Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This sounds like a really interesting premise set in a pretty well developed world. I'm just a little concerned about the fact that it seems to have ended...otherwise this sounds like the start to a pretty great story.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Hey, are you all right?”

It was a woman’s voice. He realized with a start that he recognized it. Probably someone from his work. Maybe it was Julie, in Science Fiction. He opened his eyes. He was on the floor. Why was he lying on the floor? It was dark. Nighttime. He was outside. He heard laughter and someone singing the happy birthday song. He was still in front of that bar and grill. What was he doing on the sidewalk, in front of a bar, at night?

“You must have blacked out or something,” the voice said. Jared’s eyes focused, and he saw a woman with long, dark hair and blue eyes leaning over him. He recognized her face, as well. She gasped as she got a clear view of his eyes.

“Jaresh?” she asked, her voice breaking slightly. He gawked at her. She swept her hair behind her ear, and Jared saw that it ended in an unnaturally sharp point. He stared, and then, as his mind slowly identified the face that he was sure he knew, he could only find one word to utter.

“Thara?”

Grand Elder Denniete sat back from her table, relaxing, and breathing deeply. She had been consulting the phantoms in her gem-sphere. As crazy as that sounds, the art of “fortune-telling” was considerably more sophisticated in the Elves land then it was on the rest of Earth.

She had seen the Serpents. They were reverting. She cradled her head in her hands. She had foreseen this. She had told Grand Elder Goash that it would happen- no, she told herself, no, I didn’t tell him it would. I told him it might. She stood quickly and went in search of Goash. She found him in a beginner’s classroom, teaching basic history. Every Elvin child was told this particular story from the time they could crawl, but if you wanted to start from the beginning, this was the only way. She didn’t want to interrupt, so she listened fondly to the ancient tale.

“Froll,” Goash was saying, “The last warlock,” the students chuckled at Goash’s obvious explanation, “was the leader of our people, back in the ancient days. He was the head council member, and our chief, in a way. Our kind lived with the Serpents, which is simply our name for the people that we were forced to exile from our land. They were our kind’s enemies. Instead of wisdom, they listened to the temptations of the day. They followed every evil instinct, and did not abide by the rules of our society./quote]

Well...okay I do love when you start off with an expositional tale, it is certainly better than simply narrating the backstory at least...and it fits the fantasy genre at least in my opinion.

“One day, the Serpents revolted. They returned to our land, threatening to riot, and disrupt our peaceful way of life if we didn’t allow them to stay in their old homes. This was not an option for us, so we refused.

Ahh I love that line there at the end.

“But the Serpents were many, and eventually, their numbers were even greater than us. And so, it came about that the Serpents gathered themselves together, and rioted against us. Our towns were overrun, our crops burned, and our livestock killed, along with many of our people. We were defeated, and our great leader, Froll, made a bold and daring decision.

Oh dear, well that's terrible but I'm sure they recovered so it is still enjoyable to hsee.

“He chose to give us this land as our home, and in order to protect us from the Serpents, he used the last of his magic, and all of his life’s energy to set a shield around our home, so that the Serpents cannot enter, and we are safe. We have been so ever since. This is how we began.”

Oooh that is quite the act of self sacrifice. Respect.

There was a pause, and the Elder’s pupils stared into space, imagining Froll’s devotion and loyalty. Then there was applause and smiles all around. Denniete frowned and raised her hand. Goash noticed her, and excused himself, asking his assistant to continue with the lesson.

“Yes, Denniete? What have you seen?” he asked gruffly.

Oh now we get to the actual vision, I see the other story was simply for background knowledge. Well its not the worst idea.

“I saw the Serpents. The banished ones. Two of them have found each other… I knew there had been dreams, but this was worse than I ever could have foreseen. They remember everything, Goash! The memory sweep didn’t work.”

“Which ones?”

Oh no...looks like we are in for some trouble.

“Goash! We can’t!” Denniete’s voice trembled with fear.

“The island is being jeopardized. They have to return.”

Oh My God....things getting tough now is isn't it?

Though no human knew it existed, there was a large island in the Pacific, large enough to be home to a population of almost seventy-five million. Amelia Earhart, the revolutionary woman pilot had gone missing in the human world, but in the Elvin world, she had run out of fuel and was trying to land. She had been flying close to the ground, and saw too much. The Elves, though peace loving, could not tolerate the possibility of discovery. So Amelia had been taken care of. She could not remember a thing about her past, and after some surgical additions to her ears, she looked as Elvin as any. She resided in the West, with a nurse who had cared for her since her introduction to Elvin life.

Ohhh so that's what happened to her. Good to know.

A shield surrounded the island, not only protecting it from straying eyes and radar or satellite detection, but also partially suspending it and it’s inhabitants in time. This allowed for prolonged life for Elves, though once they left the shield they were much more vulnerable to aging.

Well that is certainly a fun little explanation. Pretty good worldbuilding there.

Every once in a while, an Elf turned renegade, causing trouble, making difficulties. When they reached a certain age, if they had not ceased to rebel, they were memory swept, and sent off of the island. Jaresh and Thara were the first two in centuries to find each other after the sweep. Nobody had ever been returned before, because never before had there been this much residual memory. Never before had anyone truly remembered.

Well...there is a first for everything as they say.

And, as far as Goash was concerned, they would be the last.

Poor guys.

“Yes,” he croaked. He was so thirsty! She filled a glass with water from the pitcher on his bedside table and poured some into his mouth.

“Do you remember what happened?” she asked.

“No.”

Phew....

“You and Thara were in the library. A shelf fell and you were crushed. You may have trouble remembering some other things too, for a while. The doctor said you hit your head quite hard.”

“My head?”

“Yes… You aren’t going to give me any more trouble, are you, Jaresh?”

“I won’t cause trouble, mother. I’ll do whatever you say.”

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This sounds like a really interesting premise set in a pretty well developed world. I'm just a little concerned about the fact that it seems to have ended...otherwise this sounds like the start to a pretty great story.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Hey, are you all right?”

It was a woman’s voice. He realized with a start that he recognized it. Probably someone from his work. Maybe it was Julie, in Science Fiction. He opened his eyes. He was on the floor. Why was he lying on the floor? It was dark. Nighttime. He was outside. He heard laughter and someone singing the happy birthday song. He was still in front of that bar and grill. What was he doing on the sidewalk, in front of a bar, at night?

“You must have blacked out or something,” the voice said. Jared’s eyes focused, and he saw a woman with long, dark hair and blue eyes leaning over him. He recognized her face, as well. She gasped as she got a clear view of his eyes.

“Jaresh?” she asked, her voice breaking slightly. He gawked at her. She swept her hair behind her ear, and Jared saw that it ended in an unnaturally sharp point. He stared, and then, as his mind slowly identified the face that he was sure he knew, he could only find one word to utter.

“Thara?”

Grand Elder Denniete sat back from her table, relaxing, and breathing deeply. She had been consulting the phantoms in her gem-sphere. As crazy as that sounds, the art of “fortune-telling” was considerably more sophisticated in the Elves land then it was on the rest of Earth.

She had seen the Serpents. They were reverting. She cradled her head in her hands. She had foreseen this. She had told Grand Elder Goash that it would happen- no, she told herself, no, I didn’t tell him it would. I told him it might. She stood quickly and went in search of Goash. She found him in a beginner’s classroom, teaching basic history. Every Elvin child was told this particular story from the time they could crawl, but if you wanted to start from the beginning, this was the only way. She didn’t want to interrupt, so she listened fondly to the ancient tale.

“Froll,” Goash was saying, “The last warlock,” the students chuckled at Goash’s obvious explanation, “was the leader of our people, back in the ancient days. He was the head council member, and our chief, in a way. Our kind lived with the Serpents, which is simply our name for the people that we were forced to exile from our land. They were our kind’s enemies. Instead of wisdom, they listened to the temptations of the day. They followed every evil instinct, and did not abide by the rules of our society./quote]

Well...okay I do love when you start off with an expositional tale, it is certainly better than simply narrating the backstory at least...and it fits the fantasy genre at least in my opinion.

“One day, the Serpents revolted. They returned to our land, threatening to riot, and disrupt our peaceful way of life if we didn’t allow them to stay in their old homes. This was not an option for us, so we refused.

Ahh I love that line there at the end.

“But the Serpents were many, and eventually, their numbers were even greater than us. And so, it came about that the Serpents gathered themselves together, and rioted against us. Our towns were overrun, our crops burned, and our livestock killed, along with many of our people. We were defeated, and our great leader, Froll, made a bold and daring decision.

Oh dear, well that's terrible but I'm sure they recovered so it is still enjoyable to hsee.

“He chose to give us this land as our home, and in order to protect us from the Serpents, he used the last of his magic, and all of his life’s energy to set a shield around our home, so that the Serpents cannot enter, and we are safe. We have been so ever since. This is how we began.”

Oooh that is quite the act of self sacrifice. Respect.

There was a pause, and the Elder’s pupils stared into space, imagining Froll’s devotion and loyalty. Then there was applause and smiles all around. Denniete frowned and raised her hand. Goash noticed her, and excused himself, asking his assistant to continue with the lesson.

“Yes, Denniete? What have you seen?” he asked gruffly.

Oh now we get to the actual vision, I see the other story was simply for background knowledge. Well its not the worst idea.

“I saw the Serpents. The banished ones. Two of them have found each other… I knew there had been dreams, but this was worse than I ever could have foreseen. They remember everything, Goash! The memory sweep didn’t work.”

“Which ones?”

Oh no...looks like we are in for some trouble.

“Goash! We can’t!” Denniete’s voice trembled with fear.

“The island is being jeopardized. They have to return.”

Oh My God....things getting tough now is isn't it?

Though no human knew it existed, there was a large island in the Pacific, large enough to be home to a population of almost seventy-five million. Amelia Earhart, the revolutionary woman pilot had gone missing in the human world, but in the Elvin world, she had run out of fuel and was trying to land. She had been flying close to the ground, and saw too much. The Elves, though peace loving, could not tolerate the possibility of discovery. So Amelia had been taken care of. She could not remember a thing about her past, and after some surgical additions to her ears, she looked as Elvin as any. She resided in the West, with a nurse who had cared for her since her introduction to Elvin life.

Ohhh so that's what happened to her. Good to know.

A shield surrounded the island, not only protecting it from straying eyes and radar or satellite detection, but also partially suspending it and it’s inhabitants in time. This allowed for prolonged life for Elves, though once they left the shield they were much more vulnerable to aging.

Well that is certainly a fun little explanation. Pretty good worldbuilding there.

Every once in a while, an Elf turned renegade, causing trouble, making difficulties. When they reached a certain age, if they had not ceased to rebel, they were memory swept, and sent off of the island. Jaresh and Thara were the first two in centuries to find each other after the sweep. Nobody had ever been returned before, because never before had there been this much residual memory. Never before had anyone truly remembered.

Well...there is a first for everything as they say.

And, as far as Goash was concerned, they would be the last.

Poor guys.

“Yes,” he croaked. He was so thirsty! She filled a glass with water from the pitcher on his bedside table and poured some into his mouth.

“Do you remember what happened?” she asked.

“No.”

Phew....

“You and Thara were in the library. A shelf fell and you were crushed. You may have trouble remembering some other things too, for a while. The doctor said you hit your head quite hard.”

“My head?”

“Yes… You aren’t going to give me any more trouble, are you, Jaresh?”

“I won’t cause trouble, mother. I’ll do whatever you say.”

Nit-Picks

Grand Elder Denniete sat back from her table, relaxing[s],[/s] and breathing deeply.

She had told Grand Elder Goash that it would happen- no, she told herself, no, I didn’t tell him it would. I told him it might.

She found him in a beginner’s classroom[s],[/s] teaching basic history. Every Elvin child was told this particular story from the time they could crawl.[s], but i[/s]If you wanted to start from the beginning, this was the only way.

“One day[s],[/s] the Serpents revolted.

“But the Serpents were many, and eventually[s],[/s] their numbers were even greater than us. And so, it came about that the Serpents gathered themselves together[s],[/s] and rioted against us.

“He chose to give us this land as our home, and in order to protect us from the Serpents, he used the last of his magic, and all of his life’s energy to set a shield around our home, so that the Serpents cannot enter, and we are safe. We have been so ever since. This is how we began.”

There was a pause[s],[/s] and the Elder’s pupils stared into space, imagining Froll’s devotion and loyalty.

Though no human knew it existed, there was a large island in the Pacific, large enough to be home to a population of almost seventy-five million. Amelia Earhart, the revolutionary woman pilot had gone missing in the human world, but in the Elvin world, she had run out of fuel and was trying to land. She had been flying close to the ground[s],[/s] and saw too much. The Elves, though peace loving, could not tolerate the possibility of discovery. So Amelia had been taken care of. She could not remember a thing about her past, and after some surgical additions to her ears, she looked as Elvin as any. She resided in the West, with a nurse who had cared for her since her introduction to Elvin life.

When they reached a certain age, if they had not ceased to rebel, they were memory swept[s],[/s] and sent off of the island.