Harry Willson was always a good kid - for a nine year old, at least. Usually well-behaved, and liked to help other kids when they were down. However, Harry changed dramatically when Adrian came along.
Adrian; precious, precious Adrian, beautiful Adrian, smart Adrian.
Adrian, as you may have guessed, was the baby of the family - the little brother.
Everyone loved Adrian, adored Adrian, and ignored Harry.
But the adoration, one day, just stopped. It halted like a car that's run out of gas. But it had been only a matter of time...
the adoration stopped, and in came the tests and pills and drugs, mindless hospitals visits.
Because Adrian almost killed a classmate in pure uncontrollable rage.
Everyone ruled it off as an accident. The principal gave him a suspension, the teachers comforted Ade, and the parents did nothing. As if it was a simple mistake.
Nothing in Harry's life was normal after Adrian. It never could be.
Two weeks after the suspension, another classmate is stabbed in the hand by none other than Adrian. Another warning. Another suspension.
It was only a day or two after the second suspension when the Accident occurred.
The Accident. That's what everyone called it.
But Harry knew his brother well.
Harry knew it wasn't an "accident".
"Adrian," Harry called from down the hall. Ade's room was at the end of it, pictures of cats hung up on the wall.
"Adrian," he called once more, when he did not receive a response.
A small sound, ever so slight (but so loud in the small house) was heard, and Harry knew it was Adrian's way of saying "come in".
Slowly, Harry approached the cat-covered door then opened it.
"Adrian," he said softly, "Ma and Pa won't tell me what happened."
Adrian was curled up at the foot of his bed, covered by a jumper their aunt gave him.
No response came.
"Adrian? Ade? Come on, you can trust me. You can tell me."
This time, Ade shook his head.
Harry knelt down next to his brother. "Adrian?"
The boy was visibly shaking; crying.
Finally, a reply.
"I've done something terrible," he said softly, "So awful."
"What did you do, Adrian?"
"Everyone is saying it was an accident. It wasn't an accident. I want it to be an accident."
"You can tell me."
The reply was so weak, so meek, so quiet, that even in the dead-silent household Harry had to strain his ears.
"I've killed someone, Sis. I've killed someone in cold blood."
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hello hello! Happy RevMo! You asked me to review this forever ago, and I sincerely apologize for taking this long to get to this!!
I'm guessing in subsequent chapters you'll go into more detail about exactly what happened and what led up to these events? (Because I'm going to want to know!)
This is certainly an intriguing way to open a novel! Right with the bang so to speak
My biggest qualm with this opening chapter is that it all goes by too fast. There are a lot of short sentences and short paragraphs, and while that's great for keeping a fast pace and building some intrigue, it's not as great for showing us your world. I'm really glad that you pulled us right into the action and got the story going right away, but I don't know anything about your world or your characters and it's difficult to care about them and care about what's happening to them when I have no real context.
The beginning part, explaining the relationship and teasing that something big is going to happen, feels a little info-dumpy. It went by so fast I didn't lose interest or hate it, but you might want to consider showing us more of their relationship - maybe include a scene with the two of them interacting in some fashion so we get a sense for who these people are before everything gets crazy.
As a whole I would like more description and for things to slow down a touch, but obviously this is mystery/suspense/drama so things need to be a little faster paced. Even though I don't have a ton of details about these characters or even what's going on, I do feel intrigued about exactly what happened and why.
I'll leave things there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention! And I hope you keep working on this story because it sounds cool!
Okay, so before I start, I looked further down to see if I could iron one thing out. And I found it, so thank you for clarifying Harry was trans.
Have a wonderful day!
Anyway! Hello! HBC here for a review!
First of all, Adrian sounds like he has anger issues. Which makes this story extremely interesting. But what I think is interesting, is that Harry is the jealous older sibling. I am curious to see how Harry will react to that. But the fact that Adrian seems to trust Harry, even though Harry doesn't seem to like him, is a sign that there might be something else going on.
Great job! Let me know if you write anymore!
Hello, Random! I'm here to review your work ^^
I liked this! The reveal that Ade killed someone caught me by complete surprise. I was not expecting this story to take that turn.
I might have a bias though. Being the oldest of four siblings, I love a good sibling rivalry story, but this looks like it's setting up for more than just that. I'm excited to see what the later chapters bring.
Okay, on to your writing.
I like the point of view you decided to write in. I think having it told from the older sibling's perspective is good.
However, I'm using "sibling" and not "brother" because I'm not sure what gender your main character is. Your final line says "Sis", but I thought Harry was a boy. I'm sure this must be a typo.
The biggest problem I had when reading was this section,
I don't see how people would view that simply as an accident. I understand that you're trying to set up a history of violent behavior in Ade, but I think - for the sake of realism - it would be better to start of with less serious offenses.
Or, you could also have the reason for the first kill be something other than "pure uncontrollable rage". Maybe an accident on the playground, or something like that. It's just extremely hard to believe that Ade killed a kid out of anger and only got suspended.
You have a good voice in your writing and I would love to see that expanded on in Chapter Two. I'll save any critiques on that until your next chapter though
Okay, that's all I have!
Keep Writing!
Sassy
harry is transgender, I was trying to kind of hint at it without saying it outright so I had adrian say 'sis' ^^
thank you so much for the feedback! i desperately want to become a published author one day, and i need all the help i can get
Hey, Skywind here for a review.
Did you plan on the narrator to casually talk to the reader? Typically this is not a good idea. You normally don't want any sentences like this.
Adrian, as you may have guessed, was the baby of the family - the little brother.
This sentence directly talks to the reader. If that was not intention, you could just write: Adrian was the baby of the family - the little brother.
nine year old should be nine-year-old in the first paragraph.
Adrian; precious, precious Adrian, beautiful Adrian, smart Adrian.
Pretty sure this should be written: Adrian. Precious, precious Adrian, beautiful Adrian, and smart Adrian.
Or with periods after every time Adrian is mentioned.
the adoration stopped, and in came the tests and pills and drugs, mindless hospitals visits.
I would write this part like: The adoration stopped. Tests, pills, drugs, and mindless visits came.
Harry knew it wasn't an "accident".
The quotes are not needed here. Just use italics instead.
Slowly, Harry approached the cat-covered door then opened it.
Insert "and" after "door"
A small sound, ever so slight (but so loud in the small house) was heard, and Harry knew it was Adrian's way of saying "come in".
It's not proper to use dialogue tags in non-dialogue text. I would write the latter half of the sentence like: ...Harry knew it was Adrian's way of inviting him in.
This time, Ade shook his head.
Comma not needed.
The boy was visibly shaking; crying.
It's weird to refer to Adrian as the boy. Say "He" instead. Also, another incorrect usage of semi colon here. Remove it and add "and". Also, you could remove "visibly" as well. If you say he's shaking it's already clear that he's visibly shaking.
Finally, a reply.
This sentence not needed either.
"I've done something terrible," he said softly, "So awful."
Period instead of comma after "softly".
If you want to keep the previous sentence "Finally, a reply" then I would do something like:
He finally replied softly, "I've done something terrible. So awful."
"Everyone is saying it was an accident. It wasn't an accident. I want it to be an accident."
This is a good time to mention italics. You shouldn't use italics for any other instance other than emphasis in your case. I noticed you used italics ever since the dialogue started. You don't need italics just for dialogue. Here, you could use italics for "want" for a nice emphasis.
The reply was so weak, so meek, so quiet,
Insert "and" after "meek,"
"I've killed someone, Sis. I've killed someone in cold blood."
This last sentence is strange. Did he meant to say Sis? As in sister? The previous sentence mentioned "his" so it's pretty strange.
Overall, it was a pretty interesting prologue that kept me at the edge of my seat, wanting to know what happens next. Hope you found my review helpful. Good luck with writing.
Hey, just a tip. If you want to quote something, you can use the code [ quote][/ quote]. It helps out a ton when reviewing.
adrian meant to say 'sis' yeah ^^ harry is transgender but i didn't want to outright say it, so i just referred to him as "him". his birth name is Harriet Willson
of course i'll probably rewrite this whole thing in the future if i ever want to get anything published aha
thank you for the feedback! i've never truly been the best of writers but i try my best- your review is very helpful, thank you