People come and they go,
With air of love they Blow.
Very few touch your soul,
Others warm you up in Bowl.
Some mark a kind of Sanctum in you,
Transient are very few.
They make you stifle all around,
Liberty seems to have no bound.
Echoes of My Heart make some sounds,
Her feelings for others have no Bounds.
Wish she could feel the pain in me,
The Pain I bore has no limit in me.
Suddenly, there flickers some feeling in my Heart,
But couldn’t see anyone in Range of my dart.
Made some amendments in lure,
With my love being so pure.
I wish she could have felt My pain,
It would have not affected me in My vein.
Making rhymes with sentence fragmentation you are. Need to enforce your will upon the phrasing you must. Like Yoda otherwise you will seem.
It's easy to think that the point of rhyming verse is the rhyme, but it's not. The rhyme is the resolution of tension built up through the pulse and phrasing preceding it. Twisting the phrasing to suit the rhyme disrupts the flow of the poem and puts undue stress on the final word of the line. Ideally, you want it to feel effortless, despite the maddening amount of work you put into it.
The metaphor in the first couplet is unclear. "Blowing with the air of love" doesn't make that much sense to me. Are they like the wind? A hair dryer? Are they just blowing on you with their mouths? Is the air not coming from them but carrying them, are they blown by it? Without having a clear image it just feels like you pulled 'blow' out because it rhymed which go, that never goes down well, believe me.
Second of all, why is Bowl capitalised? Going along with the metaphor thing, in a quatrain, it would probably help to have a maximum of one allegory per stanza, to help stabilize the mood and tone. How is the bowl related to the air? Is it being warmed with a hair dryer? People want to know!
Put...the thesaurus....down. Let me let you in on a secret. Your phrasing, the way you talk, the way you express yourself, that is awesome. No one else who has ever been, who ever will be, will ever say things the way that you do. As an excercise, try writing the poem exactly the way you would say it if you were speaking it to someone, just telling them your feelings. Any time you deviate from that phrasing should be for a special reason. How do I get the thesaurus vibe from this? Sanctum is kind of out there, Transient is off the planet. "Transient are very few" is the most Yoda line in this whole poem, not to mention, in saying "Very few are transient", it contradicts your opening line. The subject 'few' is unclear, I don't know if it's people, or sanctums, or what. In saying that very few people are transient, it goes against the opening line people come and go. "They make you stifle all around", You can't stifle on your own, it's something you do to something. They can stifle you. You can stifle something. "Have no bound"- Bounds, plural, is the phrase. Can't have just one.
In five lines you use the phrase 'have no bounds' three times, twice as is, third in 'has no limits', which is saying the same thing. Look in to that. You have precious little space to say what you want in a poem, everything has to be vital or edited out.
"Echoes of My Heart make some sounds" - Unnecessary. If they are echoes, they are made of sounds. To say that they do ads nothing to the imagery it just takes up space.
"Her feelings for others have no Bounds." Are you saying that she is compassionate, loves everyone, or that she loves others more than you?
In both cases of 'dart' and 'lure' it is painfully obvious that the phrases were constructed just to rhyme with the others. Don't let the rhyme dominate you! Say things the way YOU would say them. That is poetry enough! Have faith in yourself.
Good luck.
Hey there! So I have a few things that I noticed.
1)In the very first line, I think you should drop "they" so it makes it flow more.
2)I don't get the last line of the first stanza.
3)I'm not sure the second stanza fits the poem...but it's fine there overall
4)First line of third stanza has one too many words. You should drop one.
5)In first line of fourth stanza, you should get rid of "Suddenly" (the word flickers already gives that idea.)
6)Find a word in the second line of the same stanza to delete.
7)With the last stanza you need to either add two more lines before or after those, so it'll all match.
Didn't mean to sound harsh at all, so please don't be offended! I did like the kind of elegant feel to it, with the poem not having third grade vocabulary. And since everthing I listed were smallish things, that means everything else is fine.
If you do take any of my advice, thanks!