Young Writers Society

I kinda agree with some of the other posters on this forum. The structure is a little odd. I think that this fragmentation that you did would work in some cases but not in the whole poem. I liked the theme, and the idea, but it was just a little difficult to read. In general, nice job though.

I really liked the way that you've fractured the lines throughout the poem. I thought that it was extremely effective.

And faces drop, smiles fall a million
miles, down to the ground. Eyes turn
gray.

They didn't really want me to
talk about it. They didn't
really care; didn't really want to know.
After all,
who does want to know when

ZOMG! I think this might be the first thing of yours I have ever commented on! So lots of apologies... I should have been looking harder. But better late than never, right?

First of all, and this is a compliment, your style reminds me of Robert Frost's style. He uses dialogue in his poetry quite frequently, and to a wonderful effect, to make us go beyond the imagery and to give a window of the human soul. So it's really quite cool that you're doing this. Not so many people can pull this sort of style off.

With that said, I would probably edit your poem this way:

"Maybe," they say," You just need
to talk about it."
But I'm sure I don't want to. That it's
a bad idea, but they're still
pushing for details. So I tell them,
"Dead. She's dead. Shot. In the stomach.
No, don't know how many times. Yeah, he's dead
too. The guy
that did it.
They got him. He's gone too. So, guess it sorted
itself out."

And faces drop, smiles fall. Eyes turn
gray. "Oh," they say. And I know:
They didn't really want me to
talk about it. They didn't
really care; didn't want to know.
After all, who wants to know when
a friend has died?
was murdered?

Most people shake their head and
go on their way.
They don't really want to
talk about it.

^ Ugh, I would play around with the line breaks. It doesn't quite work yet. But you're closer to the poem... I bet you could come up with something better. ^_^ Still! Notice what I deleted. I think the stuff I deleted was better deleted, simply because it made the writing that much more stark and lonely.

Anyway, happy editing! PM me when you edit it with YOUR improvements.

Hey, haven't seen you around before. I'm Eimear, pleased to meet you! Ok, onto the poem. The first thing that struck me was that it seemed more like prose than poetry. It really did. I actually think that this could work both ways, although as a poem it does need quite alot of work. The punctuation is a bit jumpy and it makes for a hard read sometimes. Let me tell you what ares I think you need to develop on, all just my own suggestions of course:

1.Flow This doesn't read smoothly, and there's a strange structure to it. Read it out loud. It's hard to do quickly, isn't it? This bit especially is somewhat of an eye-full- and mouth-full:

Talk about it!"

Sure, like hell I'll feel better. 'Getting it

out there.'

But they're still

pushing for details. So I tell them.

i liked it i was a strong poem and it said something