Invisibility
The cloak of humility
You do as they tell you
Always helping out
Considered great by those you assist
But you are not ok inside.
Inside you are the monster,
That they all say you are.
Invisibility
The cloak of humility
You give of yourself,
Usually unappreciated,
Always wanting ,
Never asking
Always needing
Never saying
Invisibility
The cloak of humility
You go through the day,
Only seen by half the people
Most of them ignore
And want not,
What you have to offer,
Although you try and help them out
They just turn away.
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Canary word: Present
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I agree with adding some punctuation, I think a colon should be placed after "Invisibility".
I didn't mind the repetition of Invisibility, but "The cloak of humility" did get to me. Maybe make it three different cloaks for each stanza?
I really liked the emotions you were trying to present, I could relate to them, but I think it could have been done a little bit better. Of course, it would be so much better if it had more punctuation, but even beyond that, there is a lot that could be done to it to make it better.
Try to put us in your shoes, you know? That sort of thing. Make us feel.
I have two articles you should read: 1. I don't have a link to this one.. It's called "Emotional Poetry" and it should still be on the front page of Writing Tips. (sorry I can't link you!) 2. Poetry & Punctuation
Other than that, I really liked the poem. I think if you put just a little more work into it, and word choice, etc, it could come out really good. Best of luck to rewriting!
Okay starting off with this first stanza. You need to add some punctuation. I'd add commas to the end of most of the sentences. "But you are not so wonderful inside" I dont think that wonderful quite works here, it's a bit too cheerful of a word.
I like this stanza the best and I think it is written the best. The combination of the short lines is a good touch.
The third stanza just needs some more punctuation, like the first.
The rhyme humility and invisibility is a good and the use of repetition is another nice touch.
As for the subject material, I can relate. Sometimes you do feel like you're an invisible person wandering around, with no one taking any notice of you.