Young Writers Society

I loved this poem, and as the above review you can tell its from a child's point of view. The only thing I would say your consistent in that fact. Your story switches for complex to simple quickly, sometimes to the point that I think part of the poem is out of place.

Just try either making the simplistic language deeper or change the complex language to that of a simplistic style. I know, confusing right

Randomwriter wrote:Grandpa's Old Garden

Before I'm completely out the door
My grandma hands me a big old glass green vase
Filled with dust and dirt, but slightly wet from being rinsed

I head out into the old garden
I say hello to may friends the flowers
They say hi back
Doing what they do best

The roses stand tall and smile at me
Romancing where their next home will be
Who they will be paired with

“Will I be paired with the red or white rose? Who knows”

I continue walking and greeting the flowers
Something catches my eye
The silly ones popped out into my sight

The daises looked at at me and giggled in me shadow
They bounced and bumped into each other in the wind
Giggled to each other about absolutely nothing
Just that they are blessed with life
Another day

“Wow look at the sun today isn't it beautiful?”

I made my way into the shadier part of the garden
I find my shyest friends there

The lilacs perk up at the sight of me , but continue to shy away
Such friendly and beautiful flowers yet so shy

“Its nice to see you again”

Next I head to the road
Were my best friends are
They are the unique ones
But they are still so beautiful

The iris almost calls me to them once I get close
Sticking their tough out at me whether mad, sad, or happy with me
In a way they they are steadfast
Always six petals
The are steadfast

“Hi! How are you?”

My trip is almost over yet I'm not done
The vase is almost full
Its getting dark

“I have to harry!”

The daffodil had its head down
It was sad and frowned
Almost as if were crying

I went to the flower
Brought its chin up to my face
He was the last one
I added him to the vase
To the middle of it

Its head perked up
And smiled at me

“Its time to go now”

It was time to get going
I had to go
I really wanted to see grandpa
Who was healing in the hospital

Hello,

Thank you both for your comments.

I'll take what you guys have said and try and apply it to works I'll do soon, and to this piece too.

So again thank you for the comments.

i like this! it's sunny, clever, and it's about an original topic, and tells an interesting little story of what goes on when you visit your grandma's garden. the flow is something i'm not fully used to, but i like it.

this is certainly different.
however, i think it needs a little more descriptive detail. pump it full of adjectives, and it will be much more vibrant and detailed!

good job!

That was really sweet. There were a few typos...
...at the sight of me , but.... -- take the space out
The are steadfast --They?
Sticking their tough out...--tongues?
“I have to harry!” --hurry?
I also noticed that you used "it" in reference to the daffodil and then "he" after it had been introduced. I thought this was cool and then had to go back and re-read the poem to see if you did it with the others. You didn't. I think this is because there was special emphasis on the daffodil, right? That's a great way to do it. The only thing is, you have to be consistent. You went back to saying "it" after you'd called him a "he" which doesn't really make sense and ruins the idea. I'd just stick with "he" after that first "it" and it'll be awesome. (Did that make any sense? lol!)
Other than those little things, kudos! You have a really cute and thoughtful poem.
--Krainie Girl
PS <3 Welcome! <3