Published February 6, 2008
Within coveted sky,
a light may shine through,
as winged creatures fall down,
everlasting,
Their intentions once pure,
their wings spread alight,
rejection darkens the heart,
once forgotten,
And yet a gentle hand lifts,
catching the feather,
that holds them together,
a fated bond,
The bird and the mortal,
stand wing upon hand,
and the sky remains pure,
no hate touching heavens,
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141,262 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Generally love your content, though I had to read it a couple of times to get a firm grip on it which I think had a lot to do with your punctuation. I felt overwhelmed by commas! So many times you put one where you didn't need any punctuation, or you needed a fullstop (especially at the end of your stanzas).
Anyway, apart from that, I felt your expression was a bit vague. You used so many overloaded words:
everlasting
intentions
rejected
fated bonds
hate
heavens
All those are interpretive words, they're heavy. I'd like to see a bit more detail in this poem rather than objective, vague description and nouns.
Hi Raptured!
Welcome to the YWS! Hope you are enjoying it so far!
This really isn't too bad. The word choices make it nice to the ear.
One thing that bugged me, however, was the punctuation. Believe it or not, there are more things in the 'punctuation' department than just a comma :] A comma simply puts a break in the line and does nothing else. If you have the sentence "See spot run, love captured Sally" then putting a comma there makes no sense. It would either have to be a semicolon, a hyphen, or two completely separate sentences. At the end of each of your stanzas there should be a period, not a comma. Also, at the end of the third line in each of S2-3 there needs to be a semicolon or a hyphen, not a comma. Make sure to choose the right punctuation for the occasion.
Good luck and Happy Editing!