Young Writers Society

Another random play.

Miss E goes down under.

This is dedicated to Jean.

(In Australia)

Miss E (Miss E): (Setting prehistoric suitcases down and gazing around at surroundings) Ahhhhh! Oceania seemst a divine place to live and breed Learning Opportunities!!!

(Scene is ruined by mob of kids wrapped in baggage tape charging past Miss E screaming

Class: AUSTRALIA!!!!!

Zach: This is a great field trip Miss E!

Miss E: (Looking horror-struck): but...but... what ist thoust doing here?

Racheal: (vigorously yanking baggage tape of her face) we covered ourselves in baggage tape and passed ourselves off as baggage Miss.

(Miss E is just about to respond when a random Australian bloke selling barbecues steps on scene.)

Random Auzzie: (in decidedly strong Australian accent) G’day mate!

(MISS E looks startled)

Miss E: (leaping back in fright and demanding) G’wot?

Random Auzzie: (still in accent) G’day mate, wanna but a Barbie?

Miss E: (thoroughly irritated) what ist thy meaning of thou truly terrible English!! Thee should be ashamed of theeself!!

Zach: (injects) so should you miss.

(Miss E turns to Zach)

Miss E: Back thy foul beast!!

(Zach escapes)

Random Auzzie: (in accent) wanna buy a Barbie?

Miss E: (looking insulted) NO! In case thee hasn’t noticed I ist not four years old any more and I am not in any need whatsoever of a metamorphosed plastic doll!! (Starts batting Auzzie with suitcases) THOU IST WASTING LANGUAGE OPPORTUNITIES!!

(Meanwhile the class has discovered a barbecue, flammable spirit flows everywhere.)

(Auzzie gets furious and voices an aborigine war cry)

Miss E: THOU PATHETIC WAR CRY DOES NOT SCARE ME!!!

(Picks up random boomerang and starts whacking Auzzie on the head with it)

(Suddenly barely clad Aborigines come streaming on scene and surround Miss E, screaming war cries while prancing around in a circle waving spears dangerously)

Miss E: (to Auzzie) your frenzied salsa looks like a rain dance to thy!!

(Ear-splitting thunder crack and it starts tipping down with rain)

Auzzie: (practically roars) Not the rain dance you dunderheaded savages! The pain dance!

(Aborigines stop prancing round like maniacs and start poking MISS E with spears, rain ceases abruptly)

(Meanwhile Zach discovers his lighter, not that he has one in real life)

(Miss E starts to look a little frightened)

Miss E: (attempting to stave the aborigines off with a boomerang) back thou inappropriately clad lunatics!!!

(Not surprisingly this doesn’t work)

(In the background the barbecue sets alight)

Zach: Run!!!

(Class mount kangaroos and ride into the distance)

Miss E: (loud gasp!) THOU IST WASTING FLAME OPPORTUNITIES!

Aborigines: YARRRRR!!!

Miss E: ARRGGGHHHHH!!!!

(Miss E backs into Barbeque)

(Loud bang and a large amount of proceedings take place, the barbecue blows up, and the aborigines get their faces blackned, the random Auzzie falls to the ground crying; ‘THOUST WONDERFUL BABIE IST GONE!’ Not realising he has been unknowingly converted to speaking Shakespearian by Miss E, Miss E gets blasted back to the UK by some miracle.)

Zach: (Barely visible against the horizon) THE ACTION MAN IS ALL CONQUERING AGAINST THE FEEBLE BARBIE!

(Meanwhile, back over in England, Miss E is falling down to the ground in Birmingham)

Miss E: THOU CANNOT BEAT THY!!

(Hair gets trapped in the BT tower)

Miss E: OWWWWW!!!! THY REMAINS OF THY RIGHTEOUS GREASY PLATINUM BLONDE TRESSES IS ENTANGLED WITH THOU UNNOBLE BT TOWER!!! ALL IS LOST!!! ALACK!

(Hair Parts Company with Miss and as Miss E plummets to certain death her final cry rings over Birmingham, a token of the most (un) tragic event of Birmingham’s incalculably boring history)

Miss E: THOU IST WASTING LEARNING OPPORTUNITIES!!