z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Jacobs

by RandomGuy, RandomGuy


“We’re here,” Alexander said, pulling up to a blue bricked house that looked like no one has been it for years. “This is the house.”

“Alex, you told me the new house would look great. This house looks like it needs to be burned.” his wife Ira looked at the house with a face of disgust.

“It just needs some fixing, that’s all.”

“See Mom, this is why we said don’t let Dad pick out the new house,” Jack said while reading his book.

“And why we told you to look over the house before agreeing to it.” Meg agreed.

“It’s not that bad. At Least we have a roof over our heads."

Meg ignoring her mom looks out the window and sees a shadow peeks outs of the window.

“What's that?” Meg sits up in her seat, pointing at a shadow in the window of the house.

“What's what?”

“That shadowy figure in the window.”

“Meg, there is no shadow in the window. You’re just imagining things,” Ira said, not paying attention to the windows.

“It really was there Mom.” Meg rolled her eyes becoming more agitated.

“She's just hallucinating, Mom.” Jack puts down his book to see the shadow too. "We’ve been in this car too long. I’m seeing things.” they all get out of the car and enter the house.

“It looks worse on the inside than the outside,” Ira looked around the room in disgust “we are not staying here.”

“I spent good money on this house at least give it a chance.”

“Alexander, how much money exactly!?” Ira raised her voice.

“Only three hundred dollars” Ira face palms “The fact that it only cost three hundred dollars didn’t seem shady to you.”

“I thought it was cheap,” they all facepalm and scold Alexander.

“Dad, I love you but. Please let Mom pick the next house we move into”

“It’s not that bad. It looks comfy, doesn’t it?” Jack points to the stove.

“The stove looks like a rat decorated it. Why is the stove in the living room, anyway?!”

“Ok the house may not be the best, but I heard this is a good neighborhood, everyone here is so nice,” someone knocks on the door “I got it” Ira open the door to see four people “Hello my name is Kelly me and my friends just wanted to welcome you to Normal street.”

“Who names a normal street?” One of Kelly’s friends says from behind her, “It’s such an oxymoron. Just last week we had an army of cows and bulls fighting each other.” 

another one of Kelly’s friends hands Ira a gift basket. "Here’s a gift basket” Ira takes the gift basket.

“Thank you.”

“No problem,” the four walk off.

“Who was at the door, Mom?”

“Just some neighbors they gave us a gift basket with a card inside.”

“Can I read it!” Meg said jumping up and down.

“Yes, Meg you can read it,” she gives Meg the card, Meg takes the card and opens it “ok it reads. Dear new neighbors welcome to the neighborhood. This gift basket is a future apology for what you might see here. In this gift basket, you will find a couple of things to help you if bulls and cows attack again.”

“Did they just say Cows and bulls?” Jack asked, interrupting Meg.

“It’s probably just a joke,” Alexander said while he is pulling out a taser from the gift basket.

“Anyway. You will also find a taser just in case you get a visit from Billy and lock your attic door before you go to bed.”

“Can we move back to anticore?” Jack asked in a worried tone.

“Oh, and there is a cake and four hundred bucks for your troubles. Signed Kelly,” 

Alexander pulls out the four hundred dollars. "This has to be the weirdest welcome basket ever.”

“How did they fit a cake in here,” Meg said, examining the rather small basket.

“So how is this place better than Anticore,” Jack asked while he takes the cake from the basket.

“It’s not too big for you to get lost in. And it has more than just two schools,” Alexander said proudly.

“We should probably unpack now.” Ira takes the cake from Jack and put it on the table.

“Ok then Meg, your room is upstairs first door on the right and Jack yours is upstairs second door to the left.” Jack and Meg each pick up a box and go upstairs to unpack.

“And our room is down here right next to the kitchen.”

“You have fun unpacking, I’m going to sleep” Ira goes into their room and lays down on the bed.

Meanwhile, with Meg, who is sitting on her bed.

“This place is so weird. Ugh. Why did we have to move? Our old house was perfectly fine." as she complained to herself, Jack walks in.

“Hey, lil sis, what ya doin'? Well, besides complaining.”

“I’m not complaining, I just don’t like the fact we had to move.”

“I really don’t care that we moved, stuff was always happening in anticore,” Jack said as he sat next to his sister.

“Do you see the shadow figure in the window?”

“Yeah, that’s the reason I came to talk to you.”

“Then why did you tell Mom I was hallucinating.”

“I didn’t see it until I put my book down.”

“Whatever,” She rolls her eyes. “So, what do you think it was?”

“It's either we both were hallucinating or we just found out why this house was so cheap.”

Meg sighs “we need to stop allowing Dad pick the new house.”

“Yeah don’t know why we didn’t learn our lesson when we moved to Anticore.”

“We should’ve. The first thing that happened was a beast came out of nowhere and kidnapped the entire town.”

“That had to be the worst three days ever.” Meg flopped back on her bed.

“So, back to the shadowy figure we saw. What are we gonna do about that?”

“No, what are you going to do about the shadowy figure.”

“You not gonna help me?”

“No, I’m going to sleep now get out.”

“It’s only six o’clock.”

“Oh well, goodnight.” Jack gets up and leaves “might as well go to bed as well.” Jack goes to his room and lays down on his bed.

The next day.

Jack walks into the living room with Meg.

“So we’re not gonna talk about the shadowy figure.” Jack grabbed his backpack.

“We can talk about it on our way to school.”

“We are on our way to school.”

“We haven’t even left the house yet.” Meg turns her head to the left to see the staircase moved “wasn’t the staircase next to the stove?"

“Yeah, and what happened to the stove? Why is the washing machine in the living room now?” Jack said with a puzzled and worried look on his face.

“Maybe mom and Dad did some rearranging last night after we went to bed,” Meg said in a worried tone

Meg and Jack walk out of the house.

“But why would they put the washing machine in the living room?”

“I don’t know. Everything else has been weird. First, we saw a shadow in the window, then we got a gift basket talking about someone named Billy and bulls and cows fighting in the street.”

“Hey you two, wait up.” A voice hollered from behind them. Meg and Jacob turn around to see Kelly and her friends running toward them.

“You’re going the wrong way to school.”

“But there is a literal sign. That says school is this way.”

The school principal made that sign to confuse people. The school principal is crazy. She thinks newcomers are aliens, so she put up a fake sign to lure them in the wrong direction.”

“Ok, something is seriously wrong with this town!” Meg shouted.

“Where is the school at then?”

“Just follow us.” Kelly uncovered a sewer and jumps in and her friends follow.

“You’re joking, right?” Jack and Meg said with disgust.

“Nope now get down here you two,” Kira shouted.

“This has to be the worst way to school ever.” Jack and Meg jump down into the sewer.

“It doesn’t smell as bad as I thought it would,” Jack said, sniffing the air.

“Yeah, the mayor has the sewer cleaned every once a week.”

“Who cleans a sewer? More importantly, how do you clean a sewer.” Meg said, just becoming more confused and agitated as before.

“Do your friends talk? Cause they’ve been silent the entire time.” Jack asked.

“Yeah, of course they talk.”

“Well, they haven’t said a word at all.”

“You're right, Mickey, why are you three so quiet? Especially you Ethan. You're always talking about something.”

“Oh, no reason just been thinking about what happened in Anticore,” Ethan said looking up at the ceiling.

“You mean the thing that happened ten years ago,” Mickey replied.

“What other thing would I be talking about?”

“Well, you have that other thing where that thing tracked you.”

“Oh yeah, you're right.”

“What thing are you two talking about?”

“It’s nothing you need to worry about Meg. after all it happened ten years ago.” they walk to a dead end.

“Kelly, this is a dead end,” Jack said, annoyed.

“Thank you for that nugget of wisdom, captain obvious,” Meg said, annoyed.

“It’s not a dead end.” Kelly walks through the wall.

“I’ve really gone crazy. I’m seeing people walking through walls.” Jack's eyes go wide.

Ethan and Mickey walk through the wall.

“This is really happening, they really did just go through a wall,” Jack turns toward Kelly, the last friend who didn’t go in yet “this is how you get to school every day.”

“You get used to it after doing it for three years. Oh, and the name Anna if you were wondering.”

Anna smiles and then walks through the wall

“You want to go first, Meg.”

Meg pushes Jack into the wall ‘Nah, you can go first bro.”

Jack falls through the wall. “ouch that hurt.”

Meg walks through the wall “That felt weird… this isn’t a school.” Jack gets up to see them in what looks like outer space.

"It is a school the Principal just likes to have the school in holographic paint.”

“How does the school have the money for holographic paint?!” Jack said in amazement.

Anna shrugged. “I don’t know, but I heard some say the principal is the third richest person in the world sister.”

“Why is nothing normal happening in this town.” school bell rings.

“We better get to class. Follow me.”

“Wait, but I’m two grades behind Jack.”

“It doesn’t matter. They don’t separate the grades. You can go to any class you want.” Jack and Meg followed Kira into a classroom.

“Where is the teacher?” Jack asked as he took a seat in the middle of the room

“He’s probably plotting world domination again,” Kelly said so casually.

“Why did you say that casually?” Meg asked with a worried.

“Because every teacher in this school has some wrong with them Mr.Peter thinks Cows came from Pluto, and Mrs.Killerbee thinks wasps are messengers from the middle evil times.”

“Why are you so nonchalant about this?” With every question asked, Meg and Jack, got more worried.

“Once you go to this school for four years, you get used to it,” 

Meg put her hand on Kelly's shoulder “I am so sorry you had to go through this for four years.” 

Kelly took Meg's hand off her shoulder “What are you talking about? This is the best school I ever attended.” Meg looked at her with a worried expression on her face.

“This school and town is so weird.” a tall blue alien with a tuxedo walks in.

“Good morning class. Today we’re going to learn about this random guy I heard about on the internet.” The teacher announces as he came into the room

Meg brings out her phone and calls her dad “Hey dad can we move back into anticore.”


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18 Reviews


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Mon Mar 27, 2023 3:55 pm
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SkyJayde wrote a review...



Heyo! I’m gonna review your piece.

First off, I would like to say great story. I love how the family moved to “Normal Street” yet nothing is normal.

Second, the title doesn’t really fit the story, it’s kinda misleading. When I saw it I thought “Oh this must be about a family or whatever” yes the story is about a family but it also contains more than just that. To help think of a new title, keep this in mind; Is the story more about the Jacobs or the weird occurrences happening around the town?

Third, I got confused here “Ira ignoring her mom looks out the window and sees a shadow peeks outs of the window.” After the sentence, “It’s not that bad. At Least we have a roof over our heads." Was it a typo? Meaning did you mean to write “Meg ignored her mom?” And who said “It’s not that bad. At Least we have a roof over our heads."? You might want to clear that up in order to prevent any further confusion.

Fourth, I’ve noticed a lot of missing punctuation. (Examples below👇)
1. “A tall blue alien with a tuxedo walks in” needs a period at the end instead of just leaving it there. Unless of course you were planning on adding more to that sentence.
2. At the end of almost every piece of dialogue where you’ve addressed who as speaking there needs to be a period. It just leaves the sentence unfinished otherwise.

Fifth, just a few minor changes now. (Of course you don’t need to make these changes if you don’t want to). Again examples below👇;
1. “Meg said, nodding her head in agreement.” Maybe change it to “And why we told you to look over the house before agreeing to it.” Meg agreed.”
2. “Jack asked as he took a seat in the middle of the class.” 👉 Jack asked as he took a seat in the middle of the room/classroom. I only suggest this because I pictured class had already started and Jack entered late or something.
3. When the teacher says “ Good morning class. Today we’re going to learn about this random guy I heard about on the internet.” You may want to add “The teacher announces as he/she came into the room”

Sixth, I honestly love the different way this society seems to work. It’s not traditional and is overflowing with creativity. Awesome work!

☁️SkyJayde☁️

P.S
Love your username




RandomGuy says...


Thanks!
The title... Will be changed eventually... hopefully
That was a typo. so thanks for pointing that out
The punctuation has now been fixed. thanks for pointing that out
and I'm always cool with making a few minor changes

P.S
Love your username aswell



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Sat Mar 25, 2023 6:22 pm
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foxmaster wrote a review...



Hello this is Foxmaster!!!🦊
Overall, I really liked this, especially how ironic it was with the aliens and how ironic it was that they were living on "Normal" street.

“We’re here,” Alexander said, pulling up to a blue bricked house that looked like no one has been it for years. “This is the house”

Okay, so I would like to say that when you finish a dialogue thing-a-majigger make sure to use a period/question mark/exclamation point/comma at the end.
“What's that!” Meg said, pointing at the shadow

change that to
“What's that?” Meg said, pointing at the shadow.

“Yes, Meg you can read it,” she gives Meg the card, Meg takes the card and opens it “ok it reads. Dear new neighbors, welcome to the neighborhood. This gift basket is a future apology for what you might see here. In this gift basket, you will find a couple of things to help you if bulls and cows attack again”

“Did they just say Cows and bulls?” Jack asked, interrupting Meg.

“It’s probably just a joke,” Alexander said as he pulled out a taser from the gift basket

“Anyway. You will also find a taser just in case you get a visit from Billy and lock your attic door before you go to bed”

Ooh, we are getting somewhere dramatic, I wonder why they have to do all that stuff. Although, I would not change past-tense to present-tense, because it makes the story quite disjointed and we get a little lost there.
“Oh, no reason just been thinking about what happened in anticore” Ethan said looking up at the ceiling”

So, when someone talks and you put the quotation mark at the end, don't put one after who is talking. This may seem confusing, so and example:
"HI, I'm so cool!" she said happily.
Don't put: "HI, I'm so cool!" she said happily."
“Where is the teacher?” Jack asked as he took a seat in the middle of the class.

“He’s probably plotting world domination again,” Kelly said so casually

“Why did you say that casually?” Meg asked with a worried.

“Because every teacher in this school has some wrong with them Mr.Peter thinks Cows came from Pluto, Mrs.Killerbee thinks wasp are messengers from the middle evil times”

“Why are you so nonchalant about this?” With every question asked, Meg and Jack got more worried.

“Once you go to this school for four years, you get used to it,” Meg put her hand on Kelly shoulder “I am so sorry you had to go through this for four years,” Kelly took Meg's hand off her shoulder

“What are you talking about? This is the best school I ever attended.” Meg looked at her with a worried expression on her face.

“This school and town is so weird” a tall blue alien with a tuxedo walks in

“Good morning class. Today we’re going to learn about this random guy I heard about on the internet”

ooh, so this part is a really great place to end this. I thought everyone was overreacting about the aliens, but apparently not. I hope you continue this, because I would definitely read it. (And if you are looking for anything to review you could do mine maybe?)
That's all! Great job! I enjoyed this a lot!
-Foxmaster




RandomGuy says...


Thanks for the review!
I went back an added period/question mark/exclamation point/comma to any dialogue missing it... don't ask how long it took
I didn't even notice the quotations. Thanks for pointing that out
I tried to make this as ironic as I possibly could
I can review one of your stories, poems, etc. It probably won't be as helpful as your was.



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Fri Mar 24, 2023 1:07 pm
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Echo924 wrote a review...



THE STORY
I like the way the characters see weirder and weirder things as the story progresses. It adds to the overall funny and spooky-ish vibe that goes throughout the story. The characters walking through the wall really adds to the mystery of Normal Street.

I also liked how the characters mentioned the bad house choices Dad made. The part I like the most along this train is that the dad chose the house in Anticore (where a beast kidnapped the whole town) and, once again, he chose a town of the strange, magical, and mysterious.

THE GRAMMAR
I noticed that in a lot of places, commas were left off. For example in the first paragraph, you wrote:
* "We’re here” Alexander said pulling up to a blue bricked house that looked like no one has been it for years “this is the house" *
In order to make this grammatically correct, you should add a comma after here (…here,") and after said (…said,). Also in the quotation above, there is a capitalization error in "this is the house". The t in this should be capital so it reads "This is the house". Finally, after both years and house there should be a period. If you follow my instructions on this quotation above, it would read as follows:
* “We’re here,” Alexander said, pulling up to a blue bricked house that looked like no one has been it for years. “This is the house.” *

Also, in a few places the paragraphs (particularly in dialogue) would start in the previous paragraph, and then, when the quotation started, it would be in a new paragraph. Not only is it grammatically incorrect, but it also confuses who's taking. For example, look at this:
* “It’s not that bad. It looks comfy, doesn’t it?” Jack points to the stove.

“The stove looks like a rat decorated it. Why is the stove in the living room, anyway?!” *
In this quote, Jack and Alexander are talking about the house after they've just moved in. I read it and know that Alexander says the first quotation and Jack says the second, but it is confusing because Jack is mentioned in the first paragraph, not the second. In order to clear up confusion, you should move the part about Jack onto the start of the second paragraph. In other words:
* Jack points to the stove. "The stove looks like a rat decorated it. Why is the stove in the living room anyway?" *

OTHER THINGS (MINOR)
One thing that I saw on the second read-through was that Jack was misnamed Jacob in the part where they are walking through the sewer.

TITLE
You may want to change the title to fit the story more. Think about it this way: what is the story really about? Is it about the Jacobs or is it more about the town? Change the title to fit what the story is really focused on.

CONCLUSION
Other than the small grammatical errors, I would say your story is very good. I enjoyed reading it; it definitely kept my interest all the way through.




RandomGuy says...


ok first Thank you!
Second I like your username
Three Glad you liked it, and sorry about so many Grammar errors... it's the first short story I've written and also it had to be rushed to get done
Fourth. The name... Yeah it sucks I know, I'll change it once I think of a better one



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Thu Mar 23, 2023 12:55 pm
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rubyxbanks wrote a review...



This is really interesting! I like how the characters slowly uncover details about the town as the story progresses and they realize that something is very, very wrong. It manages to be ominous and funny at the same time, with humor coming from how absurd their situation is. Have you considered turning this into a longer story? It works at it's current length, but it would be fun to read about the characters continuing to settle into their strange town.
I like the dialogue, but there are some areas where it's hard to understand who is talking. You don't need to specify who is speaking in every line of dialogue, but you should add dialogue tags when a new character joins a conversation. Also, there are some sentences where more punctuation might help. “This place is so weird.ugh why did we have to move our old house was perfectly fine" can be changed to “This place is so weird. Ugh. Why did we have to move? Our old house was perfectly fine." for example.




RandomGuy says...


Thanks! Yeah I've considered making it into a longer story. I will as soon as I stop procastinating
I'm more of a screenwriter so sorry about that I'm used to specifying who speaking




The continuation of our world depends more on the survival of the kindest than it does on the survival of the fittest.
— Arcticus