragedy I am going to tell you the story of a seemingly unimportant hare, named Harestin, who was destined to be the uprising of their city.
%%%%%%%%%%
I guess I'm not good at writing emotion. Is this better? I tried filling it out a little and telling more about the citizens to put in more emotion. And now you know there's a medal, but not what it does.
Thank you for your help, WD, I think you were right about needing emotion, and I hope to hear more from you when I post another section.
Also Squallz, I did ask myself that, I wanted the reader to get the idea of another epic story because of the similarity. It also adds a sort of dramaticsim to have it like a storyteller is telling you the story, yet the storyteller fades a little, and through him you see the actual story, where the people cross the ocean, a bunch of horses thunder through town, flames are everywhere. Then the sorry people fearfully returning to the wreckage. I see it in my head as a movie. When I read, pictures are in my head, I try to paint the idea out.
That might be kind of hard to understand, but it's how I write.
I thought up the story entirely on my own, I didn't take it from someone else.
Hope you enjoy my next section!
Thanks Grif, I thought about it for a while, I think you are right.
I guess I just imagined big ships with banks of oars... isn't that what tiremes are? I think so.
Anyways, thanks for the helpfull tip.
Instead of "tiremes" why not just use the word "Ships." Tiremes are a very specific ship, where "ship" makes it very generic, allowing the imagination to run rampant.
Thanks for the comments! Very encouraging, I wasn't sure that I improved at all.
I'll be sure to correct that mistake too.
Next section coming soon!
Indeed, much better.
It no longer seemed rushed and you did an excellent job of adding more detail so it sounded like more than spouting off information. You added a lot of good emotion. I felt it still could have been a little more emotional, but it was much better than before, and I'm sure as you continue tweaking it, you'll smooth it out easily.
Nice job!
Sounds better now! I like its flow and style better. Just one thing: "In the time of your Ancestors, there was a brave tribe that were nomads, living by a great sea. They had fallen on hard times, and all wanted a better life they new (should be knew) should be theirs." Besides that I think it is a great prelude and will hopefully become a great novel. Keep it up!
-Me
Haha, I didn't think of that. Well I'll have to change that.
*sighs audibly and once again goes to edit*
Bro, I agree with most of the other reviewers, but hey, it is good start. Keep that vision in mind as you try to find the write words to describe it. I do have one thing I definately think you should change the wording in this part. "When the residents that had survived returned they realized with horror, that none had thought to take the medal along with them, and all rushed to the Hall of the Medal to relieve themselves, expecting to see their medal untouched."
This could be read that they went to the Hall to use a restroom 
Don't know if you knew that expression or not. Well, hope this all helps if not ignore it.
Write On!
RatchetWriter wrote:Prelude
In the time of your Ancestors, there was a brave tribe that decided to cross the great sea that they lived by, to create new settlements.
And so they set out. They fought across the stormy seas and against fantastic fish and finally beached on the shore.
Then they looked around and decided that where they were was as good a place as anywhere else, and they made their settlement, naming it Hijlon. The town Hijlon was a beautiful and rich town because the tribe had brought The Medal Of Prosperity that made anyone prosperous over time.
But it did not last.
For there came a time when great evil attacked the town, destroying it, and taking that which they valued most, The Medal Of Prosperity.
The residents that had survived rebuilt their town partially. But there was a great depression, because all remembered the times when their town had been glorious, and none had the heart or the determination to try to bring it back to glory without the help of The Medal Of Prosperity.
Amidst this tragedy I am going to tell you the story of a seemingly unimportant hare, named Harestin, who was destined to be the uprising of their city.
%%%%%%%%%
Does it catch the readers attention?
Please tell me your opinon on the whole thing! Even if you hate it.
And if you don't want to spend the time, well maybe someone else will.
Yes, it's rushed, but I don't like stories with great big long preludes, otherwise it seems like the preludes a chapter. And I thought it would get the readers attention.
For there came a time when great evil attacked the town, destroying it, and taking that which they valued most, The Medal Of Prosperity.
The residents that had survived rebuilt their town partially. But there was a great depression, because all remembered the times when their town had been glorious, and none had the heart or the determination to try to bring it back to glory without the help of The Medal Of Prosperity
Thanks for the crits! (I'll take more 
)
Okay, first of all, I named my character because I liked the idea. It's pronounced Hare-es-stin, not Hare-stin, if that's what you were thinking. Maybe I'll change his name though anyway.
Yes, it's rushed, but I don't like stories with great big long preludes, otherwise it seems like the preludes a chapter. And I thought it would get the readers attention.
The reason the medal is not kept secret is because I didn't intend for it to be secret, it's a nice idea to add more mystery, but I've already got more to this story written, with the medal being known.
So that leads to yeah, I've got more coming, it's a novel I wrote awhile ago, but didn't finish, and now I'm coming back to it.
Hope to hear more from you guys when my next section comes.
+RW+
oh yeah, haha, it's the prelude to, Harestin, The Tale Of (yeah, kind of a normal title, but I like it)
I agree with Greenjay about it sounding a bit rushed, but I did like it. And yeah, what is this part of? the geinning of a novel? In other words, will you be posting anymore of it?
Meevs
x
It's good, but kind of rushed (as a prelude it's fine). Another thing, a HARE named HAREstin. You might be a little more original. The animal idea isn't bad though (hey I started a novel about a chipmunk). If you want to you could also not name the medal of prosperity, you could keep it more mysterious. Like they had some "ancient treasure/secret" which was stolen. Mabye something like that.
What's this for, a novel?
Anywho, good job!
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